The Real World: Mt. Olympus
a short play
by William M. Razavi
Lights. We see a stylized Greek templish version of a living quarter. Various people are scattered about in niches and nooks huddled under blankets and sheets sleeping soundly. An extremely perky morning person enters.
DAWN: I’m Dawn, the rosy-fingered Aurora and this is–Is this alright? Can I get some more light on this side?
LIGHT BOARD OP: NO!
DAWN: It’s just that I feel like I’ve got too much shadow on this side.
LIGHT BOARD OP: SHUT UP!
DAWN: Okay. I’m just trying to make things better.
LIGHT BOARD OP: STOP WHINING!
DAWN: Okay.
She takes a moment to breathe and regain her composure.
DAWN: I’m Dawn, the rosy-fingered Aurora, and this is The Real World: Mount Olympus! Hit it!
SOUND BOARD OP: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
DAWN: Okay.
The Real World: Mt. Olympus Theme Song plays while Dawn holds up signs next to all the sleeping people indicating who they are–Zeus, Athena, Aphrodite, Apollo, Dionysus, and herself. When the theme song stops, she holds up a sign that says "MORNING."
DAWN: Good morning, everybody. It’s Dawn, the rosy-fingered Aurora!
EVERYONE: SHUT UP!
Dawn jumps on top of Zeus.
DAWN: Wake up, sleepyhead!
ZEUS: Fuck off!
DAWN: It’s Dawn, the rosy-fingered Aurora!
She shakes him.
ZEUS: Fuck off!
He pulls the covers over his head. She pulls them back off.
DAWN: Rise and shine!
ZEUS: What time is it?
DAWN: It’s the crack of dawn!
ZEUS: It’s still dark. I can smite people when the sun is up.
DAWN: Time to rise and shine!
ZEUS: Go away.
He throws her off him and goes back to sleep.
DAWN: He was up late last night.
She goes over to Athena.
DAWN: Rise and shine, Athena. It’s Dawn, the rosy–
ATHENA: I’m awake. I’ve been awake.
DAWN: It’s time to get up.
ATHENA: Whatever.
Athena gets up, puts on a pair of glasses and a baseball cap and starts reading a thick book. Dawn goes over to Aphrodite and starts to uncover her.
DAWN: Wake up, Aphrodite. It’s Dawn, the rosy-fingered–Eeeee!
Aphrodite’s face is covered by some sort of oatmeal, cucumber, tomato-paste concoction or some such thing. She screams in response to Dawn’s scream. They trade salvos of screams for a while.
ZEUS: Will you two shut your cakeholes and let me get some sleep!
APHRODITE: That was uncalled for.
ZEUS: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Dawn goes over to Apollo.
DAWN: Good morning, Apollo!
She pats down his bedding.
DAWN: Apollo?
She uncovers Apollo, but there is only some sort of stuffed animal and a couple of pillows.
DAWN: He’s been transformed into a bear!
ATHENA: He went out last night. He was chasing a wood nymph or a water-sprite.
DAWN: Oh.
Dawn goes over to Dionysus.
DAWN: Rise and shine, Dionysus!
Dionysus moans.
DAWN: It’s a beautiful morning. I’m walking on sunshine!
DIONYSUS: I was so fucked up last night.
DAWN: Yeah.
Dionysus moans.
DAWN: Wake up, sleepyhead. Or I’ll have to tickle you.
Dionysus moans.
DAWN: Okay, here comes Dawn, the rosy-fingered–
She goes to tickle Dionysus, but just as she does he gets up doubles over in front of a trash bucket next to where he was sleeping, and throws up right into it.
DAWN: Oh, oh, oh. I didn’t mean to do that. I–
ZEUS: Will everyone just shut up and let me sleep!
DAWN: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m–I’m going to be sick.
She tries to borrow Dionysus’s bucket, but he pushes her away.
DIONYSUS: I’m using this one.
He hurls into it again.
DAWN: I’m going to be sick.
ATHENA: You are sick.
ZEUS: Shut up!
APHRODITE: Don’t be mean. It’s bad for my complexion.
ATHENA: Oh, please.
DAWN: I don’t think I can–
Dawn starts looking about in the audience for somewhere to throw up, but then bolts offstage. We hear some of the world’s most phantasmagoric retching ever.
APHRODITE: What’s her problem?
ATHENA: It’s a classic case of–
ZEUS: It’s a classic case of people who can’t shut their cakeholes and let me sleep!
Dawn re-enters, perky as ever.
DAWN: Whew! I wouldn’t go back there, if you know what I mean!
Blackout. Music.
Lights come back up. Dawn is holding a sign that says "Several hours later."
She walks over to Zeus, who is on the phone.
DAWN: Zeus is on the phone again.
Zeus gestures for her to go away.
DAWN: He’s always talking to Hera. She thinks he’s cheating on her, which he usually is.
