The Ricky Harrow Pitcher Show

a play

by William M. Razavi

Act I

Scene 1

The studio of WHOO a National Public Television station. The studio is set up for a pledge drive. Enter Roger, the program director.

ROGER: Welcome to WHOO—

OFFSTAGE VOICE 1: Oh! Oh! Oh!

OFFSTAGE VOICE 2: Yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ about!

ROGER: I’m really sorry about this.

OFFSTAGE VOICE 1: Tell me where you want it!

OFFSTAGE VOICE 2: Right there!

OFFSTAGE VOICE 1: Oh, yeah!

OFFSTAGE VOICE 2: Faster, faster!

ROGER: I’m really really sorry about this.

OFFSTAGE VOICE 1: Any way you want it!

OFFSTAGE VOICE 2: Slap my ass! Slap my ass!

ROGER: What are you people doing? We’re trying to do a show here!

Enter Lisa and Randy.

RANDY: What? We were just making sandwiches.

LISA: What’s your problem, Roger?

RANDY: Yeah, Roger! What’s your problem?

LISA: I’ll handle this, Randy.

RANDY: Yeah, Randy, she’ll handle this. Wait, I’m Randy.

ROGER: We’re trying to start the show and you two are back there—

LISA: What? We were making a big sandwich.

ROGER: A sandwich?

LISA: Yeah, a sandwich.

ROGER: But what about “tell me where you want it”?

RANDY: I was asking her where she wanted the swiss cheese.

LISA: Some people like it next to the bun, but I like it on top of the meat.

ROGER: But you said “faster, faster”!

LISA: I was starving. I haven’t eaten all day.

ROGER: But “slap my ass”? What does that mean?

LISA: You know, when you’re really really hungry and you have a really really good sandwich and you say something like “slap my ass, that’s a good sandwich” or “slap my ass, that really hit the spot”.

ROGER: Oh.

RANDY: Also, we were having sex.

ROGER: That’s just great. Lisa, you need to get ready to answer the phones.

LISA: Can I finish my sandwich first?

ROGER: Do you mean “sandwich” as in “a sandwich” or do you mean “sandwich” as in “sex”?

LISA: Well…

ROGER: You two really need to get a room.

LISA: My fiancé wouldn’t really approve. He gets jealous.

RANDY: Besides, we had a room.

ROGER: That wasn’t a room. That was more of an area.

LISA: It was sort of like a room.

ROGER: There was a curtain. Rooms have walls, areas have curtains. That was an area, and I’m sure it violated some sort of ethics agreement.

LISA: It’s okay, I’m a volunteer.

RANDY: And I never signed that agreement. I didn’t like the wording, or the color of the paper it was printed on.

ROGER: It was printed on white paper.

RANDY: It hurt my eyes.

ROGER: You two are killing me.

RANDY: Shouldn’t we be starting the show?

ROGER: Yes, we should. Lisa, get ready to answer the phones.

LISA: Right.

Lisa goes to her phone station.

ROGER: I don’t know how you do it.

RANDY: They have videos for that. There’s this great one where the—

ROGER: Please stop now. I mean I don’t know how you…manage…

RANDY: Oh. Well, that’s another set of skills entirely. You have to observe carefully. Everyone’s got something that gets under their skin. I’m a keen student of the human psyche. I know how to figure people out.

ROGER: Really.

RANDY: And sometimes you stumble on a lucky piece of information, like the fact that Lisa has an involuntary response to certain songs.

ROGER: What kind of involuntary response?

RANDY: I’ll show you. Hey, Sound Guy!

SOUND GUY: What do you want?

RANDY: Play something.

Music plays. Lisa begins robotically unbuttoning or unfastening something.

ROGER: Okay, you can stop now. We get the idea.

Music stops.

RANDY: Everybody’s got something. Take your ex, Lila.

ROGER: What about her?

RANDY: She can’t cry for any reason.

ROGER: It’s really more her habit to make other people cry.

RANDY: I found out what can make her cry.

ROGER: I don’t want to know. I don’t care. I don’t want to hear her name again.

RANDY: Total Eclipse of the Heart.

ROGER: What?

RANDY: The throaty voice of Bonnie Tyler is the only thing that can make your ex’s tear ducts moist; must be some sort of emotional memory.

ROGER: You and Lila never—

RANDY: Oh, good God, no! She would have eaten my liver for lunch—and not in the good way.

ROGER: Right.

RANDY: Nobody knows how you managed to keep her from tearing you a new one for all that time.

ROGER: Actually, I think she tore me several new ones. They’re somewhat old ones now.

RANDY: Seriously, you must have been walked over more than the floor tiles at Union Station.

ROGER: Yeah, I suppose—

RANDY: You were whipped like whipped butter. Beaten like beaten eggs. Abused like, abused…eggs…or butter.

ROGER: I appreciate the sympathy but—

RANDY: You must have had some big time reconstructive surgery to get a new backbone put in after she dumped you.

ROGER: Really, I—

Amy enters.

AMY: Roger, I need to talk to you. Your co-host for the pledge drive can’t make it.

ROGER: Why not?

AMY: She has marsupial herpes.

ROGER: She has what?

RANDY: Oh, this is good.

AMY: Marsupial herpes. She was at a fundraiser at the Elwood Park Zoo and got too close to the bandicoot exhibit and they…sprayed her.

ROGER: With herpes?

RANDY: I’m guessing it was with their pees—

ROGER: How bad is it?

AMY: It just looks like a cold sore…or two. Also, she may have picked up a case of German measles from the elephants or the lemurs.

RANDY: I didn’t know they had elephants in Germany.

AMY: It was a long and messy day at the zoo.

ROGER: What are we going to do?

AMY: It’s taken care of. I have a new co-host for you.

ROGER: Amy, you are a lifesaver. Without you, this whole place would fall apart.

AMY: It’s Lila.

ROGER: I hate you, Amy. I hate you…a lot.

AMY: I know it was a bad break-up.

ROGER: She dumped me on my birthday.

AMY: We have to be professional about this.

ROGER: I don’t want to be professional about this.

AMY: I know you have mixed feelings about her.

ROGER: She stabbed my heart with a blunt knife.

AMY: We’re desperate, short of time and Lila is the only person who could step in and co-host a pledge drive on that kind of short notice.

ROGER: But—

AMY: No buts. We need Lila. She’s a professional. Now, I know you loved her and she crushed your heart like a pancake, but shit happens and you have to deal with it. We’ll run a station ID with Nervous Guy and then get this show rolling.

ROGER: Okay.

AMY: Buck up, little camper. Everything will be okay. Nervous Guy! Get over here! You’re up.

Nervous Guy enters. Amy, Roger and Randy exit. Lisa slices a pear and begins to eat it, slowly.

NERVOUS GUY: Welcome to WHOO’s biennial pledge drive. As some of you know, but others of you don’t know, which is why I have to tell you, WHOO is an independent station which depends on you, the viewers and listeners, for the financial support that allows us to purchase the broadcasting rights to quality National Public Television programming like what you will be watching tonight. If you like what you see, or if you don’t like what you see and think we could do better if we had more money, then you should make a contribution today. Lisa will be standing by to take your call.

LISA: Actually, I’m eating a pear right now, so I can’t take any calls until I’m done with this.

NERVOUS GUY: Okay. Lisa will take your calls soon, but in the meantime you can think about how much WHOO means to you and figure out what you want to say when you call Lisa. I know, when I’m trying to talk to girls I get a bit nervous, and I’m sure some of you may be the same way. You could start by talking about the weather we’ve been having. You could say something like, “Boy, that was some weather we had today.” And she might say something else about the way the weather was today. And then you can maybe transition into talking about some of your hobbies and interests. For instance, I like to collect different kinds of socks—

Amy enters.

AMY: Okay, Nervous Guy, we’re ready, so you can go now.

NERVOUS GUY: I was just about to talk to them about the history of tobacco farming in Kentucky. I did a master’s thesis on that.

AMY: Thanks, Nervous Guy, we’ll get back to you on that.

Nervous Guy exits.

AMY: On behalf of WHOO I’d like to welcome you folks in the studio audience and at home to our pledge drive. We’ll be going on the air in just a second, in the meantime I want to encourage you folks to leave your cell phones on in case you want to contribute to our pledge drive. Lisa will be happy to take your call.

LISA: As soon as I’m done with this pear.

AMY: Right. Now, I know many of you folks are excited to see Ricky Harrow—

AGITATORS IN THE CROWD: Ricky Harrow! Ricky Harrow!

AMY: I see we have some fans. Are we ready to go on the air?

SOUND GUY: We’ve been ready for a while now. We’ve been running the color bar for the past fifteen minutes.

AMY: Oh, shit. Well, then here we go. Let’s give a big welcome to our hosts Roger Devries and Lila Vandamme.

Roger and Lila enter with big plastic smiles.

LILA: Your collar’s a little crooked. Here, let me fix that.

ROGER: Thanks. Welcome to WHOO’s pledge drive. I’m Roger Devries and this is my…lovely cohost Lila Vandamme.

LILA: Thank you, Roger. We have some exciting programming for you folks tonight and a special treat for all fans of National Public Television. I know the studio audience here is chomping at the bit in anticipation.

