Zombie Beach Party
a short play
by William M. Razavi
Lights. A warehouse-like theatre space. Music. Enter Jimmy the Cameraman.
He looks around for a while planning camera angles, setting up a tripod. He opens up some sort of wheeled crate. He peers in suspiciously. He sees nothing. He closes the crate and walks away. After a moment he goes back to the crate and peers in. As he does so something inside the crate pulls him into the crate. He struggles, but it is useless. He falls into the crate and the lid shuts over him as he screams.
After a moment Gwyn and Lulu Fabula enter. Gwyn is a producer, and is dressed for business. Lulu Fabula is the host of a semi-popular music show.
LULU FABULA: This is a dump.
GWYN: It’s perfect.
LULU FABULA: It’s freezing in here. This is supposed to be a spring break beach party.
GWYN: I know what it’s supposed to be. I’m the producer.
LULU FABULA: This is worse than the show at the oil refinery.
GWYN: That was a good show.
LULU FABULA: Our band was covered in soot.
GWYN: It gave them a gritty look.
LULU FABULA: It gave the drummer lung cancer.
GWYN: The law said that couldn’t be definitively proved. Just practice your intro.
LULU FABULA: Live, from Port Guarancha–is this Texas or Louisiana?
GWYN: I think it’s Texas.
LULU FABULA: Live, from Port Guarancha, Texas I’m Lulu Fabula and this is MTV Spring Break Warehouse Live!
How was that?
GWYN: It was alright. Where’s Jimmy?
LULU FABULA: Who’s Jimmy?
GWYN: Jimmy the cameraman. He’s been with this show for four years.
LULU FABULA: Who cares?
GWYN: If Jimmy isn’t here, we don’t have a show.
Lia enters.
LIA: I’m Lia, where’s the show, yo?
GWYN: Are you the dancer?
LIA: I got the moves. Where do you want ‘em?
GWYN: Right here is fine.
LIA: Nice place. Where’s the band?
GWYN: We don’t have a band. This week’s music is all done by satellite feed.
LULU FABULA: I’m Lulu Fabula and this is the Spring Break Warehouse Jamathon!
LIA: Who’s she?
LULU FABULA: I’m Lulu Fabula, are you ready for some hot spring break action?
GWYN: That’s our host.
LIA: Whatever. Where can I practice my moves?
GWYN: Anywhere. See if you can find our cameraman.
LIA: You mean Jimmy?
GWYN: You know Jimmy?
LIA: Everyone knows Jimmy. He’s the best part of this show.
LULU FABULA: I’m Lulu Fabula, and I’m ready to rock you!
LIA: Yo, where’s the music feed?
GWYN: It should be set up right over there.
LIA: Thanks. Mind if I pump it up?
GWYN: No, go ahead.
Music. Lia starts practicing some dance moves with the music.
LULU FABULA: Can you turn up the heat?
GWYN: There is no heat. Suck it up.
LULU FABULA: I thought sucking things up was your job.
GWYN: You’re fired.
LULU FABULA: What?
GWYN: You’re fired. How do you like that?
LULU FABULA: You have a show that starts in a few minutes and you’re firing me? You don’t mean it.
GWYN: Hey Lia!
LIA: Yeah?
GWYN: You want to host a show?
LIA: Sure.
GWYN: Good. See you later, Lulu Fabula.
Gwyn exits.
LULU FABULA: Alright. We’ll see about that.
Lulu stands around for a while.
LULU FABULA: Alright, we’ll renegotiate!
Lulu exits. Lia is still practicing moves. Cindy enters.
CINDY: Hi, I’m Cindy? I’m the extra?
LIA: Extra what?
CINDY: Umm…they didn’t tell me?
LIA: The producer’s outside.
CINDY: Thanks. I’m Cindy–with a Y.
LIA: Yeah. Cool.
Cindy exits. The music changes to something atrocious.
LIA: What is this shit?
She stops dancing.
LIA: Yo, what happened to the music?
Lia exits. The crate begins to open up. Zombie Jimmy climbs out of the crate.
JIMMY: Brains! Must eat brain!
Jimmy stomps around and exits.
Gwyn, Lulu, Lia and Cindy enter.
GWYN: What’s that smell?
LULU FABULA: Don’t look at me?
LIA: It smells like ass.
CINDY: I kind of like it.
LULU FABULA: I’m sorry, but who the fuck are you?
CINDY: I’m Cindy. Cindy with a Y.
LULU FABULA: C-Y-N-D-I?
CINDY: No, it ends with a Y.
LULU FABULA: I’m sure it does.
GWYN: Let’s hear that music feed.
LIA: Here you go.
They listen for a moment.
LULU FABULA: What is this shit?
LIA: That’s just what I was asking, yo.
CINDY: I kind of like it.
GWYN: We must have a bad satellite hookup. Where’s Jimmy?
There is a growl from offstage.
GWYN: What was that?
LULU FABULA: Maybe it was the catering people.
Another growl followed by a shriek.
LIA: That doesn’t sound like catering, yo.
