The Entomology Hour
a play
by William M. Razavi
The crew enters. They are Ted Smoothey, Ned and Diane. Diane takes charge. Ted’s the sharp one, follows orders to the letter. Ned is the sand in the gears of the industrial world.
DIANE: Alright everybody, that’s a wrap. Good job, good job.
NED: What’s next?
TED: The Rick and Bob Report.
DIANE: Right. Alright, everyone. Let’s set up for Rick and Bob.
Patterson Mosely, a smarmy executive minion enters.
PATTERSON: Ummm.
DIANE: What’s up for today’s show?
TED: Fishing report…Engine rebuilds…the paleontology thing.
PATTERSON: Excuse me.
DIANE: Not right now.
PATTERSON: I’m…
DIANE: Yes. I’m busy, too. Alright. Let’s get everything set. Let’s get that table-thing over here.
NED: Where do we put these?
DIANE: Right over there.
NED: There?
DIANE: That’s what the chart says.
NED: Alright.
DIANE: Okay. Let’s get some more light over here.
TED: Okay. More light.
PATTERSON: Um. You’ve got this show here.
DIANE: Yes, we do. Very busy. Come back later.
PATTERSON: That’s not really possible.
DIANE: Oh, what a shame. Alright let’s get Rick and Bob in here.
Silence.
DIANE: Where are Rick and Bob?
TED: I haven’t seen them.
DIANE: Ned?
NED: I thought Ted took care of them.
DIANE: We’re about to go live with The Rick and Bob Report without Rick and Bob. We have a problem here.
PATTERSON: Is this the fishing show?
DIANE: It’s The Rick and Bob Report.
PATTERSON: Do Rick and Bob look like they should be fishing?
DIANE: They shouldn’t look like that when they have a show to do.
PATTERSON: But they’re kind of folksy, right?
NED: Some folks might call ‘em that.
PATTERSON: Well, I thought it might be nice to get them out in the field and do a real fishing report, so I sent them out to fish.
TED: It’s not a fishing show.
DIANE: I’m sorry, but—Who are you?
PATTERSON: I’m Patterson Mosely…your new network director…from Giant Communications.
DIANE: Well…Patterson Mosely…our new network director…did it ever occur to you that The Rick and Bob Report is a live panel show hosted by two guys named…Oh, let’s say…Rick…and Bob?
PATTERSON: I just thought it would be a refreshing change.
TED: Diane?
DIANE: Yes?
TED: We go on in two.
DIANE: We go on in two. Okay. Well, Patterson Mosely, would you like to fuck anything else up for us?
Silence.
NED: OH…MY…GOD! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!
TED: Ned!
NED: WHAT?!!!
TED: STOP FREAKING OUT!
NED: CAN’T YOU SEE? IT’S HOPELESS! WE’RE DOOMED.
PATTERSON: Does he always do this?
DIANE: Ned has control issues.
PATTERSON: I see. Maybe we’ll have to reassign…Ned.
DIANE: Ned may freak out, but he’s never fucked up any of our shows…You have.
NED: Omigod, omigod, omigod, omigod.
TED: Ned!
NED: Yes?
TED: Do you need the magic word?
Ned nods.
TED: Just say mangobunny.
NED: Mangobunny, mangobunny, mangobunny.
TED: It’ll be alright now…Diane?
DIANE: Yes?
TED: WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? WE’RE DOOMED! THIS IS A DISASTER! WE’LL BE FIRED FOR SURE!
DIANE: We’re going to do the show.
TED: We can’t do the Rick and Bob Report without Rick and Bob.
DIANE: Yes, we can. And we will. Ned, come over here.
Diane, Ned and Ted huddle and plan something.
PATTERSON: When you get a minute I’d like to discuss a couple of things with you.
DIANE: When I get a minute? When I get a minute I’m going to stick my foot so far up your ass that I can stick it right back there all over again.
Silence.
TED: Wow, that’s like an MC Escher drawing in words.
DIANE: Alright. Let’s get Ted over here and Ned…sit over there.
NED: Okay.