ROGER: They are chomping and we all know what their teeth are gnashing about.

LILA: That’s right Roger. It’s all about The Ricky Harrow Pitcher Show—

AGITATORS: Ricky Harrow! Ricky Harrow!

LILA: They’re wetting themselves with glee.

ROGER: Good thing we don’t have absorbent seat cushions.

LILA: I’ll have to admit that I understand their moisture. Ricky Harrow—

AGITATORS: Ricky Harrow! Ricky Harrow!

LILA: Ricky Harrow is the most exciting person I’ve ever met.

ROGER: Really?

LILA: I mean it. When I see Ricky Harrow I get a throbbing sensation all over my body and my heart pounds in my chest. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Thump-thump.

ROGER: Okay—

LISA: I know what you mean. The Ricky Harrow Pitcher Show knocks me right off my feet and just slaps me silly. Whack, whack, whack.

AMY: It’s more like a punch right in the gut for me. Bam…bam…bam. But it feels so good.

LISA: So good.

LILA: So, so good.

Music starts. Lisa starts unbuttoning something.

ROGER: Cut that out!

RANDY: Aw, come on. I paid the Sound Guy five bucks for that.

SOUND GUY: I’ll let you have that one for $2.50.

RANDY: Thanks.

ROGER: So, how many Ricky Harrow virgins do we have here? Well, Amy will be back later to help guide you through the show for the first time. But in the meantime we’re going to show you what WHOO is all about. What is WHOO all about, Lila?

LILA: It’s about quality programming that educates, entertains, informs and stimulates…people…and their brains.

ROGER: That’s right, Lila. And now a show that never fails to stimulate my brain: Quasar, the show that gives scientific inquiry a new name.

LILA: And that name is Quasar.

Scene 2: Quasar

The Quasar theme plays. Dick Montana, the gruff host of Quasar enters like some sort of pseudo-Hemingway tough guy.

DICK MONTANA: Welcome to this special edition of Quasar. I’m your host, Dick Montana. Don’t get too excited. I don’t like it when people get too excited.

Tonight on Quasar we’re going to be looking at the cold hard steely facts of stellar astronomy. We’re going to take the universe by its metaphorical horns and peer into its cold hard steely eyes. We’re going to do this because we’re men—except for those of us who are women, who will do this for some other reason which I’m sure is equally valid but I wouldn’t know about it because I’m a man.

Nergle enters.

NERGLE: You left your pocket protector in the dressing room.

DICK MONTANA: I told you, it’s a pen sheath.

NERGLE: Sheath. Yeah. Whatever you say, Dick.

DICK MONTANA: I don’t like your tone, Nergle.

NERGLE: I know. You told me last year at the company sweat-lodge retreat.

You really opened up. I was touched.

DICK MONTANA: Get out.

Nergle gets out.

DICK MONTANA: Tonight on Quasar we’re going to unlock the mystery of dark matter. We’re going to unlock this mystery because that’s what we do. Now, dark matter is tricky because it’s dark, so dark that we scientists can only speculate about its very existence. It may not even exist, but someday we’ll know for sure, because that’s what we do. Now, to help you understand the different theories about dark matter we’ve constructed a computer model.

SOUND GUY: No, we haven’t.

DICK MONTANA: What?

SOUND GUY: The computer effects aren’t working.

DICK MONTANA: Nergle!

Nergle enters.

DICK MONTANA: Where’s our computer model?

NERGLE: It’s not working.

DICK MONTANA: How am I supposed to explain dark matter when we can’t show them the computer model?

NERGLE: You’re the scientist.

DICK MONTANA: You’re telling me we have no cgi.

NERGLE: That’s what I’m telling you. Because that’s what I do.

DICK MONTANA: Well, now what do we do? We had this great computer illustration of how we can perceive dark matter.

NERGLE: Well, how about this?

Nergle whispers something to Dick.

DICK MONTANA: You’ve got to be kidding me.

NERGLE: You have a better idea?

DICK MONTANA: Just do it.

NERGLE: Now it’s time on Quasar for the interactive portion of our show. We invite you folks at home and in the studio audience here to join us as we interactively demonstrate the latest theories about dark matter in the universe.

DICK MONTANA: Because that’s what we do.

NERGLE: Dark matter is imperceptible, which presents an essential problem. How do you perceive the imperceptible?

DICK MONTANA: In other words, how do you see something that can’t be seen?

NERGLE: Or may not even be there. The answer is quite simple.

DICK MONTANA: In order to see dark matter we use our unseen perception.

NERGLE: That means we have to close our eyes. What do you see?

DICK MONTANA: Is it dark?

NERGLE: Now, be sure to keep your eyes closed. This is the only way you can understand how dark matter works.

Nergle and Dick run away.

Scene 3

Continued.

LISA: Can we open our eyes?

ROGER: Did they just run away?

RANDY: Yeah, they ran away.

ROGER: Crap.

AMY: Did the Quasar people just run away?

RANDY: Yeah.

AMY: Crap.

ROGER: What do we do?

LILA: Why aren’t we watching Quasar?

RANDY: They ran away.

LILA: Dick Montana would never run away.

AMY: Then he walked away—real fast.

LILA: That bastard.

ROGER: What do we do?

LILA: We’re going to have to put on the exercise show to buy us some time.

NERVOUS GUY: Umm, Lisa.

LISA: What?

NERVOUS GUY: Your fiancé’s here.

RANDY: Holy crapfingers, I’m in trouble.

LISA: That’s impossible, my fiancé is in Dubai or Djibouti or Denmark. Something with a D.

NERVOUS GUY: Well, there’s some guy here who wants to see you.

RANDY: I should hide.

LISA: Well, it must be my boyfriend.

ROGER: I thought you were engaged.

LISA: I am. My boyfriend and I have been together since high school, but I met my fiancé in college.

RANDY: I should really hide, but I’m confused.

ROGER: We’re all confused by this one.

LISA: I have commitment issues.

AMY: Seems like you have over-commitment issues.

LISA: I guess that’s another way to say it.

LILA: You got engaged without breaking up with your other boyfriend?

LISA: No, of course not! That would be horrible. Though, I guess now that I think about it, that is what sort of happened…but not on purpose. I don’t like to hurt people. And I do like them both. Like I said, I have commitment issues.

LILA: You just don’t know how to end anything.

ROGER: Talk to her, she knows how to do it.

LILA: You’re still bitter.

ROGER: Like a bucket of shark liver oil.

LILA: You need to get over me.

ROGER: I’d like to.

LILA: And you, you need to learn how to break up with people, otherwise you’re going to have the world’s worst wedding.

NERVOUS GUY: So, should we bring on the exercise show?

ROGER: Do it.

AMY: Welcome back to WHOO! We hope you enjoyed that special interactive edition of Quasar. You can open your eyes now. Yeah, you probably could have done that a couple of minutes ago.

LILA: We have a special treat for those of you who tune in every weekday morning to start your day, because we have in our studio tonight the folks who start your workdays right with exercise. Isn’t that right, Roger?

ROGER: That’s right, Lila. I know I like to get up first thing in the morning and get some exercise before I get to work it helps clear my mind.

LILA: Or it would, if you ever actually did that, Roger.

ROGER: Why….why don’t you remind our viewers as well as our studio audience that our phone lines—

LISA: It’s just me tonight.

ROGER: Our phone line…is open so you can call anytime with a pledge. Please.

LILA: And now, from Berlin comes that terrific techno-cising trio, Das Grindhaus!

Scene 4: Das Grindhaus

Lights. Extremely fast techno music (or musik). A trio of dancers bounces around with alarming speed. They exit as rapidly as they came on in a blur of stroke-inducing movement.

Scene 5

Continued.

LILA: Those people are on some serious drugs.

ROGER: No, they’re just really healthy and energized…because they exercise.

LILA: That’s not exercise, that’s just madness.

ROGER: You shouldn’t go jumping to conclusions.

Amy enters.

AMY: Are we talking about those German powder hounds?

ROGER: They’re just heart-healthy!

Lisa’s phone rings.

LISA: W-H-O-O! Oh, hi. Yeah, I saw them. Oh, yeah, they’re totally coked up.

ROGER: They don’t use drugs!

Randy enters.

RANDY: Sure they do. I just saw them backstage popping a bunch of red, white and blue pills and then cramming their faces full of donuts. Those Germans are insane.

AMY: We have donuts?

RANDY: We had donuts. We don’t have them anymore.

ROGER: Maybe they were just taking vitamins.

LILA: What vitamins do you know that go with donuts?

ROGER: Why must you always be right?

LILA: Because I am, now introduce the next show and don’t forget to tell them that our phone line is open.

LISA: I’m open.

LILA: We know.

ROGER: Our next show is an excerpt from Masterpiece Playhouse’s award-winning 78 part series based on Lindsley Ashtrom’s beloved novel, The Flawless Sebastians.

LILA: In this scene the family patriarch, Edward Sebastian has discovered that his wife, Lydia Sebastian, who has been having a love affair with the groundskeeper of Sebastian Manor, has lost one of Edward’s prize collectible spoons.