ZEUS: No, Hera, I’m not cheating on you.
APHRODITE: Has anyone seen my red bra?
ATHENA: I think Apollo took it.
ZEUS: No, that wasn’t another one of my women. I’m not seeing anyone. It’s just you, baby.
DAWN: Hey, Zeus–
ZEUS: Go away. What? No, I’m not with anyone–just the stupid roommates. Look, she was a cow. Yes, I was a bull–but if she’s a cow and I’m a bull then it doesn’t count. What? No, I wouldn’t like it if you were a cow–unless I was a bull. It didn’t count that time either. I was a swan. It doesn’t count if I’m an animal–or if I’m pretending to be someone else. Why do you have to be so uptight about this? Come on, you know I love you the best. I don’t love anyone else.
DAWN: He’s always on the phone.
ZEUS: Will you get away from here, I’m trying to talk!
DAWN: Sorry. Where’s Apollo!
ATHENA: He’s locked himself in the bathroom again.
APHRODITE: Apollo, if you don’t get out of there right now I’m going to–get real mad.
DAWN: He does this a lot.
ATHENA: He got the shaft last night.
APHRODITE: Apollo, it’s not the end of the world.
DAWN: What happened?
ATHENA: Wood nymph turned herself into a tree to get away from him.
DAWN: He can be so clingy.
APHRODITE: Just because she turned herself into a tree doesn’t mean that girls don’t like you.
ATHENA: They don’t like him because he’s so needy.
APHRODITE: Listen I know this is hard for you, but if you come out here we can all talk about it.
ATHENA: I don’t think he’s coming out.
APHRODITE: He’d better come out.
Dionysus enters. He is walking unsteadily.
DIONYSUS: I got so wasted last night.
ATHENA: You’re still wasted.
DIONYSUS: Yeah.
APHRODITE: Apollo! If you don’t get your stupid ass out of there right now I’ll break the door down. I have a date. I have needs. Get out.
She kicks at the door. Dionysus stumbles along.
DIONYSUS: Dude. Let me in.
APHRODITE: Don’t you dare let him in before me! If you open this door now I’ll turn you into a frog turd.
Dionysus stumbles around for a moment.
ATHENA: Apollo, I think you’d better open that door.
APHRODITE: What’s wrong?
DAWN: Uh-oh.
ZEUS: Will you people shut up? No, Hera, we’re not having an orgy.
Dionysus grabs Aphrodite.
DIONYSUS: What are you doing? Get away from me. Okay, okay. I’ll help you walk it off.
Dionysus takes Aphrodite offstage with him.
DAWN: I don’t think that’s a good idea.
ATHENA: It’s a stupid idea.
There are sounds of violent retching from backstage. Aphrodite re-enters, disgusted.
APHRODITE: He just threw up on all of my shoes. I don’t know how he did it. I have a lot of shoes.
DAWN: She does have a lot of shoes.
APHRODITE: Athena, can I borrow a pair of shoes for my date tonight?
ATHENA: Go ahead.
Aphrodite waits for a moment, then coughs politely. Athena glares at her, then puts her book down and pulls out a cardboard box.
APHRODITE: You call these things shoes?
Athena looks at the box.
ATHENA: Yes. They go on the feet. They’re shoes. In Latin you would call them–
APHRODITE: Whatever.
DAWN: You can borrow my shoes.
APHRODITE: Um, no.
DAWN: Why not? I have some cute shoes I could–
APHRODITE: I don’t think I could fit my feet into those large things you wear.
DAWN: I think we’re the same size.
APHRODITE: No. We’re not.
ATHENA: Yes, you are.
APHRODITE: I’ll just borrow some of Apollo’s girly shoes. He won’t notice. SINCE HE WON’T COME OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND LET THE REST OF US USE IT.
Dionysus enters.
DIONYSUS: Man I was so–
He starts convulsing.
ATHENA: Get the bucket.
DAWN: Where is it?
APHRODITE: Here it is!
ATHENA: Quick.
DAWN: Here you go.
Dionysus hurls.
DAWN: What has he been drinking?
ATHENA: What has he been eating?
APHRODITE: That doesn’t look like ambrosia to me.
Blackout. Music.
Lights come back up. Zeus is on the phone. Aphrodite is banging on the door.
Athena and Dawn are sitting next to each other.
APHRODITE: Open the door! You’ve been in there a whole week. We need to use the bathroom.
ZEUS: She meant nothing to me! Hera? Hera, don’t you dare hang up on me!
APHRODITE: I’m tired of peeing in the pool!
DAWN: You’ve been peeing in the pool?
ATHENA: Did you think the pool was supposed to be that color.
DAWN: I’m going to be sick.
Dionysus enters. He is smiling broadly. Everyone looks at him for a second. He leans over and throws up. Blackout.
