Browns
a short play
by William M. Razavi
N.B. Any resemblance between characters here and those created by other people is purely intentional and the reader/audience can rest assured that any profits gained from this questionable use of intellectual properties will go toward the creation of a large solid gold statue of Charles Schulz and other authors skipping around a fountain.
Music. A picnic table with a table cloth. In the background there’s a doghouse with a red roof. At the apex of the roof lies a dog named Snoopy. Snoopy should be played by a human actor or, if possible, an animatronic dog. Snoopy snores. Enter Charlie Brown, a young bald man in his early twenties with a root beer float. Snoopy snores.
CHARLIE BROWN: Hey Snoopy!
Snoopy snores loudly.
CHARLIE BROWN: I guess you’re sick of the family reunion too.
Snoopy looks over at Charlie Brown, stares intently, snores pointedly, and then goes back to sleep.
CHARLIE BROWN: I hate family reunions. I don’t know why we have to have one every year. It’s not like anybody has any new stories. Hey Snoopy, do you want some cinnamon toast?
Snoopy perks up, gets off the doghouse, and trots over to Charlie Brown.
CHARLIE BROWN: I thought that would get your attention.
SNOOPY: Don’t play games with me.
A pause. Snoopy crosses his arms and pats his foot on the ground impatiently.
CHARLIE BROWN: Well, I don’t actually have any cinnamon toast.
Snoopy glares.
CHARLIE BROWN: But if I did, I’d give you some.
Snoopy bares his teeth and growls while shaking his fist.
CHARLIE BROWN: Do you wanna play ball? Huh? Here, go fetch.
Charlie Brown hurls a ball across the stage. Snoopy watches it go then looks over at Charlie Brown and back to the ball and back to Charlie Brown.
CHARLIE BROWN: Go on! Fetch! You can do it!
Snoopy trots over to the doghouse.
CHARLIE BROWN: What are you doing? That’s not where the ball went.
Snoopy retrieves a dollar bill, obviously counterfeit, then walks over to someone in the audience.
SNOOPY: Hey buddy, I’ll give you a dollar if you get that ball for me.
The audience member examines the false dollar.
SNOOPY: What? It’s Canadian. Oh, alright.
Snoopy walks offstage, gets the ball, and gives it to Charlie Brown who pats him on the head.
CHARLIE BROWN: Good boy.
Sally Brown enters.
SALLY BROWN: Hey brother, have you seen my Sweet Babboo?
CHARLIE BROWN: I think he was inside talking to Aunt Ethel.
SALLY BROWN: Thanks.
Sally exits.
CHARLIE BROWN: You can come out now.
Linus comes out from inside the doghouse.
LINUS: Thanks, Charlie Brown. I just needed to get away.
CHARLIE BROWN: I hate family reunions.
LINUS: I think they’re interesting sociological experiments.
VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE: Wahwahwahwahwahwahwahwah.
CHARLIE BROWN: Hi Uncle Ed.
VOICE: Wahwahwahwahwahwah.
CHARLIE BROWN: Yes, Uncle Ed, I have seen your tattoo.
VOICE: Wahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwah.
CHARLIE BROWN: You’ve had it since 1952?
VOICE: Wahwahwahwah.
CHARLIE BROWN: Yeah. It does say 1952 right there.
VOICE: Wahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwah.
CHARLIE BROWN: Yeah, that is a long time.
VOICE: Wahwahwahwahwah.
CHARLIE BROWN: Yeah, it does look like Adlai Stevenson.
VOICE: Wahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwah.
CHARLIE BROWN: No, I don’t want to see it wink.
VOICE: Wahwahwah.
CHARLIE BROWN: I guess it is my loss.
VOICE: Wahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwah.
CHARLIE BROWN: See ya, Uncle Ed. Interesting sociological experiment, huh?
LINUS: Do you think anything would have been different if Stevenson had won?
CHARLIE BROWN: In 1952 or 1956?
LINUS: Either.
CHARLIE BROWN: In this family? Probably not.
LINUS: Hmm.
CHARLIE BROWN: Linus?
LINUS: Yeah?
