AMERICANS' RELATIONSHIP PREFERENCES

When reflecting about that other with whom one would be willing to share one's life, I suspect we are more inclined to think in terms of the personal attributes of that special person as opposed to the nature of one's relationship with him or her. Nevertheless, there are numerous dimensions to consider in any interpersonal bond, particularly one as central as this. A number of these are not fully appreciated by those in early adulthood. Further, these relationship facets change in number and relative importance over time.

With these ideas in mind, let's turn to the 1996 General Social Survey, a year when NORC researchers posed several questions to Americans about their relationship preferences.

SPOUSAL ROLES

Which of the following two types of relationships would you prefer: (1) A relationship where the man has the main responsibility for providing the household income and the woman has the main responsibility for taking care of the home and family, or (2) A relationship where the man and woman equally share responsibility for providing the household income and taking care of the home and family? (variable TRADMOD)

Thirty percent of the individuals responding to this question preferred the "traditional" relationship. Let's explore who these folks were.

Observe in the TOTAL column how married and widowed individuals are more likely than those divorced, separated or never married to prefer the husband-at-work/wife-at-home relationship. The small sex difference, evidenced in the TOTAL row, is greatest among those widowed and divorced. Undoubtedly these results reflect differences in our respondents' ages and schooling. In the table below we can observe the influence of these attributes:

EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY AND INDEPENDENCY

One of "hottest" areas in social science research involves the role of emotions in everyday life. For instance, studies indicate that it is EQ (emotional intelligence), not IQ, that determines individuals' life successes. Consider the realm of emotional dimensions in family processes:

• the emotional dimensions of familial bonds and how they change over time;
• how courtships have become more sexually but less emotionally intimate than those in past, according to historian Ellen Rothman in Hands and Hearts: A History of Courtship in America;
• emotional socializations, such as how the higher the social class the greater the emotional control (e.g., empathetic training: "how do you think Billy felt when you took his ball?") and the less corporeal punishment;
• families' "emotional climate" and how its management became part of mother role;
• family "feeling rules": the emotions one is to have toward family members;
• the emotional dimensions of sexual activity;
• and emotional exchange relationships between family members.

A 1987 ABC News/Washington Post poll surveyed how men and women who were in romantic relationships viewed the quality and equality of their emotional communication. Though an overwhelming percentage of both sexes reported being emotionally satisfied, about four in 10 women felt that they gave more emotional support to their partner than they received in return. Further, nearly twice as many men (29 percent) as women (14 percent) admitted they took more support than they gave back in their relationship.

Such inequities in couples' emotional exchange relationships raises the question about what sex differences may exist in men's and women's preferences regarding the emotive component of their bonds. Why, for instance, do women report being emotionally satisfied even though so many feel that they give more emotional support than they receive? Perhaps some insight may be derived by analyzing responses to the following question from the 1996 NORC General Social Survey:

Which of the following two types of relationships would you prefer: (1) A relationship where the man and woman are emotionally dependent on each other, or (2) A relationship where the man and woman are both emotionally independent? (variable EMOTEOTH)

As can be seen in the right-most column below, men are half-again as likely as women to prefer an emotionally-dependent relationship. Is not this surprising in light of wives' frequent complaints that their spouses rarely share their feelings? Only among males who are divorced or separated to we see less than one-half holding this preference.

Interestingly, the sexes' preferences are largely independent of education and age. For both, those strongly religious are significantly more likely to prefer a dependent relationship than their less religious counterparts, particularly among Catholics and fundamentalist Protestants. Among women, work status does profoundly shape preferences. For instance, among those married, women who are employed are significantly more likely to prefer emotional independence than are housewives (66% vs. 44%).

SHARING RELATIONSHIPS OR DOING ONE'S OWN THING?

Which of the following two types of relationships would you prefer: (1) A relationship where the man and woman do most things in their social life together, or (2) A relationship where the man and woman do separate things that interest them? (variable SHARESEP)

In total, 23 percent of Americans stated the preference for a relationship where both sexes do separate things that interest them. In total, there was no difference in the responses of men and women. Those with four or more years of college are 40 percent more likely than those with less education to hold this preference.

So how do these preferences "hang together" in Americans' minds? Since preferences for emotional dependency/independency produced some of the most interesting relationships, let's begin with its relationships with the other two.

In the "Total Percentages" table on the left, observe that more than 4 in 10 Americans prefer relationships where men and women are emotionally independent and equally share responsibility for household income and taking care of home and family. In the right-hand "Percentaging Across" table we see how those preferring emotionally dependent relationships are about two-thirds more likely (38/23) to prefer a relationship with the "traditional" spousal division of labor.

While the relationship between EMOTEOTH and TRADMOD is roughly the same for men and women, because of men's greater preference for emotionally dependent relationships, observe below how nearly one-half of women prefer relationships where men and women are emotionally independent and equally share responsibility for income and home/family care compared to roughly one-third of the males.

Turning to the relationship between EMOTEOTH and preferences for relationships where activities are shared (the choice of three-quarters of Americans) as opposed to each couple member doing separate things of personal interest, note how the preference for emotional independence increases the likelihood of preferring that each pursues his or her own interests. This relationship is stronger for men than for women, with 47% of men falling into the DEPENDENT-TOGETHER cell and 29% into the INDEPEND-TOGETHER cell while 46% of women fall into the INDEPEND-TOGETHER cell and 32% into the DEPENDENT-TOGETHER cell.

Finally, we see below how more than half of Americans prefer relationships where responsibilities and activities are shared by men and women. On the right, note how those preferring traditional spousal roles are 10 percentage points more likely to prefer relationships where social activities are shared than is the case for those preferring the sharing of earning and household responsibilities. This relationship increases with education, with this percentage point difference increasing from 4 among high school dropouts to 22 among those with four or more years of college (26% of whom fall into the SHARE RESP-SEP THINGS cell).

So what are the modal preferred relationships of Americans? More than half of those surveyed fall into two of the eight combinations one gets when crosstabulating these three variables together: in total, 29% prefer the SHARE RESP-SHARE TOGETHER-EMOTIONAL INDEP combination (the preference of 22% of the males and 35% of females) and 23% prefer the SHARE RESP-SHARE TOGETHER-EMOTIONAL DEPEND combination (the preference of 28% of males and 20% of females).

Return to Family Index