DIANE: Let’s get the lights.
Lights.
DIANE: Roll the theme.
The interminably long Theme from The Rick and Bob Report plays. Ned and Ted sit. They occasionally fidget. This lasts for a couple of minutes. Lights.
TED: Welcome to the Rick and Bob Report. I’m not Rick.
NED: And I’m not Bob.
The Theme song plays again. They sit and smile in anticipation. The song plays almost as long as last time.
TED: Well, that’s all the time we have this week for the Rick and Bob Report. Tune in next week when Rick and Bob will be back with noted paleontologist B.K. Smoot.
NED: And local crank Moose Wittgenstein will review the year’s most annoying movies.
TED: All on the Rick and Bob Report. I’m not Rick.
NED: And I’m not Bob.
The theme plays again. They sit tight again. It seems like an interminable period of time.
Patterson wants to break in, but Diane pierces Patterson with death-ray eyes.
DIANE: Alright. Good job. We’re rolling the War of 1812 cooking special again. Good work, Ted. Nice job, Ned.
TED: Thanks, Diane.
PATTERSON: Good job, folks. That was great, Fred.
NED: It’s Ned.
PATTERSON: Right. Now…Diane…Can I talk to you…
Icy death-ray eyes all around.
PATTERSON: Alright, I made a little mistake.
More iciness in the death-ray eyes.
PATTERSON: Alright, I fucked up.
Silence.
PATTERSON: Royally.
Silence.
PATTERSON: I fucked up royally and I’m a big honkin’ fuck up. I will never make it up to you if I eat bowls of dog poo with a rusty spoon for the rest of my life.
DIANE: Alright, already. That’s enough.
PATTERSON: Am I ingratiating, or what?
DIANE: Did they make you eat dog poo in your business fraternity?
PATTERSON: I have a few questions about our shows.
DIANE: Our shows?
PATTERSON: Giant Communications takes a grave interest in the shows of its individual networks…a grave interest.
DIANE: A grave interest? Did they teach you how to sound kindly ominous in business school, too?
PATTERSON: You have a weekly show that runs for two hours covering Civil War re-enactments.
DIANE: It’s one of our most popular shows.
PATTERSON: We want you to cut it down to one hour.
DIANE: It’s bad enough we’re limited to two hours—any less than that and we’ll lose the re-enactor base audience.
PATTERSON: How many people can that be?
DIANE: Last year thirty-five thousand people showed up to re-enact the surrender at Appomattox.
PATTERSON: That wasn’t even a real battle.
DIANE: Every one of them bought a case of beer and a t-shirt. Did they teach you anything about capitalizing on popular interests in business school?
PATTERSON: Alright, we’ll leave that one alone. You’ve got this Ancient Roman detective show—
DIANE: I Was A Roman Numeral.
PATTERSON: Yeah—
Death-rays.
PATTERSON: You have a show called Five Minutes With Gladys.
TED: Gladys is a fine woman.
PATTERSON: It’s a five minute long show. Nobody else has a five minute format.
Silence.
PATTERSON: What about Espresso Brownie?
NED: Mmm. Espresso Brownie.
PATTERSON: It’s a cooking show where all you cook is Espresso Brownies.
NED: Mmm. Espresso brownies.
DIANE: I’ll admit that one has a limited life span. In a few more months we’ll have to go into reruns and have a new show…that’s why we’ve been developing this new omelet show.
PATTERSON: Something has to go.
DIANE: Why?
PATTERSON: Because we’re a big corporation and we say so.
Silence.
PATTERSON: I’ll make you a deal. We cut The Entomology Hour and I’ll follow all your advice on the rest.
TED: This guy doesn’t know what he’s taking about.
DIANE: That’s impossible. The Entomology Hour…it’s indescribable.
PATTERSON: I can describe it. It’s an hour about bugs. It can be cut to five minutes at the end of one of your other animal shows like Marmot-Town and no child will be left behind in their education about insects.
DIANE: That’s never going to happen.
PATTERSON: We’ll see about that.
TED: She’s here.