CHARLIE BROWN: Do you still believe in the Great Pumpkin?
Enter Encyclopedia Brown with a beer. He is well-dressed and carries himself with confidence.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Hello, cousin. Hello, Linus.
CHARLIE BROWN: Hi. [under his breath] Rats.
LINUS: Well if it isn’t Encyclopedia Brown.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: E.B.
CHARLIE BROWN: What?
ENCYCLOPEDIA: My friends call me E.B.
LINUS: I see.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: No. E.B.
LINUS: Oh, you are clever.
CHARLIE BROWN: Solved any mysteries lately?
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Just a few. I’ve been busy delivering papers on forensic psychology at various conferences. And then there’s the internship at Quantico coming up. Yeah, this senior year is certainly busy.
LINUS: I see.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: No. E.B. Oh, I’m really good. So, I see you’ve been stinking up the baseball fields again.
CHARLIE BROWN: Parks. Yeah.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: What did the paper call it? "The worst game of college baseball ever played by the worst team in collegiate history." All those errors–twelve players on the field–what were you people thinking?
CHARLIE BROWN: The college stopped funding the team. We didn’t have any coaches.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Oh, I could tell.
LINUS: Another mystery solved.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Granted, I only caught the highlights on the news. I can only imagine the games were far worse taken as a whole.
CHARLIE BROWN: They were.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Well, still, if you can’t win at least you can entertain. Do you want a beer?
CHARLIE BROWN: No thanks, I’m in training.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Coming back for another season? Well, you are persistent, I’ll give you that.
CHARLIE BROWN: Yeah.
Snoopy walks over to Encyclopedia and starts to lift his leg.
CHARLIE BROWN: Snoopy, if you have to go, go somewhere else.
Snoopy walks away, shaking his fist at Encyclopedia.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Sometimes I feel sorry for you. I mean, it looks like my branch of the family got all the luck. All you got was a mangy old dog. But you guys are persistent–and clean–and that’s worth something. I don’t suppose you study anything at that little college of yours other than baseball?
CHARLIE BROWN: As a matter of fact–
ENCYCLOPEDIA: No, wait. Let me guess–spelling! Another mystery solved.
CHARLIE BROWN: Good grief.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: You know what? I’m going to start calling you C.B. from now on. How do you like the ring of that, C.B.? C.B. Yeah. It’s got a good ring to it. Maybe that’ll at least give you some luck with the ladies off the field, since lady luck isn’t doing it for you on the field.
CHARLIE BROWN: I’m doing fine, thanks.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Come on! You’ve got to shake things up. Get excited! Get exciting! You should read a book or two, get smarter, have some deep conversations. Really meaningful stuff, you know? I mean, you’ll never be as smart or as interesting as my, but–
LINUS: Leave him alone, Encyclopedia.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: I’m just giving my cousin some helpful advice.
LINUS: He doesn’t need your advice.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Look where your advice has landed him the poor guy. I mean, at least I don’t suck my thumb.
LINUS: What do you suck?
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Funny you should mention that, Li. I have a good story about that. Hey C.B., remember that little red-haired girl you were always after?
CHARLIE BROWN: Heather?
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Yeah, Heather. I had forgotten her name. Yeah. Well, I did her sophomore year.
CHARLIE BROWN: Did her what?
LINUS: Good grief, Charlie Brown.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: I did her.
CHARLIE BROWN: Oh. Ohhhh.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Yeah. She was alright. Transferred last year–somewhere out West. Yeah.
CHARLIE BROWN: Rats.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Is that all you have to say? Aren’t you curious about how she was?
CHARLIE BROWN: No.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Well, I guess it’s just more in my nature to be inquisitive. Probing.
LINUS: Alright, that’s it. Wahwahwahwahwahwahwahwah.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: You’ve read Voltaire? Ouch. I’m almost impressed.
LINUS: [in a French accent] Wahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwah.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: In the original French. So that’s how it’s going to be? Wahwahwahwahwah.
LINUS: Wahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwah.
This continues for a while. Charlie Brown looks perplexed. Snoopy watches it like a tennis match.
Enter Sally Brown.