ROGER: Meanwhile, Lydia suspects that Edward’s nephew Fairfax Sebastian is actually his long lost illegitimate son Radcliffe and that Edward has been carrying on with the servant Delphine.

LILA: And now, The Flawless Sebastians, part 31.

AMY: And don’t forget that our phone line is open.

LISA: I’m open.

Lisa’s phone rings.

Scene 6: The Flawless Sebastians

EDWARD: Lydia?

LYDIA: Yes, Edward.

EDWARD: I wanted to speak with you.

LYDIA: Speak, then, Edward.

EDWARD: Well, it’s about…

LYDIA: Yes?

EDWARD: I don’t want to…

LYDIA: Don’t you?

EDWARD: I don’t know.

LYDIA: You don’t, do you?

EDWARD: I’m afraid I don’t.

LYDIA: I’m afraid you do.

EDWARD: It’s just that—

LYDIA: Yes?

EDWARD: Nothing.

LYDIA: Surely, it’s something.

EDWARD: No, not at all, it’s nothing, really.

LYDIA: And yet, it is something, really, isn’t it? Isn’t that right, Edward?

EDWARD: You’re very perceptive, Lydia, I do admire that. I suppose there is something.

LYDIA: Yes?

EDWARD: It’s just that, I appear to be—and mind you, it may not be the case but it appears to be so—I appear to be missing my favorite spoon.

LYDIA: Which spoon?

EDWARD: The one with—you know—the…and the…and it was shaped like…well, you know.

LYDIA: A spoon?

EDWARD: Precisely.

LYDIA: Your spoon is missing.

EDWARD: I am missing my spoon.

LYDIA: This is the height of tragedy, Edward.

EDWARD: It was my favorite spoon. It’s been in the Sebastian family since Richard Plantagenet gave it to Lord Geoffrey Sebastian in Anjou.

LYDIA: Yes, it’s a very old spoon.

EDWARD: Quite.

LYDIA: And now, it’s missing.

EDWARD: Gone.

LYDIA: Misplaced, perhaps?

EDWARD: Maybe even…well, you know.

LYDIA: Stolen? Surely not.

EDWARD: I thought to ask the William the Groundskeeper—

LYDIA: Yes?

EDWARD: He did seem rather shifty.

LYDIA: Surely you don’t think—

EDWARD: No, of course not…and yet…

LYDIA: Yes?

EDWARD: I had the feeling he was hiding something.

LYDIA: I shouldn’t think so. He’s very…upright.

EDWARD: Yes, but still.

LYDIA: William is much too…upright…to sneak anywhere.

EDWARD: Yes, he does seem to have a quite noble posture.

LYDIA: Oh, yes. I’ve never known a man with such noble…rigidity.

EDWARD: For a groundskeeper, you mean.

LYDIA: Of course. What else would I mean?

EDWARD: After all, the Sebastians are known for their…posture.

LYDIA: Quite. And yet—

EDWARD: Yet?

LYDIA: Nothing.

EDWARD: Ah, yes.

LYDIA: Perhaps Delphine has it?

EDWARD: I shouldn’t think so.

LYDIA: How can you be sure?

EDWARD: I just don’t think she could be that—

LYDIA: Deceitful?

EDWARD: Yes. She’s quite…open.

LYDIA: Oh, I’m sure she is…open. Very open.

EDWARD: Quite. I’ve never known someone so…open.

LYDIA: Well, chambermaids are usually more…open than women of quality.

EDWARD: Some women of quality.

LYDIA: Some?

EDWARD: Oh, you are quite right. Most women of quality are like…the Ashmolean Library—closed to all but the most serious researchers. But there are some who seem to be quite responsive—

LYDIA: Responsive.

EDWARD: Quite. For instance—

LYDIA: Yes?

EDWARD: Nothing.

LYDIA: Oh.

EDWARD: I’ve noticed the garden needs trimming. I should have a talk with William about trimming the hedges.

LYDIA: The hedges are fine.

EDWARD: You don’t think they need clipping?

LYDIA: They’re quite well clipped.

EDWARD: Perhaps he can prune the willow trees.

LYDIA: Do willows need pruning?

EDWARD: I suppose it depends on the type of willow: weeping, no; pussy, yes—or the other way around.

LYDIA: Yes, I suppose. Do we have more than one kind on the grounds? I’ve only ever seen the weeping.

EDWARD: We have the pussy as well, down by the brook. I should have thought you’d notice them on your trips around the grounds.

LYDIA: I don’t really pay much attention to the shrubbery. I prefer the wildlife.

EDWARD: Yes, quite. Badgers, mostly. The badger is featured on the Sebastian crest.

LYDIA: I thought it was a beaver.

EDWARD: It’s a badger.

LYDIA: Oh. How…clever.

EDWARD: Quite.

LYDIA: And birds.

EDWARD: Yes, birds.

LYDIA: William knows everything about birds. It’s fascinating.

EDWARD: Quite.

LYDIA: I’ve noticed the chambers are a bit dusty. Perhaps Delphine could sweep the east hall.

EDWARD: The east hall is quite…flawless, really.

LYDIA: Flawless? Really?

EDWARD: I have no reason to complain. It’s as well…swept…as I’ve ever seen it.

LYDIA: I’m sure it is.

EDWARD: Yes.

Fairfax enters.

FAIRFAX: Oh. Uncle Edward.

EDWARD: Fairfax.

LYDIA: How lovely to see you.

FAIRFAX: Aunt Lydia. I hope I’m not interrupting.

LYDIA: No, we were just speaking of the willow trees.

FAIRFAX: Yes, the pussies could use a trim.

LYDIA: Do you think so?

FAIRFAX: Yes. Otherwise they get out of hand.

EDWARD: Quite.

LYDIA: Quite.

EDWARD: Yes. Of course.

FAIRFAX: Yes, quite. Uncle Edward, I believe this spoon belongs to you.

EDWARD: Yes, it does. It’s my favorite spoon.

FAIRFAX: It’s a good spoon.

EDWARD: It was given to Lord Geoffrey Sebastian by Richard Plantagenet, for services rendered, and also for soup.

FAIRFAX: Of course. It does look old.

LYDIA: Where did you find it?

FAIRFAX: It was in the groundskeeper’s cabin.

EDWARD: Really? I wonder how it got there.

LYDIA: Why were you in the groundskeeper’s cabin?

FAIRFAX: If you must know, I was there engaged in several acts of depraved sexual behavior with the chambermaid, Delphine.

EDWARD: Oh.

LYDIA: Oh.

FAIRFAX: Well, there’s your spoon.

EDWARD: Yes, there it is.

LYDIA: Of course.

Fairfax exits.

EDWARD: I should—

LYDIA: Yes?

EDWARD: It’s nothing, really.

LYDIA: Of course.

EDWARD: Yes, nothing.

Lights.

Scene 7

Continued.

ROGER: Well, revelations abound. What will happen next? You’ll have to tune in to WHOO to follow this critically acclaimed series.

LILA: And don’t forget to call in with those pledges, because we depend on those pledges.

ROGER: We really do. A high quality show like The Flawless Sebastians costs a lot of money and without your memberships and the generous support of corporate sponsors and charitable foundations we wouldn’t be able to continue providing you folks at home with these great shows.

LILA: Nervous Guy, why don’t you tell our viewers about how much these shows cost.

NERVOUS GUY: Every episode of The Flawless Sebastians costs us $221 for licensing fees. Every episode of The Rick & Bob Report costs us $50 cash and $20 in jerky. Every episode of Monkey, Monkey, Where’s the Monkey? costs us $6,486 dollars.

ROGER: That’s a lot of money.

LILA: So, you can see that we need your contributions.

ROGER: Believe me, if we could pay them with soup we would.

RANDY: Like we used to do with Soupy Johansson and his Average Sized Band.

LILA: We’ll miss you, Soupy. Rest in peace.

Lisa’s phone rings.

LILA: We have a caller.

LISA: WHOO. Oh, hi. Yeah. No, he hasn’t been on yet. No. No. Get out!

ROGER: Be sure to tell them about all our options for membership.

LISA: Hang on a second—

ROGER: What?

LISA: It’s my mother. She wants to know if she can mail her underwear to Ricky Harrow.

ROGER: No!

AMY: Actually, there’s an address they can send their underwear to and we’re going to put it up on the screen now and for those of you in the studio audience who didn’t bring underwear to throw we will have that address for you as well.

LISA: Yeah. You can mail it to him. I don’t know what color he’d like. Just pick out something nice. No, I haven’t broken up with him. No, not with him either. Okay, bye.

LILA: Maybe this is the time for us to help our Ricky Harrow virgins get to know how the Ricky Harrow Pitcher Show works.

AMY: Thank you, Lila. Here’s how it works: you bring a vase, a container, an amphora or better yet, a pitcher to be appraised by Ricky. If he says “amphora” you say “what fora?” If someone has a tea-kettle and Ricky touches it anyone wearing blue has to get up and say “I’m a little tea-pot, short and stout!” Everyone wearing white has to say “steamy!” If Ricky touches a pitcher or a vase everyone wearing black says—

RANDY: Nice curves.