Lights. Same as before. Dionysus is passed out in front of Dawn and Athena. Aphrodite is still banging on the door.
DAWN: Today, Aphrodite and I are going to give Athena a makeover.
ATHENA: I don’t want a makeover.
DAWN: Come on over here, Aphrodite.
ATHENA: Why don’t you give sick boy here a makeover?
DAWN: It’ll make you feel like a new goddess.
ATHENA: I’m doing fine thanks.
DAWN: Come on, it’ll be fun.
ATHENA: Why don’t you try reading a book?
ZEUS: Why don’t all of you shut your cakeholes and let me talk on the phone?
Dionysus stirs.
ATHENA: Get the bucket.
DAWN: It’s alright. He’s only had water all day.
Dionysus gets up.
ZEUS: Come on, Hera, fathering a child with someone doesn’t count if I still love you.
Dionysus doubles up and hurls into the bucket. Blackout.
Lights. Dawn is standing downstage center.
DAWN: I feel like we’re growing apart. Athena is so resistant to change. She won’t stop reading. I mean, how much can there really be to read. She needs to get out and party. Aphrodite seems so distant. She won’t open up to us about her relationships. I think it’s because of her nymphomania disorder. It makes her reluctant to engage in real intimacy.
Apollo still won’t come out of the bathroom. The wood nymph apparently turned herself into poison oak. I hope he has some lotion in there. Zeus never gets off the phone. Except to cheat on Hera. Dionysus is the nicest to me. He’s really a sweetheart.
DIONYSUS: Hey babe, you wanna mess around?
DAWN: Not now. Not here.
DIONYSUS: Come on, bookworm won’t look. Will ya?
Athena looks over at them.
ATHENA: Get the bucket.
DIONYSUS: What are you talking about? I’m perfectly–
Dionysus throws up. Blackout. Lights.
DAWN: We’re having a birthday party for Zeus tonight. I hope he doesn’t feel too much older.
APHRODITE: Alright, let’s bring in the cake.
ATHENA: Here we go.
ZEUS: Hera, I’m not going to cheat on you on my birthday. I’m only thinking about you tonight, baby.
DAWN: Happy Birthday!
ZEUS: Look, I’m going to call you back in a second. Okay, I’ll just put the phone up so you can hear me not cheating on you.
DAWN: We have presents!
APHRODITE: You have to blow out the candles first.
ZEUS: Alright.
ATHENA: Make a wish.
ZEUS: I’m making several.
He blows out the candles on the cake.
ATHENA: This one’s from me.
ZEUS: Another book. That’s great. You can read it to me sometime when I give a shit about…
He reads the title.
ZEUS: The Sound and The Fury.
APHRODITE: This one’s from me.
He looks into a box.
ZEUS: Whoa, hey. I’ll bet someone’s going to be real happy with me when I put that on.
Aphrodite winks at him.
DAWN: This one’s from Ares.
He opens the box. It’s a toy tank.
ZEUS: This is great. Remind me to tell Ares that it’s not the thought that counts.
ATHENA: This one’s from Poseidon.
ZEUS: Sea monkeys! Awesome!
APHRODITE: And this one’s from Hades.
ZEUS: It’s a ‘get out of death free’ card. He’s such a joker.
Zeus looks around in the box.
ZEUS: That’s all he gave me, isn’t it?
Everyone nods.
ZEUS: Cheap bastard.
DIONYSUS: And this one’s from me.
Dionysus goes to get a box from behind something but then he throws up.
DIONYSUS: I’ll get you another one.
ZEUS: Sure. That’s great.
Zeus holds his hand over the phone receiver and looks at Dawn.
ZEUS: Are we still on for tonight?
DAWN: Anytime.
ZEUS: That’s my best present. Talking to you on the phone is my best present, dear.
APHRODITE: Alright, let’s get a picture. Excuse me, can you stand here and get our picture.
Aphrodite cajoles and audience member to take the picture.
DAWN: We should get Apollo out here for the picture.
ATHENA: I don’t think he’s coming out.
ZEUS: Let’s just get this over with.
APHRODITE: Yeah. I have a date.
ZEUS: So do I. I mean, on the phone, with you.
DAWN: Everybody say cheese!
Blackout. Dionysus hurls. Music.
Lights. Music continues as each of the characters does a brief snippet.
ZEUS: I think, after the Real World, I want to be a cop. Or a fireman.
DIONYSUS: I just want to–hang on–
He disappears to hurl.
APHRODITE: Can I share a secret? I got a rush every time I peed in the pool.
ATHENA: After this, I’m going to finish reading this book. Then I’m going to start another one.
DAWN: I think Zeus is going to divorce Hera and then we’re going to move in together, maybe in Malibu. But really, I don’t ever want to leave the Real World.
Dionysus throws up again.
Lights. Music swells.