SALLY BROWN: There’s my Sweet Babboo! What’s going on?
CHARLIE BROWN: Linus is sticking up for me.
SALLY BROWN: Oh. That’s nice of him.
CHARLIE BROWN: Yeah.
SALLY BROWN: Why don’t you stick up for yourself? Or at least get the dog to do it.
SNOOPY: I tried, but he wouldn’t let me.
CHARLIE BROWN: I think it’s better if someone on the same intellectual plane challenged him. Besides, I’d probably just end up hitting him with a baseball bat.
SALLY BROWN: If you did, it would be the only thing you hit with that bat all season.
CHARLIE BROWN: Good grief, not you too?
SALLY BROWN: You left yourself too open for that one. I couldn’t resist. Doesn’t Linus look so mature?
CHARLIE BROWN: I guess. I don’t understand a single word they’re saying.
LINUS: And while you have a big brain, you’re just a small human being, Encyclopedia Brown.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Well…cousin Sally. You’re looking fine. I didn’t see you there.
SALLY BROWN: I was lucky.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Maybe you’d like to join me a little later for some family fun?
SALLY BROWN: Beat it, creep.
LINUS: Isn’t he engaged?
CHARLIE BROWN: I thought he was.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: I like what you’ve done with your hair. We could go share a couple of mysteries. Starting with the mystery of…[He whispers something in her ear.]
SALLY BROWN: You creep. Snoopy, do your business!
SNOOPY:I really don’t have to go now.
SALLY BROWN: YOU HEARD ME! DO IT! NOW!
SNOOPY: Oh, alright.
Snoopy walks over to Encyclopedia and attempts to pee while straining passionately.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Your dog seems to have some trouble urinating.
Snoopy gives up.
SNOOPY: I got nothing.
Snoopy exits. Sally Kimball enters. She is a sci-fi girl all grown up.
SALLY KIMBALL: Hey, Encyclopedia.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: E.B. I told you to call me E.B.
SALLY KIMBALL: Where’d you run off to?
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Here.
SALLY KIMBALL: Are you trying to get away from me?
ENCYCLOPEDIA: No, no, no. No. No. No. Not at all. No, not that. I just needed some fresh air. And then I thought I’d catch up with the other Browns. You remember Charlie Brown, his friend Linus, and Charlie’s sister Sally Brown.
SALLY KIMBALL: Hi. I’m Sally Kimball–soon to be Sally Brown.
SALLY BROWN: I’m Sally Brown.
SALLY KIMBALL: That’s so cool. We’ll both be Sally Browns.
SALLY BROWN: That’s not cool at all.
SALLY KIMBALL: It’ll be awesome. We can be like twins.
SALLY BROWN: Snoopy!
SNOOPY: What?
SALLY BROWN: You know what’s cool. What do you say?
SNOOPY: That’s not cool.
SALLY BROWN: See.
SALLY KIMBALL: But I have to be Sally Brown. There’s no other way.
SALLY BROWN: There’s only going to be one Sally Brown until I become Sally Van Pelt.
LINUS: What?!
CHARLIE BROWN: What?! You’re marrying my sister?
LINUS: I assumed you’d keep your maiden name.
CHARLIE BROWN: You’re marrying my sister?
Charlie Brown faints. Snoopy fans him.
SALLY BROWN: That’s so patriarchal of you–to assume that I’d do something.
LINUS: So you want to be Sally Van Pelt?
CHARLIE BROWN: You’re marrying my sister?
LINUS: Not anytime soon, Charlie Brown.
CHARLIE BROWN: Well, that’s a relief.
SNOOPY: You got any of that cinnamon toast?
SALLY BROWN: Either way, I’m going to be the only Sally Brown.
SALLY KIMBALL: You can’t stop me.
Sally Brown punches Sally Kimball in the gut.
SALLY BROWN: Oh yes, I can.
Sally Kimball runs away.
SALLY BROWN: COME BACK HERE AND I’LL GIVE YOU SOME MORE, NAME-STEALER!
Sally Brown runs off.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: That’s just great.
CHARLIE BROWN: You’re marrying my sister?