AMY: And when Ricky is about to make an appraisal you can throw any underwear or pastry you have toward him and say—

LISA: Ooh! Give me some value.

AMY: And if you’re wearing read you can get up and say “give me more.” Also, when Ricky asks someone how old their pot is anyone can say—

RANDY: Old enough for you.

AMY: And if you have any jelly beans, that’s when you can toss them at the person sitting next to you. Then, don’t forget that the first person to recite the entirety of Keats’ “Ode on a Grecian Urn” every show will get a gift certificate for two to the Clam Hut as well as an extra large tube of Johnston’s Fluid Beef and a family sized bucket of Johnston’s Rendered Fat Drippings.

LILA: Mm-mm, good.

AMY: So if you have something you want appraised by Ricky Harrow—whether it’s a pair of pitchers—

LILA: Or a couple of jugs—

AMY: Or a set of antique Mason jars—

LILA: Or anything you want evaluated—

LISA: Oooh! Give me some value.

AMY: The Ricky Harrow Pitcher Show is the place to bring it and if you bring it, you will be judged. And don’t just take our word for it—

LILA: Even though that should be more than enough for you.

AMY: Here’s a testimonial from Eleanor, the star of Cooking Food with Eleanor and the author of the best-selling Huguenot Cuisine Cookbook.

ELEANOR: I took a set of rare 1979 Star Wars Dixie Cups to the Ricky Harrow Pitcher Show and he told me that because of their ephemeral nature, like life itself, they would one day disappear, but their value, like love, is in making the most of them while you have them.

AMY: Wow. That’s amazing.

ELEANOR: And then he kissed me.

AMY: No!

ELEANOR: It was amazing…and yet, ephemeral.

AMY: I’ll bet it was.

ELEANOR: It was. I should go now…and check on how those pies are coming along.

LILA: Well…Eleanor will be back with us later to cook up some delicious tasty treats. Now as we prepare to take a station break I invite all of our viewers to call in with your pledges. Your contributions help us create quality programming like the The Rick & Bob Report and This Decrepit House. So please, please, keep the money flowing.

RANDY: And, we’re out.

ROGER: Good work, folks. Where’d Eleanor go?

LILA: She’s checking on her pies.

ROGER: Good. Well, let’s set up for The Rick & Bob Report and Randy, see if you can track down Dick and Nergle.

RANDY: I saw them sneaking around earlier.

ROGER: Find them. They’re on live right after Rick & Bob. Use a bottle of bourbon as a lure if you have to.

LILA: Dick would never fall for that.

Dick Montana enters.

DICK MONTANA: I smelled some bourbon.

LILA: There’s no bourbon here, Dick.

DICK MONTANA: Someone mention bourbon?

ROGER: Maybe.

DICK MONTANA: Thought so.

Dick Montana exits.

LILA: I don’t want to hear it. And wipe that smug look off your face. I’ll be in my dressing room.

Lila exits.

ROGER: Isn’t she something?

AMY: She’s something.

ROGER: Do you ever wish you could remember what it was like when everything was new? Like the excitement you felt when you thought anything was possible?

AMY: Anything is possible. You just have to know where to look for it. Sometimes it can be right in front of you and you don’t even notice.

ROGER: Yeah. But do you ever wish you could just feel the way you used to—even for a moment? Just to have that excitement again?

AMY: It’s tempting. But then, if the past was all that, it wouldn’t be the past.

ROGER: Maybe.

The Sound Guy starts playing Total Eclipse of the Heart.

ROGER: Oh, come on, knock it off!

SOUND GUY: What? I thought you were having a moment.

ROGER: I only said I thought I may have remembered what it was like to feel like I used to feel like before all my hopes and dreams were crushed.

SOUND GUY: So, you didn’t want the song?

ROGER: No. I don’t need the song.

AMY: Roger, I—

ROGER: I should go help Randy wrangle Dick’s crew back here before he runs out of bourbon.

AMY: Right. Go ahead.

Roger exits. Lisa’s phone rings.

LISA: WHOO. Oh, hi! I know. I know. I know. I know. No. I know. Of course not. You know I’d never do that. That either. No, I wouldn’t. No, never. Not with him, no. Of course not. No, never. Okay, love you. No, you hang up. No, you go first. No, you—

Jimmy the Boyfriend enters.

LISA: Alight, gotta go! Jimmy!

JIMMY: Lisa.

LISA: Jimmy, what are you doing here?

JIMMY: I just wanted to check up on you. And I brought you these flowers.

LISA: They’re…lovely. Really. You know, Jimmy, I have to answer the phones right now and can’t—

RANDY: It’s alright. I’ve got you covered.

LISA: Oh, thanks—

RANDY: Randy. You can call me Randy.

LISA: I’m pleased to…meet you? Randy?

RANDY: Yeah.

Lisa and Jimmy exit.

AMY: Don’t you ever get jealous?

RANDY: The way I see it, the boyfriend and the fiancé cancel each other out. I can’t be jealous about either of them and I can’t feel that guilty about it, either.

AMY: You know she’s never broken up with anyone, right?

RANDY: Yeah, well, there’s a first time for everything.

AMY: You hold on to that thought.

RANDY: Dare to dream.

They exit.

Scene 8: The Rick & Bob Report

ZELDA: We go on in just a second. Is there anything else you need, Doctor Enderby?

ENDERBY: No, I think I’m all set. Do you know what kind of questions they’ll be asking?

ZELDA: I have no idea. They’re completely undpredictable.

ENDERBY: Oh.

ZELDA: Don’t worry, they’ll be very polite. And they like bugs, so they’ll love having an entomologist on the show. Would you like some jerky?

ENDERBY: Ummm, no. That’s alright.

ZELDA: It’s elk; a bit tough on the teeth, but really good for you.

ENDERBY: I probably shouldn’t.

ZELDA: Alright. Places everyone.

Rick and Bob hurry to their chairs. Lights. The theme plays for an interminable amount of time while Rick and Bob jab each other nervously and point to J.P Enderby, who becomes somewhat uncomfortable by the extended sequence.

RICK: Welcome to the Rick and Bob Report, I’m Rick.

BOB: And I’m Bob.

The theme plays again. Another uncomfortable sequence.

RICK: Welcome back to the Rick and Bob Report. Tonight we’ll be talking with noted Entomologist J.P Enderby. Welcome to the Rick and Bob Report, Dr. Enderby.

ENDERBY: Thank you, Rick.

A long uncomfortable pause.

ENDERBY: And Bob.

Another pause.

BOB: You’re pretty.

ENDERBY: Thanks.

Another pause.

BOB: Do you want some jerky?

ENDERBY: Uh, no.

BOB: It’s good jerky.

ENDERBY: I’m sure it is.

RICK: We have plenty. We’re not going to run out.

BOB: You’re pretty.

ENDERBY: Thanks…again.

RICK: Well, that’s all the time we have for The Rick and Bob Report, join us next time as we talk about portable plumbing and other plumbing accessories. I’m Rick.

BOB: You’re pretty.

RICK: And he’s Bob.

The theme plays again. Lights. The show winds down.

ENDERBY: What was that?

ZELDA: That’s a wrap. Good show boys, good show. You want some jerky?

Rick and Bob exit.

ENDERBY: I’m not sure what just happened.

ZELDA: Don’t take it personally. Bob seemed to like you.

ENDERBY: I gathered that much.

Scene 9: Quasar II, Supercollider Boogaloo

DICK MONTANA: Come on over here and have a shot of this fine Kentucky bourbon with me and we can talk about hard science.

ENDERBY: You think you can talk about hard science with me?

DICK MONTANA: I know it.

ENDERBY: You’re on, Montana.

DICK MONTANA: Give me a shot.

ENDERBY: Alright.

DICK MONTANA: You can really taste the corn.

ENDERBY: The barrels weren’t oak.

DICK MONTANA: Maple.

ENDERBY: It was the last corn of its season, late summer of 2000. Not a bad year, but not as good as the first corn of 1998. That was a sweeter year.

DICK MONTANA: I know. Can’t expect much from bait bourbon.

NERGLE: I’m surprised they didn’t just leave a trail of rubbing alcohol.

DICK MONTANA: That reminds me of a great story. I was in Bangkok with Barry Sadler and we had the best wood alcohol in Southeast Asia. You could really feel your rods and cones ceasing to function.

ENDERBY: You drank yourself blind.

DICK MONTANA: A bit of temporary blindness never hurt anyone…so long as it’s temporary. The thrill is in not knowing whether it’s gonna be temporary.

DICK MONTANA: You’re insane.

NERGLE: You think he’s crazy, you should see those Germans backstage. They give a new meaning to the words “powdered donut.”

SOUND GUY: Are you guys planning on doing your show or not?

DICK MONTANA: We’ll do this show when we’re good and ready.

SOUND GUY: Because in another second I’ll just replace you guys with an episode of Monkey, Monkey, Where’s the Monkey? or the Peter, Paul and Mary Veteran’s Day Concert.

DICK MONTANA: Welcome back to Quasar, the first name in science, or at least the first name in science after Dick Montana. Tonight we’ll be having a panel discussion of scientific issues. That means we’ll be talking about science, which may not be as good as doing science, but you can think of it as science foreplay.

