by William M. Razavi

HENRY: Last week I broke up with my girlfriend. Actually, she broke up with me. Well, first she cheated on me, then she broke up with me. This was after I cheated on her. So the precise chronology is–We hooked up at a party, we started officially dating, I cheated on her with Jenny, she cheated on me with Dave, then she broke up with me, after which I started telling people I broke up with her. That was a week ago. In the past week I have done some deep soul-searching. And I’ve found out some important things. Some very important things. Things I won’t go into right now.

So I came to this theater which no one ever uses and I started working out some equations–theoretical physics, applied chemistry, advanced phrenological reactions. And when I had it all figured out I brought in some seemingly simple household equipment and set up shop. Fortunately, no one ever come in here.

Thanks to the Physics Department and a little bit of theoretical rambling I stumbled into the principle of time travel. I won’t go into the details, I’m planning on getting those published when I’ve done what I have to do. And now, you will be the first witnesses of time travel.

HENRY: This lever will take me either forward or backward. This dial will set the time. The only downside is that I can’t change my location. And now, I’m going back to last week, so I can get my girlfriend back.

HENRY: Here we are. I don’t remember this place looking so strange. And the air smells like a circus elephant.

HENRY: Who are you?

TITANIA: I’m Titania.

HENRY: Hello, Titania.

TITANIA: And you must leave here.

HENRY: I have things to do.

TITANIA: You must leave here.

HENRY: Yeah, I heard you the first time. I have to get my girlfriend back.

TITANIA: What is a girlfriend?

HENRY: In my case, it’s someone I cheated on.

TITANIA: You are a cheater?

HENRY: Yes.

TITANIA: Hello, Cheater. I’m Titania.

HENRY: Yes, I know.

TITANIA: And you must leave here.

HENRY: I’m not leaving without my girlfriend.

TITANIA: So you can cheat on her?

HENRY: No, so I can avoid cheating on her. You’re really strange.

TITANIA: You’re the strange one.

HENRY: Well, it’s been nice talking to you, but I have to see Jane.

TITANIA: Jane.

HENRY: Jane.

TITANIA: Jane. Jane. Jane. Jane. What a strange word. Jane. What is a Jane?

HENRY: Jane is my girlfriend.

TITANIA: Girlfriend. Jane.

HENRY: Yes.

HENRY: What was that?

TITANIA: You must go now!

HENRY: I’m not going anywhere until I’ve seen Jane.

TITANIA: You must go or you will be destroyed.

HENRY: Nobody’s destroying anything.

HEAD MUTANT: You’re in the eye of the storm now.

MUTANT: Yeah, you’re in the eye of the storm now.

HEAD MUTANT: Don’t do that!

MUTANT: What?

HEAD MUTANT: Don’t repeat everything I say.

MUTANT: Why not? I thought that was good.

HEAD MUTANT: It only makes you look like a cackling minion and it undercuts what I’m trying to say.

MUTANT: I thought it instilled terror into the all the Probs.

HEAD MUTANT: No, it just makes them laugh. And that makes me sad.

MUTANT: But what do I do now?

HEAD MUTANT: Try doing some menacing things.

MUTANT: Okay. Like I could go over to those Probs and shake their hands real hard.

HEAD MUTANT: That’s a start.

HENRY: What have you done to her?

HENRY: Stay away from me.

MUTANT: How’s that for menacing?

HEAD MUTANT: I’m almost impressed.

Mutant manages to back Henry into a corner and shake his hand. It’s not a big deal.

HENRY: That’s it.

MUTANT: He’s got a strong handshake.

HENRY: I don’t think that girl eats.

HEAD MUTANT: Oh, the Probs are fed well enough.

MUTANT: Yeah, the Probs are fed well enough.

HEAD MUTANT: What did I just tell you about repeating everything I say?

MUTANT: Oh, right. Sorry.

HENRY: Excuse me, but what is a Prob?

HEAD MUTANT: Probs are things like that girl over there and you. You’re a Prob.

TITANIA: I’m Titania. You must leave this place.