DIANE: She’s here?
PATTERSON: Who?
DIANE: H. Throckmorton Wembley, the third.
TED: The greatest entomologist since J. Throckmorton Wembley, the younger.
NED: She’s amazing.
PATTERSON: H. Throckmorton Wembley, the third.
Silence. Lots of nodding and sighing.
PATTERSON: I’m going to cancel her show if it’s the last thing I do.
H. Throckmorton Wembley, III enters with assurance.
WEMBLEY: The thing to remember about the common dust mite is that while it is certainly common it will never cease to amaze you.
TED: That’s amazing.
NED: I love you.
WEMBLEY: That’s nice, Ned.
NED: You remember my name.
WEMBLEY: We’ve been working together for three years, Ned.
NED: Has it been so long?
WEMBLEY: That’s really cute of you.
DIANE: We’ll be ready for you in a few minutes.
WEMBLEY: Thank you, Diane. How’s your new kitten? You said his name was…Nibbles?
DIANE: Nibbles is doing great. It’s really wonderful of you to remember.
WEMBLEY: I remember how hard it was for you when Mr. Fluffytail jumped onto the train.
DIANE: I just hope he’s doing alright…wherever he is.
WEMBLEY: Well, sometimes a cat needs to adopt a hobo life. It must have been for the best. Mr. Fluffytail was a restless spirit.
DIANE: Ummm…I should introduce you to the network…
PATTERSON: Wembley.
Wembley is taken slightly offguard. Silence. Ice.
WEMBLEY: Patterson.
PATTERSON: Wembley.
Patterson commences an advance. Wembley counters with a fighting retreat.
WEMBLEY: Patterson.
PATTERSON: Wem-bley.
WEMBLEY: Patter-son.
PATTERSON: Wembley.
WEMBLEY: Patterson.
PATTERSON: Wembley.
WEMBLEY: Patterson.
Patterson catches Wembley.
PATTERSON: Wembley. Kiss me.
Wembley knees Patterson.
WEMBLEY: I don’t think so.
Patterson crumples.
PATTERSON: I should have known I’d see you again.
WEMBLEY: I never wanted to see you again.
PATTERSON: What can I say? I’m your nemesis.
WEMBLEY: It’s pronounced nuisance.
PATTERSON: Why don’t we let the past bury the past and move on to the future.
WEMBLEY: I’ve seen the future, brother. It is murder.
PATTERSON: Murder? Noooo…just cancellation.
WEMBLEY: You don’t have the balls.
PATTERSON: Oh…don’t I?
WEMBLEY: You’ve never had the brains or the guts.
PATTERSON: You are so attached to the past. Well, the future is with Giant and I’m with Giant.
WEMBLEY: With Giant? I believe that. But you’ll never be giant.
PATTERSON: You know Wembley, I’ve been waiting for this moment since we first met.
WEMBLEY: Great, I hope you enjoy your Second Grade Fantasies.
PATTERSON: Sometimes a boy and a girl who completely hate each other hook up at a debate contest and sometimes that boy later meets a contortionist—and I mean, how can a guy say no to a contortionist?
Ted and Ned nod.
PATTERSON: And sometimes the girl has to be so smart so much of the time and has to just humiliate a guy because he just can’t keep up with how smart she is and how brilliant she is and just how much more she knows and how much more she can do and everyone says that you’ll never be as good as her and that she could blow you away and that you haven’t got a tenth of her coolness and that you might as well just hang it up and work at the Steak and Shake and you remember that smile, that evil smile every time she beat you in the debate and every time you saw her in the cafeteria when she made the next round and…
WEMBLEY: Does this trip back to your glory days have a point?
PATTERSON: I hate insects.
WEMBLEY: People always despise their betters.
PATTERSON: I’m shutting you down right now.
DIANE: You can’t do that. This is the most—
PATTERSON: I can do anything I want. I have the complete confidence of Giant Communications behind me.
DIANE: You have no idea what you’re losing.
PATTERSON: I don’t care. You can keep all the Ant Farm Watching Shows you want, but this one goes—because I say so.