NERGLE: I don’t want to think of it that way.

DICK MONTANA: Nobody cares what you want, Nergle.

LENNY: I care.

NERGLE: Then why am I on this panel?

DICK MONTANA: Because we couldn’t fit Stephen Hawking’s chair through the door.

Our guests tonight are noted entomologist J.P. Enderby, not Stephen Hawking, and National Public Television’s Lenny the Mastodon.

LENNY: Hello, boys and girls.

DICK MONTANA: You may remember that Lenny was the host of the Lenny the Mastodon and friends show until it got cancelled last year after a few congressmen protested it.

LENNY: They said I liked boy mastodons, but actually I like girl mastodons. Like you. I like you. You’re pretty.

ENDERBY: What is it with you people?

NERGLE: You realize you’re not a mastodon, right?

DICK MONTANA: Our first topic is evolution.

NERGLE: I like it.

DICK MONTANA: Doctor Enderby?

ENDERBY: Evolution is good.

LENNY: I like evolution.

DICK MONTANA: Evolution is good. Next topic: global warming.

LENNY: Lenny prefers cold weather and snuggling.

DICK MONTANA: Back off, Lenny. Nergle?

NERGLE: Global warming is awkward.

DICK MONTANA: So, you think it’s like global puberty or global menopause?

NERGLE: I don’t know, how about global rheumatism.

LENNY: Can you spell rheumatism, kids?

DICK MONTANA: There aren’t any kids watching this show, you creepy mastodon. It’s a show about science and science is for men and mostly mannish women.

Enderby coughs loudly.

DICK MONTANA: Present company excepted, of course.

NERGLE: You’re a horrible horrible man, Dick Montana.

LENNY: Lenny prefers to be sensitive.

DICK MONTANA: Lenny should shut his mastodon trap and you need to remember who can fire you.

NERGLE: You’re a great great man, Dick Montana.

DICK MONTANA: Global warming, what do you think, J.P.?

ENDERBY: It’s potentially terrible, but unpredictable, and possibly man-made.

DICK MONTANA: Yeah, I suppose if we all lived in the middle of nowhere and took craps in the woods there’d be no global warming. Next up, black holes, what do you think?

NERGLE: They’re great.

LENNY: I like them.

ENDERBY: Sure.

DICK MONTANA: They’re magnificent. Next up, the super-collider: good idea or pile of crap?

ENDERBY: Good idea, theoretically.

LENNY: I agree with the lady mastodon.

ENDERBY: I’m not a mastodon.

NERGLE: It’s a good idea.

DICK MONTANA: Colossal pile of crap. Next up: volcanoes.

ENDERBY: They’re great.

NERGLE: I find them incredibly erotic. Incredibly erotic.

DICK MONTANA: Yeah, we heard you the first time.

LENNY: Volcanoes are very explosive. Can you say explosive?

DICK MONTANA: Can you say frack off?

LENNY: Oh, you said a bad word.

DICK MONTANA: You think that was bad, I’ve got seven more for you. Bees, what’s going on with them?

ENDERBY: Well, many bees are suffering from hive collapse disorder.

LENNY: Lenny thinks if you were a bee, you would be his queen.

ENDERBY: That’s sweet, really. Is Lenny a bit slow?

DICK MONTANA: More than a bit. Finally, science in schools, how about it?

ENDERBY: Science in schools would be a good thing.

NERGLE: Yeah, it’s good.

LENNY: Lenny agrees.

DICK MONTANA: There you have it, science is good for schools. Join us next time on Quasar as we study the king cobra and we’ll have a live snake right here in the studios.

NERGLE: Good God, he’s gonna kill us all.

DICK MONTANA: Don’t miss it, unless you’re afraid.

Lights.

Scene 10: Mystery Presents…The Narcoleptic Detective

LILA: Where’s Dick?

AMY: I think he just went off with that entomologist to finish off that bourbon.

LILA: He didn’t.

RANDY: He did.

LISA: It’s true. I saw them.

LILA: Why that no good—

AMY: Do you mean—

LILA: Do I mean what?

AMY: Nothing. I just thought.

RANDY: Shouldn’t you be showing some emotion.

LILA: I am. It’s called anger. Do you want to see some more?

RANDY: I just thought that maybe you’d want to—

LILA: I don’t cry. I’m not some cheap melodramatic floozie. No offense, to you guys—

The mystery theatre folks shrug.

LILA: Let’s get on with this show.

AMY: Okay.

LILA: As you know, National Public Television has been bringing you fine programming for many years and we pride ourselves on providing our viewers with the finest shows that their contributions can buy. Shows like, The Amazing Dr. Orloff, Fun with Test Tubes, award winning documentary filmmaker Jacob Beesley’s ten part series on the history of the song Heart and Soul and who can forget such fan favorites as the Norbert the Squirrel Show and that favorite ancient Greek comedy, Akropolis Now. Keeping pace with those shows is Mystery, which presents the return of one of our favorites, The Narcoleptic Detective. And now, Mystery presents…The Narcoleptic Detective.

Two detectives enter.

ROSSENCRAST: It looks like a murder.

GILDERSTONE: Yes, it does appear to be a murder victim.

ROSSENCRAST: It’s quite shocking, you know.

GILDERSTONE: Yes. First crime scene, then?

ROSSENCRAST: Yes. How did you know?

GILDERSTONE: You seem out of sorts. Try not to vomit on the body.

ROSSENCRAST: Why would I do—

GILDERSTONE: That’s why.

ROSSENCRAST: Good thing I didn’t have waffles this morning.

GILDERSTONE: Yes, quite. You should always wait until after the first call of the day. Usually want to avoid something that reminds you of the scene. In this case, I would say we’re not going to be having kung pao chicken or lentil soup.

ROSSENCRAST: I can see the lentil soup, but why not kung pao chicken?

GILDERSTONE: It’s in her take home container over there. Won’t be able to keep any of that down for at least a fortnight.

ROSSENCRAST: I suppose not. It just doesn’t make sense.

GILDERSTONE: D.C. Wollstonecraft will be here soon and can make sense of it all.

ROSSENCRAST: D.C. Wollstonecraft? Any good?

GILDERSTONE: Best DC in the Midlands. Except for the one problem—

WOLLSTONECRAFT: Right-o, chaps. What do we have here?

ROSSENCRAST: Well, it’s a—

Wollstonecraft falls asleep.

WOLLSTONECRAFT: Right-o, chaps. What do we have here?

ROSSENCRAST: Well, there seems to be a—

GILDERSTONE: Wait for it.

Wollstonecraft falls asleep.

ROSSENCRAST: This is exasperating. How can this be the best DC in the Midlands?

GILDERSTONE: Wait for it…

WOLLSTONECRAFT: Right-o, chaps. Let’s see what we have here. Mm, hmm. Yes. Of course.

Wollstonecraft falls asleep.

ROSSENCRAST: This is impossible. Should we call someone else?

GILDERSTONE: Of course not. You’ll see.

WOLLSTONECRAFT: We’re looking for someone who left the vicinity on foot, is between the ages of 18 and 25 and who perhaps still smells like kung pao chicken.

Wollstonecraft falls asleep.

ROSSENCRAST: That was amazing.

GILDERSTONE: I told you.

WOLLSTONECRAFT: Right-o, chaps. What do we have here?

ROSSENCRAST: You didn’t drive here, did you?

WOLLSTONECRAFT: Of course.

ROSSENCRAST: Oh, dear.

WOLLSTONECRAFT: I’m only joking.

ROSSENCRAST: Oh, that’s a relief.

Lights.

Scene 11: Doctor Who, “I, Dalek”

The Doctor Who theme plays. A large trash can with a red light on it is brought on stage. A man in a trenchcoat and extremely long scarf and a woman, not in a trenchcoat, enter.

DOCTOR WHO: Well, here we are. Stranded. Who knows how long we’ll be here…all alone.

ZENOBIA: We’ll just have to make the best of it here…just the two of us. All alone.

XT-99: Exterminate

ZENOBIA: What was that?

XT-99: Exterminate.

DOCTOR WHO: It appears to be a Dalek.

XT-99: Exterminate.

ZENOBIA: This is what a Dalek looks like?

DOCTOR WHO: I’m afraid so. Not very impressive, are they?

XT-99: Exterminate.

ZENOBIA: They don’t even have wheels. How do they expect to rule the universe without wheels…or limbs?

XT-99: Exterminate.

ZENOBIA: How rude!

DOCTOR WHO: I expect it’s stranded here as we are. It’s probably a little afraid.

XT-99: Exterminate.

ZENOBIA: That’s no excuse for it to keep threatening to exterminate us.

DOCTOR WHO: Well, they do have a limited range of emotions. If it’s stranded here like us then it’s most likely filled with a lot of rage.

ZENOBIA: You’re not thinking of inviting it over for a spot of tea, are you?

DOCTOR WHO: We’ll just have to make our peace with it and perhaps even work together to find a way off this dead end dimensional plane.

ZENOBIA: I don’t suppose you know how to make a sandwich?

XT-99: Does not compute.

DOCTOR WHO: Do you have any biscuits in there?

Doctor Who shakes the Dalek.