HENRY: I don’t think I can.

TITANIA: Jane. Jane.

HENRY: This is the future! I had the lever figured out backward.

HEAD MUTANT: Oh, you’re very bright for a Prob.

HENRY: And there are mutants in the future.

HEAD MUTANT: Yes, but we’re doing our best to get rid of them.

MUTANT: Yeah, we’re doing our best.

HEAD MUTANT: I swear I’ll put you over a grill like a Prob.

HENRY: You eat the Probs?

HEAD MUTANT: First, we get them hopped up on goofballs then we kill them and eat them.

MUTANT: Yeah.

Mutant walks over and shakes Henry’s hand. Then Mutant shakes Titania’s hand. She collapses.

HEAD MUTANT: It’s still hard to get good help in the "future."

HENRY: So, you–what do you call yourselves.

HEAD MUTANT: We haven’t settled on a name yet. It’s between Anasazi and T-Birds.

HENRY: So you creatures have taken over the planet.

HEAD MUTANT: Much of it, yes.

HENRY: And the Probs are like cattle.

HEAD MUTANT: Cattle? What on earth is a cattle?

HENRY: You know, cows. Big things with lots of meat.

MUTANT: Is it like a fat Prob?

HENRY: A lot bigger.

HEAD MUTANT: Oh, yes. I think there may have been some of those left in the first wave of our mutations. But after the great destruction we just had to depend on eating Probs. And ferrets.

HENRY: I have to get back to the past and stop this.

HEAD MUTANT: The past? Why would you do that?

HENRY: Because this is a monstrous post-apocalyptic nightmare.

HEAD MUTANT: Not for us. We’re doing quite well.

HENRY: But look at that girl. You’ve got her hopped up on goofballs and then you’re going to kill her and eat her.

HEAD MUTANT: Yes. She is a puny meal, but it’s better than vegetarianism.

HENRY: What happened? What went wrong? What kind of evils did mankind unleash in the thousand years since my time?

HEAD MUTANT: Thousand years? When are you from?

HENRY: The year 2004.

HEAD MUTANT: It’s still the year 2004.

HENRY: What?

HEAD MUTANT: Look at your timekeeping device.

HENRY: It’s twenty minutes fast.

HEAD MUTANT: You’re in the future.

HENRY: This is twenty minutes in the future.

HEAD MUTANT: Horrible, isn’t it?

HENRY: Then I can stop this. Stand back.

HEAD MUTANT: Oh, I wouldn’t think of stopping you. This might be interesting.

HENRY: I’ll go back to the past and figure out what happened. I mean, in twenty minutes there’s only so much that could go wrong.

HEAD MUTANT: Yes. You might think that.

HENRY: I’m leaving.

TITANIA: You must leave here.

HENRY: Yeah. I am.

HENRY: Alright. Here we are. I came up with these equations. I made this machine. Alright. Everyone think about what you might have considered doing in the next twenty minutes.

Don’t even think of going to the bathroom. That could only lead to disaster. You two, whatever you were thinking of doing in the next twenty minutes–don’t! Alright.

What else could it have been? Someone call the president and tell him to not do anything rash in the next twenty minutes. And try not to pollute the air too much in the next half hour. And you over there–you should really not go out for a smoke break.

Okay, here we go.

HENRY: Well, the future smells better this time.

JENNY: You’re late.

HENRY: Jenny! You’re in the future?

JENNY: I’m in the present. And the present is half an hour late for our date.

HENRY: Our date? That was a week ago.

JENNY: It’s right now.

HENRY: I’m in the past.

JENNY: You’re in crazyland, that’s for sure.

HENRY: Listen, this is hard to explain.

JENNY: Are you going to sit in that contraption all night or are we going to have a romantic evening here?

HENRY: I can’t.

JENNY: What’s wrong with you?

HENRY: I have to save the future.

JENNY: Is this about Jane?

HENRY: Partly.

JENNY: I knew it. You’re such a tool.

HENRY: What?

JENNY: You used me to get Jane jealous.