LINUS: Not officially. Not yet.
VOICE: Wahwahwahwahwahwahwah.
CHARLIE BROWN: No, I haven’t seen Aunt Gertie’s mole.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: I have. It’s terrifying.
VOICE: Wahwahwahwah.
CHARLIE BROWN: I suppose you could put cheese wheels on your car.
VOICE: Wahwahwahwahwah.
CHARLIE BROWN: No, I don’t suppose you’d get very far. I thought older people were supposed to be smarter.
LINUS: Not always.
CHARLIE BROWN: Have you heard from Schroeder?
LINUS: He’s on a European tour. Really busy.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Whatever happened to those lesbians you used to hang out with–the ones from your baseball team?
Snoopy enters with goggles and a scarf.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: What is that?
CHARLIE BROWN: The Great World War One Ace climbs into the cockpit of his Sopwith Camel to hunt the skies for his nemesis, The Red Baron.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: You guys are crazy.
Linus helps Snoopy with the propeller.
CHARLIE BROWN: He takes off from somewhere in France and roams the skies. The excitement is palpable. The motor hums. Death could be right around the corner or behind the next cloud. But still our hero searches.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: You think your dog is a World War One ace? Please.
LINUS: But then the Great World War One Ace gets a lucky break. He spots the Red Baron’s Fokker in a field next to a barn. He lands his Sopwith Camel in a nearby field. He gets out of his plane and crawls–
Snoopy looks at Linus, then walks over to Encyclopedia.
LINUS: He walks over to the barn, where he find the Red Baron–and he bites the Red Baron, viciously.
Snoopy bites Encyclopedia.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Your dog bit me.
CHARLIE BROWN: Good boy.
Peppermint Patty and Marcie enter. They should be played by the same actors who play the Sallys.
PEPPERMINT PATTY: Hey, Chuck!
MARCIE: Hello, Sir.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Well, well, well. Wahwahwahwahwahwahwah.
LINUS: Oh, grow up.
PEPPERMINT PATTY: You look familiar.
Marcie whispers in her ear.
PEPPERMINT PATTY: You’re Encyclopedia Johnson!
ENCYCLOPEDIA: I think you have me confused with someone else.
PEPPERMINT PATTY: No, I’m sure of it. Freshman year at the University this guy gets wheeled into the campus clinic bleeding like a really bad bleeder. Real crazy bleeding. It turns out he was going to be getting his horse out of the barn, if you catch my drift, but he thought he’d practice with some sort of manual. Next thing you know the book slips and he’s got a deep paper cut on his johnson. Man. Encyclopedia Johnson. How’s it hanging? Your equipment working alright now?
ENCYCLOPEDIA: My equipment is fine. What are you doing here?
PEPPERMINT PATTY: We’re blowing this joint for dinner and a private party. Are you ready, Chuck?
CHARLIE BROWN: Just about.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: I thought you two were…you know. Wahwahwah.
MARCIE: It’s called a ménage.
CHARLIE BROWN: Yeah.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: I need another beer.
Encyclopedia exits.
PEPPERMINT PATTY: A beer sounds good. Mind if we go inside and crash the reunion for a couple of beers?
CHARLIE BROWN: Go ahead.
PEPPERMINT PATTY: Come on, let’s go.
MARCIE: Yes, sir.
They exit.
CHARLIE BROWN: Linus?
LINUS: Yeah?
CHARLIE BROWN: Do you still believe in the Great Pumpkin?
LINUS: I don’t think I’m going to answer that, Charlie Brown.
CHARLIE BROWN: Why not?
LINUS: It’s a lose-lose situation. If I say yes, then it looks like I’m a dreamer who refuses to grow up and face reality. And if I say no, then it sounds like I don’t have dreams anymore and that I can’t believe in anything. So I’m just going to let the mystery be.
They stare up for a moment.
CHARLIE BROWN: Linus.
LINUS: Yeah?
CHARLIE BROWN: I’d feel the same way about you either way.
LINUS: Thanks, Charlie Brown.
Snoopy walks over to the doghouse and climbs up to lie down.
Lights.