ZENOBIA: It’s not a vending machine.

DOCTOR WHO: You never know.

The Dalek hurls a can of tuna up and Doctor Who catches it.

ZENOBIA: What is that?

DOCTOR WHO: Bumblebee tuna.

ZENOBIA: I prefer sardines.

XT-99: Exterminate.

ZENOBIA: Just kidding. These machines have no sense of humor.

DOCTOR WHO: I don’t know about that. How many machines bent on universal domination do you know who carry around cans of tuna?

ZENOBIA: I suppose you’re right, Doctor. Now what do we do?

DOCTOR WHO: For now, it looks like you and me and Dalek makes three.

ZENOBIA: I suppose there are worse things than being stuck in an interdimensional plane with a timelord, a Dalek and a can of tuna.

DOCTOR WHO: Zenobia, I believe this is the beginning of a beautiful, if very odd, friendship.

ZENOBIA: Friendship? I was thinking of something…more than that.

XT-99: Exterminate?

Lights.

Scene 12

WHOO

ROGER: Welcome back to WHOO. I’d like you to join me in extending a big hand to our next guest, Eleanor of Cooking with Eleanor.

ELEANOR: Thank you, Roger.

ROGER: Also helping us out tonight is tv’s loveable Lenny the Mastodon.

LENNY: Hello everybody.

ELEANOR: Hi, Lenny.

LENNY: Hello, Eleanor.

LILA: Eleanor, I just have to say that your book, Quick and Easy Eleanor was an inspiration.

ELEANOR: Why thank you, Lila. I wrote that one after a dark period in my life when I really needed to find meaning in something other than sado-masochism and wild drunken orgies in Omaha.

LILA: Oh.

ROGER: Omaha?

ELEANOR: You have no idea.

LENNY: Lenny has an idea.

ELEANOR: You’ve been to Omaha?

LENNY: No, but I was chained to an MG Roadster along I-35 for nine hours once by a dominatrix from Topeka.

ROGER: Please stop talking now, Lenny.

LILA: Well, we’re really looking forward to seeing what you’ve got cooked up for us, Eleanor.

ELEANOR: Tonight we’re going to make some sweet and savory pies for everyone. How does that sound?

ROGER: That sounds great.

ELEANOR: So, where’s the kitchen.

ROGER: Oh, there’s no kitchen here in the studio.

ELEANOR: How did you expect me to make pies?

Silence.

RANDY: Magic?

ELEANOR: Oh, that’s just great.

LENNY: We could sing a song that would make us happy.

ROGER: Back off, Lenny.

LENNY: We could use our imaginations. Imagination is fun.

LILA: Clam it, Lenny.

ELEANOR: I suppose we could just pretend that we’re making pies.

RANDY: You mean, miming?

ELEANOR: Yeah.

RANDY: That’s a bit pathetic, isn’t it?

ELEANOR: Do you have a kitchen for me?

RANDY: No.

ELEANOR: Then we’re going to mime it.

ROGER: Okay. So what are we going to pretend to make?

ELEANOR: We’re going to pretend to make a pie. First things first, we’re going to roll out the dough. Just put up on the counter here and you want to sprinkle it with some flower and then just roll it out. Roll it out. No, you’re doing it wrong. More like this. Roll it, roll it. There you go.

ROGER: Does this remind you of anything?

LILA: Yeah, it reminds me of the last time I made a pie.

ROGER: Oh.

ELEANOR: Now, you’re going to take the dough and put it into the pan and then just pinch the ends. There you go. Now we’re going to work on the filling. I like apples. I don’t know what you like in your pie.

AMY: How about mangos?

RANDY: I like blueberry pie.

LILA: I’m a big fan of peaches.

LENNY: I like all kinds of pies.

ROGER: Apples will be fine.

ELEANOR: So, first you core the apples, like so.

RANDY: I can’t get mine to work.

ROGER: It’s not a real apple, Randy.

ELEANOR: Next, we’re going to peel the apples.

AMY: Shouldn’t we have peeled the apples before we cored them?

LILA: They’re not real apples.

ROGER: You know, Lila, I’ve missed hanging out with you like this.

LILA: Yeah, it’s a grand time coring and peeling invisible apples.

Jimmy the boyfriend enters.

LISA: Jimmy!

JIMMY: What’s going on here?

LISA: We’re peeling apples.

JIMMY: Listen, I was wondering if—

LISA: We’re trying to do a show here.

ELEANOR: Why aren’t you peeling your apples?

JIMMY: I didn’t know I had any apples.

ELEANOR: That’s no excuse, peel those apples. And someone hand him some dough so that he can catch up with the rest of us. You there, show him how to roll out the dough.

AMY: This is madness.

ROGER: This is—

LILA: If you say “This is Sparta” I will cut your nuts off.

RANDY: Can I say it?

LILA: Do you want to keep your nuts?

RANDY: Yes.

LILA: Then no.

ELEANOR: Excuse me, is this show called Cooking with Lila?

LILA: No.

ELEANOR: No. It’s called Cooking with Eleanor. Are you Eleanor? No. Then you should shut your trap and start chopping your apples. Everybody chop, chop, chop.
Then we put our apple chunks into our bowl of sugar like so…now we toss them in there. Now, put it into your pie shell. Oh, you’re a natural at this. Okay, now quickly roll out another piece for the top.

AMY: Shouldn’t we have done this before?

ELEANOR: I will kill you before this night is over if you don’t shut up.

ROGER: I think she means it.

ELEANOR: And then we put our pies into the preheated oven.

ROGER: And then?

ELEANOR: Now, we wait.

A moment or two passes.

LILA: Are you going to do something Roger?

ROGER: I’m afraid.

LILA: Grow a pair.

ROGER: You first.

LILA: Fine.

AMY: What should we do?

RANDY: Why are we whispering?

ROGER: While we’re waiting for our non-existent pies to bake why don’t we watch another segment from the hit series The Flawless Sebastians.

Scene 13: The Flawless Sebastians II: A Bird in the…Hand

ALEXANDRA: Oh, Groundskeeper William, is it?

WILLIAM: Yes, mum.

ALEXANDRA: I’m Alexandra Bastian-Sebastian, of the West Essex, East Sussex Bastian-Sebastians.

WILLIAM: Of course.

ALEXANDRA: I’m betrothed to Sebastian Sebastian.

WILLIAM: Ah, that explains everything.

ALEXANDRA: I know all of this is dreadfully expositional, but very necessary.

WILLIAM: Of course it is.

ALEXANDRA: I understand you know a thing or two about birds.

WILLIAM: I do...at least about the birds around here. What with being a groundskeeper and all.

ALEXANDRA: I have often wondered about the birds here. They seem so flitty and charming. What sort of birds are they?

WILLIAM: Tits, mostly.

ALEXANDRA: Really?

WILLIAM: Great Tits, European White-Tailed Tits, sombre tits, Caspian tits, marsh tits, willow tits, Siberian tits, yellow-breasted tits, coal tits, rufous-vented tits, spot-winged tits, elegant tits, white-shouldered tits, white-bellied tits, white-backed tits, cinnamon-breasted tits, stripe-breasted tits, ashy tits, Southern grey tits, Green-backed tits, yellow-cheeked tits, Japanese tits, white-fronted tits, blue tits, canary blue tits, red-throated tits, juniper tits, black-crested tits, Hume’s ground tits and, of course, the great-horned tit, which is really more of a small owl, but some people think of it as a tit.

SEBASTIAN: Alexandra?

ALEXANDRA: Yes, Sebastian.

SEBASTIAN: There’s no need to be formal. Call me Sebastian.

ALEXANDRA: Yes, of course, how foolish of me, Sebastian.

SEBASTIAN: What were you two doing here?

ALEXANDRA: We were having a delightful conversation?

SEBASTIAN: Were you?

ALEXANDRA: Yes, we were.

SEBASTIAN: A delightful conversation with the groundskeeper? Amazing.

ALEXANDRA: Quite.

SEBASTIAN: What were you conversing about?

ALEXANDRA: Tits, mostly.

SEBASTIAN: I see.

ALEXANDRA: William has seen many varieties of them about the manor.

SEBASTIAN: Oh, dear.

ALEXANDRA: I had seen some of them as well and found them to be delightful.

SEBASTIAN: You did?

ALEXANDRA: But I didn’t know what they were called.

SEBASTIAN: I can hardly believe that.

ALEXANDRA: Oh, but it’s true.

SEBASTIAN: Amazing.

ALEXANDRA: But I had admired their songs.

SEBASTIAN: The tits sing?

ALEXANDRA: Of course they do, silly. What else would they do?

SEBASTIAN: I’ve never seen singing tits.

WILLIAM: I’ve never seen the mute variety, sir.

SEBASTIAN: I’ve clearly been away from the manor too long.

WILLIAM: If you haven’t heard the call of the tits in the morning, sir, you’ve missed out.

SEBASTIAN: They teach us nothing at Oxford. I should have gone to Cambridge like Grandfather Norris. I’ll bet he saw some singing tits in his day.

ALEXANDRA: Oh, I hardly knew anything about the tits before coming here.

SEBASTIAN: Yes, but it’s unnatural for you to take an interest in tits…unnatural, but so very fascinating.