HENRY: No! I used you for you. Really. I’ve seen the future, and frankly, it wasn’t that good. I’m not that good of a kisser and you–

JENNY: What?

HENRY: You…are…a really nice person.

JENNY: Get out.

HENRY: Sorry.

HENRY: Jenny?

JENNY: They’re going to cook me in a stew. Thanks a lot, Henry.

HEAD MUTANT: You can’t fight the future.

HENRY: Oh, we’ll see about that.

HENRY: Jenny?

JANE: Oh, so you were expecting to see her?

HENRY: Jane, I can explain.

JANE: We’re through. Over.

HENRY: No, you can’t do that.

JANE: Why not? You cheated on me.

HENRY: And you cheated on me with Dave.

JANE: No, I didn’t.

HENRY: Really?

JANE: How did you know?

HENRY: You cheated on me with Dave. Everybody knows.

JANE: I was going to see him here tonight. Nothing’s happened yet.

HENRY: So something was going to happen.

JANE: That was my plan. Did you talk to Dave?

HENRY: No, I hardly know the guy. I’ve been to the future.

JANE: Are you high?

HENRY: No!

JANE: Then I think you’d better leave here before Dave gets here.

HENRY: If you mess around with Dave then mutants will take over the planet.

JANE: Okay, you’re high. I’m going to call campus safety.

HENRY: I can’t lose you again.

JANE: You shouldn’t have cheated on me.

HENRY: I thought I fixed that.

JANE: Get out!

HENRY: I’m going.

HENRY: Jenny?

MUTANT: Hot Ham and Cheese.

HEAD MUTANT: I didn’t think you could change the future, but I’ll admit the sandwiches are a nice touch.

HENRY: I have to go.

HEAD MUTANT: Good luck, Prob.

HENRY: Jane?

JENNY: It’s not nice to call your new girlfriend by the old one’s name.

HENRY: Thank goodness, the mutants haven’t eaten you.

JENNY: Are you high?

HENRY: No!

JENNY: That wasn’t a very good kiss.

HENRY: No. I know that. But it may have just saved the future.

HEAD MUTANT: They call this one a Reuben.

MUTANT: I really like the sauerkraut.

HENRY: I’ll be back.

HENRY: Jane?

JANE: What’s wrong?

HENRY: No time for explanations.

He kisses Jane quickly.

HENRY: I know. I’m a lousy kisser. But I’ll work on that.

JANE: Are you high?

HENRY: I might be. I’m not sure anymore. I’ll see you in the future.

JANE: Get some sleep.

HENRY: Yeah.

HENRY: Jane?

JANE: Henry?

HEAD MUTANT: I should let you two work this out.

HENRY: I have to go.

HENRY: Jenny?

JENNY: Oh, it’s you.

JANE: Sorry.

HENRY: Is this the future or the past? Never mind. I’m not sure I want to know.

HENRY: Titania?

TITANIA: I’m afraid you’ve mistaken me for someone else. My name is Eleanor Roosevelt.

HENRY: Really?

TITANIA: Yes.

HENRY: Well…No, that would really mess things up. Nice meeting you.

HENRY: Where did this come from?

TITANIA: Is that orange for me?

HENRY: I don’t know.

HENRY: I know how to fix this one.

HENRY: Here, take this.

TITANIA: Thank you.

HENRY: Aaah!

HEAD MUTANT: No, we were just messing with you. That was good.

MUTANT: Thanks.

HENRY: Great. Mutants with a sense of humor.

HEAD MUTANT: What’s your prob, Prob?

MUTANT: Yeah, what’s your prob?

HEAD MUTANT: Stop that!

HENRY: I’ll be going now.

HENRY: I don’t know what variables are left. Twenty minutes from now there’ll be a post-apocalyptic nightmare with mutants that wear hats. And they may or may not have access to deli sandwiches, but they will be killing and eating the rest of us–after hopping us up on goofballs. So we have that to look forward to.

I don’t know how to stop this. I don’t know if there is a way to stop this. But whatever you guys do in the next half hour, think about it. Think about it a lot.