LULU FABULA: Yo! Will you quit saying yo?
LIA: What’s your hassle?
LULU FABULA: You.
GWYN: Quit your yapping, you two. We need to see what this is all about. There’s safety in numbers, so let’s all go outside.
They creep toward the outside. There is a huge roar. They all scream and run back inside.
LULU FABULA: Okay, what do we do now?
GWYN: Nobody panic.
LIA: There are twenty zombies out there. I’m panicking!
GWYN: Get a hold of yourself. We’ll have to hide. Zombies aren’t bright. It’ll take them a while to get in.
Banging on the walls from the outside.
GWYN: We’ll hide. Then if they get in, we make a break for it.
LULU FABULA: Right.
They all hide. There is some banging. Then Jimmy enters.
JIMMY: Brain!
Jimmy hunts about the seemingly empty space. The others sneak about trying to get away. Finally Jimmy finds them all bunched together. They run outside, he chases them outside slowly. They all run back inside.
LULU FABULA: Well, that was a failure.
LIA: Now what do we do?
GWYN: I have an idea. Lia, you give us a diversion, just get their attention, then we send Cindy outside to get away and get help for us. Do you think you can handle that?
CINDY: Like, yeah?
GWYN: Good. Lia, give us a diversion.
Music. Lia dances. Cindy goes outside.
LULU FABULA: How is she giving us a diversion?
GWYN: She’s not. I figure while the zombies are busy eating Cindy we make a break for it.
LULU FABULA: That’s cold.
GWYN: She’s an extra.
LIA: Can I stop dancing now?
GWYN: Yeah. Alright, they should be taking care of her right now.
LULU FABULA: There’s just one problem.
GWYN: What?
LULU FABULA: If zombies eat brains they’re not going to get much from her.
GWYN: No. We have no time to lose. Let’s go!
Cindy enters with a slightly zombie-ish look and a bit of skull missing or something like that.
CINDY: Like, I’m really hungry. Do you guys have any brains?
Everyone freezes in terror.
GWYN: Run.
LULU FABULA: What?
GWYN: Run!
LIA: Right!
They all make a break for it again. Another chase ensues. Jimmy enters. They run around for a while. Jimmy and Cindy follow the living ones out a door, the living come in through another door and block the first one.
LULU FABULA: Any more bright ideas?
GWYN: We need to think.
They do a classic Marx Bros. thinking walk.
GWYN: Anything?
LIA: Nothing.
LULU FABULA: Right.
More thinking.
GWYN: Aha!
LIA: What?
GWYN: We need to kill the zombies!
LULU FABULA: Brilliant!
GWYN: Right.
They think some more.
GWYN: How do you kill a zombie?
LULU FABULA: Does anyone here know how to kill a zombie?
They look over at the audience, who may or may not have a reaction.
GWYN: We need to sever their heads.
LULU FABULA: Right. Do we have any tools?
They think.
LIA: I have a whisk in my purse.
LULU FABULA: Perfect. We’ll whisk their heads off. You go ahead. We’ll follow.
GWYN: Alright. Lia, you’ll provide a diversion and Lulu can make a break for it and get some help.
LULU FABULA: Okay. Let’s go.
Lulu leaves. She comes back immediately.
LULU FABULA: You think you’re fooling me?
GWYN: It was worth a try.
LULU FABULA: Well, I’m not going out there without the whisk.
GWYN: Oh, right. Give her the whisk.
LIA: Here you go.
LULU FABULA: Thanks. Let’s do this.
Lulu exits. Gwyn checks on her progress.
GWYN: I don’t believe it. She just whisked a zombie’s head off.
Jimmy and Cindy enter. They chase Gwyn. Lia keeps dancing. Lulu enters chasing the zombies with her bloody whisk.
LULU FABULA: Come back here, you brain-eating maggots!
JIMMY: Brain!
The chase goes offstage and comes back on and so on and so on.
LIA: Can I stop dancing?
JIMMY: Brain!
GWYN: Shit. The diversion was actually working?
LULU FABULA: How?
GWYN: Don’t ask hard questions.
LULU FABULA: Let’s get out of here.
GWYN: Good idea.
The living ones skedaddle. They are followed offstage by the zombie pair.
There is a sound of a scuffle offstage. Then some screams and roars and moans.
Finally, Lia, Lulu and Gwyn enter with blood all over them.
LULU FABULA: Well, that was a mess.
GWYN: It’s a shame we had to kill Jimmy.
LULU FABULA: Yeah. Big shame.
LIA: We go on the air in ten seconds.
GWYN: What do we do?
They think for a moment.
LULU FABULA: I have it.
GWYN: What’s your plan?
LULU FABULA: Lia will provide a diversion while the rest of us make a break for it.
GWYN: Good plan. Let’s go for it.
LULU FABULA: Live from Port Guarancha, I’m Lulu Fabula and this is MTV Zombie Beach Party.
Music. Lia starts to dance. The other two make a break for it. Lia keeps on dancing for an absurd amount of time before the lights fade and the cast comes back for the curtain call.