ALEXANDRA: I don’t see what’s so unnatural about a young lady wanting to know more about tits. It seems very natural to me.

WILLIAM: Quite natural, sir. I’ve shown your mother and sister the tits for quite some time.

SEBASTIAN: Mother and Sabine also?

WILLIAM: Of course. They’re quite fond of the tits.

SEBASTIAN: That explains so much.

ALEXANDRA: Perhaps you’d like to go with me to find some tits to watch, Sebastian.

SEBASTIAN: Do you really mean it, Alexandra?

ALEXANDRA: Of course. It would be wonderful.

Sebastian doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

ALEXANDRA: What’s wrong?

SEBASTIAN: I’m just so…very…happy…the happiest I’ve ever been. I could weep with joy.

ALEXANDRA: Let’s go right now, I’ll bet we can find some tits down in the meadow.

SEBASTIAN: Yes, let’s.

They exit. Lydia enters.

LYDIA: What was that about?

WILLIAM: Oh, just a little excitement about seeing some tits.

LYDIA: Oh, dear. Well, I thought they’d never leave us alone.

WILLIAM: Now they have.

LYDIA: Good, because I hope you’ll be as excited to see some tits.

WILLIAM: Oh, even more so.

They exit.

Scene 14: Das Kindergrindhaus

RANDY: I can’t wait to see how my pie turned out.

ROGER: They weren’t real, Randy.

RANDY: So, we’re not getting any pie?

ROGER: No. Now, help us welcome back our friends from Berlin, Das Grindhaus as they present a favorite from Das Kindergrindhaus, Germany’s favorite show for kids.

AMY: Really?

LILA: Yeah, apparently they love this there.

Lights. Music. There is something of a terrible Euro-trash magic show effect as the trio (and friends) perform fifteen different ways of finding a dollar, or a dollar’s worth of change in time to the lyrics of “Look! A dollar” by Quit Your Day Job.” They find a dollar behind someone’s ear. They find one under someone’s seat, perhaps another is produced from a more awkward location. They find a dollar coin. They count out four quarters, then ten dimes, then twenty nickels and finally one hundred pennies for the grand finale. Lights.

Scene 15: This Decrepit House

RICK: Welcome to This Decrepit House, I’m Rick.

ZELDA: And I’m not Bob.

RICK: If you’ve been following along with our show you know that we’ve spent the last 97 weeks on the Winslow Murder House.

ZELDA: It’s called the Winslow Murder House because that’s where Mary Jane Winslow allegedly took an axe and killed her entire extended family on Christmas Eve 1914.

RICK: Since then, it’s fallen into disrepair as no one has managed to live there longer than a year.

ZELDA: It was a crack house for a year, but the drug dealers were afraid of the ghosts.

RICK: It was also a donut shop for a year, but the customers swore that they heard voices in the walls.

ZELDA: But that was probably just the raccoon infestation.

RICK: Also, the donut shop was probably a front operation for an international sex-slave cult, so the voices they heard might have just been Ukrainian mail-order brides.

ZELDA: The new owners are Rain and Summer, are very—spiritual. They felt like the house needed to be cleansed of its psychic baggage.

RICK: Of which it has plenty. So we hired a witch doctor to help us.

ONIBABA: I’m more of a witch homeopath. I like to help people find natural ways of healing the ruptures in psychic energies in their psycho-sexual comfort zones.

RICK: So, tell us about what you did.

ONIBABA: Well, first I scattered beans along the perimeter of the property.

ZELDA: I love beans.

RICK: So, what did that accomplish?

ONIBABA: Unfortunately, absolutely nothing. They also seemed to have a rat problem and the beans only attracted more rats.

ZELDA: And field-mice, too. They mice and rats got into a pretty vicious turf-war.

RICK: Yes, they did.

ONIBABA: And that really just made for more bad juju.

RICK: So what did you do next?

ONIBABA: I decided to do a special stick-shaking dance I learned from a shaman in New Guinea. It was something like this.

RICK: Yeah, it looks real effective.

ZELDA: And it cost $500 an hour.

ONIBABA: You really can’t put a price on good juju.

RICK: And yet, you did.

ONIBABA: So, finally I invited Rain and Summer to share in my chi, and Rain was a bit reluctant but Summer was very much into me and my chi. Also, I helped them find some serious herbal healing which they felt helped cleanse the house of any lingering spirits of anger.

RICK: Well, now comes the tough part, because this house is truly decrepit. It’s been held together with duct tape and superglue for the past eighteen years.

ZELDA: That’s right, Rick. But if there’s anything I’ve learned in the past few months, it’s that some houses are just stubbornly determined to hang in there.

RICK: And we’re going to make sure this decrepit house gets fixed up to be a normal house one day.

ONIBABA: And I look forward to making a monthly visit to share my chi and herbal healing with Summer, and possibly one or two of her friends and probably Rain, too.

RICK: Thanks for joining us for This Decrepit House. Until next time, I’m Rick.

ZELDA: And I’m not Bob.

Lights.

Scene 16: The Albigensian Crusades.

ROGER: I can’t wait to find out how that house turns out.

LILA: I’ll bet it’ll look great.

ROGER: You know what else is great, Lila?

LILA: No, but I bet you’re going to tell me.

ROGER: It’s our members and sponsors. Like Johnston’s Fluid Beef, the only meat product that you can spread on toast. Johnston’s Fluid Beef has been gracing the tables of discerning palates since 1870 and it comes in old fashioned and extra gritty varieties. Johnston’s Fluid Beef, it’s what’s for dinner.

LILA: And now, an even more splendid treat is one of our delightful British Comedies. These shows are so great and I know they’re a fan favorite because are phones go crazy whenever we show them.

They look at Lisa. Silence.

ROGER: Well, that phone isn’t going to be quiet for long once you guys see one of the most beloved sketches from that old classic, The Hieronymous Bosch Show.

LILA: And here we go.

The Hieronymous Bosch Show Theme Song.

IDLE: Thank you for joining us for Table Talk, tonight we begin with part seven of our interview with renowned French author Marcel Proust. In tonight's segment we will be discussing the role of pastries in literature. Now, you have been prominent in literary circles for asserting that Tolstoy's Anna Karenina was mostly inspired by a flaky biscuit. Do you think that the biscuit was also buttery?

JONES: That's not Marcel Proust, that's a can of tuna.

CHAPMAN: How can you be sure?

JONES: Because I'm also a can of tuna.

PALIN: This man is a liar. He's actually a tin of sardines.

JONES: I am not a man. I'm a tin of sardines, ergo I can't be a liar.

IDLE: His logic is impeccable.

PALIN: It's a bit fishy if you ask me.

CHAPMAN: It's all a bit fishy if you ask me.

IDLE: Nobody's asking anybody anything.

CHAPMAN: Marcel Proust is dead.

IDLE: Someone's killed Marcel Proust?

JONES: You must call the inspector.

CHAPMAN: He'd just fall asleep anyway. Necromantic that one is.

PALIN: You mean narcoleptic.

CHAPMAN: That, too.

CLEESE: Knock, knock.

IDLE: Who is it?

CLEESE: It's the Albigensian Crusades.

IDLE: The Albigensians Crusades, you mean the ones against the Cathar Heresy in the 13th century?

CLEESE: Yes.

IDLE: I wasn't expecting you.

CLEESE: Nobody expects the Albigensian Crusades.

IDLE: He's got a point there. I really didn't see this one coming.

CLEESE: I smell tuna and heresy, but mostly heresy.

PALIN: Well, it's not Marcel Proust.

JONES: That's not Marcel Proust, it's a can of tuna.

CHAPMAN: Impostor!

PALIN: I knew it couldn't be Marcel Proust.

IDLE: Because Marcel Proust is dead?

PALIN: No, because Marcel Proust would never have imagined that Tolstoy would eat flaky biscuits when it's clear from the character of Count Vronsky's character that Anna Karenina was inspired by an especially creamy blintz. Thus, this can't be Marcel Proust, this is the infamous Marcel Proust impersonator and Hussite Marcel Proust.

IDLE: How can someone named Marcel Proust impersonate Marcel Proust.

CHAPMAN: Quite easily, obviously.

PALIN: Impostor!

CLEESE: Heretic!

JONES: It's a can of tuna!

CHAPMAN: She should know, she's a tin of sardines herself.

JONES: I’m not a she. I’m a he.

CHAPMAN: That’s impossible. Take off your pants.

JONES: I would never do that in front of a man. I’m a lady.

CHAPMAN: But you just said you’re a man.

JONES: I did not. I’m a can of tuna.

PALIN: She’s lying. She’s actually a tin of sardines.

JONES: It’s true.

IDLE: That makes her Norwegian.

PALIN: And thus, almost Swedish.

CHAPMAN: How appalling!

CLEESE: Knock knock

IDLE: Who’s there?

CLEESE: The Albigensian Crusades!

IDLE: I wasn’t expecting you.

CLEESE: Nobody expects the Albigensian Crusades. We’re here for Marcel Proust.

IDLE: Who is we?

CLEESE: Me is we. I am me.

IDLE: His logic is impeccable.