Silence. Death rays bounce off the super-asshole shield.
NED: You suck.
PATTERSON: Admit it, Wembley, you feel drawn to my power now, don’t you? You’ve just been waiting to be bested by someone like this. You love me now, don’t you?
WEMBLEY: I think…that…the most admirable thing…I’ve…ever…heard…was what Ned just said.
Silence. Ned mouths the words "You suck."
PATTERSON: Oh, you’ll love me before this is over.
NED: NOOOO! SHE’LL NEVER SURRENDER!
DIANE: Ned, what are you doing?
NED: STAND BACK! I’M DESPERATE. I’LL DO ANYTHING.
DIANE: Ned, calm down.
PATTERSON: Listen to Diane, Ned. Calm down. This isn’t rational. We’re just going to clear this set and move on to a Giant-approved infomercial.
NED: NOOOOOOO!
PATTERSON: Let’s clear the set.
NED: YOU CAN’T! I’M CHAINING MYSELF TO THE SET.
PATTERSON: Go ahead.
Ned looks around at the cube. There’s no where to chain himself to.
NED: Damn.
Patterson laughs maniacally.
PATTERSON: Oh, don’t worry. Things will be much better with Giant running the show here. It’ll be better for everyone. You’ll love me when it’s all over.
TED: Ned! Grab his hands.
Ned grabs Patterson’s pants.
PATTERSON: What are you doing?
NED: I don’t know. What am I doing?
TED: His hands! Grab his hands!
PATTERSON: What?
Ned grabs Patterson’s hands. Ted reaches into Patterson’s pocket and steals Patterson’s cellphone, thus vexing the aforementioned Patterson.
PATTERSON: What are you doing?
DIANE: He’s taking your cellphone, bright-boy.
PATTERSON: Give that back!
TED: Hello, Giant Communications? This is Patterson Mosely…and I’m feeling a little crazy…put me on the line with the big boss.
PATTERSON: No!
Patterson breaks free. A chase scene ensues.
TED: Hey, big boss man, this is Patterson and I just wanted to tell you that you’re a choad.
PATTERSON: Don’t listen to him!
NED: Get him!
TED: You’re a choad and so am I and that’s why I’m quitting.
PATTERSON: That’s a lie!
TED: Let’s see who we can get next. Debbie? Who’s Debbie?
PATTERSON: Leave her out of this!
Patterson captures Ted, who tosses the phone to Diane.
DIANE: Hello, Debbie? This is Diane. Oh, I’m fine…You don’t know me but I have a question for you.
PATTERSON: Debbie, don’t believe her!
DIANE: Yes, that is Patterson. I was just wondering if he made you paint his toenails, too.
PATTERSON: No!
DIANE: Oh, I was just curious. Would you like to talk to him now? Oh…never? Oh, well, goodbye.
PATTERSON: What have you done?
Ned takes the phone.
NED: Hello, is this Big Mama Mosely?
PATTERSON: Not mother! Not mother!
NED: Hey, Big Mama, how are they hanging?
PATTERSON: STOP IT!
NED: Patterson said I should give you a ring if I wanted to get a little bit of hot apple pie. Do you have any hot apple pie?
PATTERSON: NOOOO!
NED: Yeah, I’d like to see your hot apple pie.
PATTERSON: Stop him!
WEMBLEY: Why don’t you stop him, Mr. Powerful?
NED: Oh, yeah, Big Mama, talk dirty to me.
Silence. Ned’s jaw drops.
NED: I’ve…gotta…go.
Ned hangs up.
TED: What’s wrong?
NED: I’m all kinds of confused right now. I’m going to go home now and take a long shower.
Patterson is crumpled up into a little ball, his world completely shattered.
PATTERSON: Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy.
DIANE: How much do we love you now?
WEMBLEY: It’s a shame you never liked entomology, Patterson. You would understand so much more about the world. But you like ignorant rage and brute force so much more. Have you ever heard of the Praying Mantis, Patterson? Now, that’s a real nemesis.
Music. Fade to black.