PALIN: That’s not Marcel Proust, it’s a can of tuna.

CHAPMAN: But how can you be sure?

PALIN: That tin of almost Swedish sardines impersonating a woman told us so.

CLEESE: That can of tuna alias Marcel Proust, the infamous Marcel Proust impersonator is a heretic and a follower of Jan Hus.

IDLE: Which is a bit of a redundancy, really, because a follower of Jan Hus would be a priori considered heretical.

PALIN: But if Marcel Proust, the Marcel Proust impersonator, is a Hussite then why would the Albigensian Crusades show up?

CLEESE: Because nobody expects the Albigensian Crusades!

IDLE: He really does have a point there. Still didn't see it coming. The Inquisition, maybe, but not the Albigensian Crusades, never would have seen them coming.

CHAPMAN: Marcel Proust has escaped.

PALIN: He's right there.

CLEESE: No, that's not Marcel Proust, the infamous Marcel Proust impersonator, that's a can of tuna, impersonating Marcel Proust, the infamous Marcel Proust impersonator.

PALIN: I'll bet that woman who's actually a tin of sardines was behind this.

CLEESE: The Albigensian Crusades will get to the bottom of this.

PALIN: They'll get to the bottom of something, that's for sure.

IDLE: I still didn't see them coming.

JONES: Nobody sees the Albigensian Crusades coming, and yet we did see them going.

PALIN: They'll probably be back, but only when they're least expected, which is always.

IDLE: It's a good thing I didn't tell them that I subscribe to the Cathar belief in transcending and reclaiming matter and in a dualistic theology. Now, back to part eight of our interview with a can of tuna.

Lights.

Scene 17

Continued.

LILA: I don't think I understood a word of that.

ROGER: I didn't either, but I know there'll be people quoting at the watercoolers of every IT department in town by next week. And you can see it first here on WHOO.

AMY: Ricky Harrow is in the building.

High pitched screams of excitement.

ROGER: Well, folks the time has arrived. I hope you took good notes because it’s time for the Ricky Harrow Pitcher Show!

Music. “Top Drawer” by Man Man. A bacchic procession enters with Ricky Harrow and a bevy of garlanded women carrying containers to be appraised. Ricky touches their containers, whispers something in their ears, and they swoon. He makes his way through the audience and offstage again. Music ends.

ROGER: What the heck was that?

RANDY: I don’t know, but I want to be that guy.

Lights. End of Act I.

Act II

Act II

Scene 1

ROGER: Welcome back to WHOO. We have an exciting show coming up—why is that guy staring at me?

RANDY: He said he wants to kill you.

ROGER: Why does he want to kill me?

LISA: Because I told him I was cheating on him with you.

ROGER: Is he the fiancé or the boyfriend?

LISA: The boyfriend.

ROGER: Does he know about the fiancé?

LISA: Now he does..

ROGER: Do you still want to kill me?

JIMMY: Yes, I do.

ROGER: But it wasn't me.

JIMMY: I have no reason to believe you.

RANDY: He does have a point there.

ROGER: You’re not helping, Randy.

RANDY: I think you should run.

ROGER: I think I should, too.

RANDY: Why don't you?

ROGER: Because I'm paralyzed with fear.

RANDY: If you don't start running now you'll be paralyzed for real.

Roger runs. Jimmy chases him.

AMY: And now, I would like you to welcome our favorite self-help expert, Suzy. Welcome to WHOO.

SUZY: Thank you, Amy.

AMY: I understand you're going to talk to us about being successful today.

SUZY: Yes. You have to be successful to be a success. You have to know the words that it takes to be successful. You start by saying to yourself: I can be successful. Then, by taking that message to other people you begin down the trail of success.

AMY: How does that work?

SUZY: You start by forging pathways of success, and once you've blazed the initial trail then you just have to expand it, through communication and networking and establishing entrepreneurial management.

AMY: But, what exactly does that entail?

SUZY: You have to organize your plan for success. For instance think of the word "success." The s stands for "start" because you have to start on your plan in order to become successful. The u, stands for "unvincible" because you can't allow the fear of defeat to stand in your way. You have to imagine yourself as already having succeeded in order to actually succeed.

AMY: Unvincible?

SUZY: Yes. You don’t want to be vincible. That would be bad.

AMY: Suzy, if you don't mind my asking, what do you do?

SUZY: I give inspirational speaking events—

AMY: You mean speeches?

SUZY: Yes, speeches where I speak about being successful.

AMY: And how does that work out for you?

SUZY: I get paid about $500 an hour. I'm also a homeopathic herbalist and a certified feng shui consultant.

AMY: Okay, thanks for coming, Suzy. That's all the time we have for you today. And now, we hope you enjoy another scene from The Flawless Sebastians.

Scene 2: The Flawless Sebastians: Life Free, Die Flawless

The world’s most awkward silent dinner table. Delphine and Groundskeeper William hover about. Everyone is expectant.

EDWARD: Pass the salt, please.

SABINE: Oh, father, you're just beastly!

Sabine storms out.

EDWARD: What has gotten into Sabine?

DELPHINE: Oh, how could you, Edward!

Delphine storms out.

FAIRFAX: What's gotten into Delphine?

Fairfax goes after Delphine.

LYDIA: What hasn’t?

EDWARD: Lydia!

LYDIA: Edward!

SEBASTIAN: I can't stand the brutishness of these dinners.

Sebastian storms out.

ALEXANDRA: I can't stand this incessant bickering.

Alexandra storms out.

EDWARD: I can't stand these turnips.

Edward storms out.

LYDIA: William, could you pass the salt?

WILLIAM: Indeed.

Lights.

Scene 3: This Decrepit House

RICK: Welcome to This Decrepit House. I’m Rick.

ZELDA: And I’m not Bob.

RICK: Well, things actually got worse at the Winslow Murder House. The good thing is it has a new name.

ZELDA: The bad thing is that the name is the Murphy New Age Exploding Septic Tank House.

RICK: Well, that's the long version of the name.

ZELDA: The short version is the Bunker Street Shit House.

RICK: You can actually smell it exactly a mile away.

ZELDA: It’s awful.

RICK: There's no amount of witch doctoring that will fix this problem.

ZELDA: But we did hire a feng shui expert to help Rain and Summer arrange their stain patterns in a way most conducive to increasing their spiritual energy.

RICK: And we've temporarily held the building together using seventy thousand dollars worth of duct tape.

ZELDA: The folks at Johnston's Duct Tape even threw in a pair of air fresheners and a family size tube of Johnston's Fluid Beef. Extra gritty

RICK: Well, that's all the time we have this week on This Decrepit House. Join us next time as we flip a coin to decide whether we should just torch the whole thing to get rid of the smell.

Scene 4: Das Kindergrindhaus

ROGER: Lila.

LILA: Yes, Roger?

ROGER: I think I have some feelings left for you.

Lila laughs.

LILA: Oh, you’re serious.

ROGER: Yes.

LILA: I don't.

ROGER: You don't?

LILA: No. I feel sort of sorry for you, but I don't think that counts.

ROGER: No, it doesn't count. You really don't have any feeling for me?

LILA: I really don't.

ROGER: Well, shit.

LILA: If you have to hate me to make it through this, you're welcome to, as long as you don't call me.

ROGER: You weren't upset at all when we broke up?

LILA: No. I broke up with you. You were the one who was all weepy.

ROGER: And you don't cry.

LILA: No. I'm not a weak person. You are. You cried at the end of The Goonies. You're about to cry now. Jeez.

He exits. Lila follows.

AMY: And now, a special public service message from Das Kindergrindhaus.

The trio (and friends) enter to the tune of The Kirby Grips’ “Restraining Order” and demonstrate the importance of restraining orders.

Scene 5

Continued.

ROGER: She never cared about me.

AMY: You're better off. Sometimes what you're looking for isn't where you were looking for it. It's somewhere else, somewhere unexpected.

ROGER: I just thought—well, I don't even know what I thought. I thought I knew something about love.

RANDY: Nobody knows anything about love.

JIMMY: Nobody knows anything about anything.

ROGER: You can say that again.

JIMMY: Nobody knows anything about anything.

LISA: Randy, I'm breaking up with you.

RANDY: Yes!

ROGER: How was that supposed to help me?

JIMMY: Does this mean you’re staying with me?

LISA: I don’t know.

JIMMY: What about him?

ROGER: I never went out with her.

JIMMY: I still don’t believe you.

LISA: I don’t know. This was my first break-up. It still feels fresh to me. I need some space to think about things before I break up with anyone else so soon.

JIMMY: If this is your fault, I’ll break your legs.

ROGER: I didn’t do anything.

JIMMY: A likely story.

Jimmy exits.

ROGER: I’m so miserable right now, that the fact that someone wants to break my legs isn’t even registering with me.

RANDY: Don't you worry, I'm going to fix this for you.

ROGER: How?

RANDY: I don't know how, and it may not work, but I'm going to think of something.

AMY: See, you're surrounded by people who care about you. And by Lila, who apparently never really cared about you—but given her personality it's not like you couldn't have seen that coming.

ROGER: You know Amy, I don't know what to think of you sometimes.

AMY: That's alright. I think you're a swell guy, Roger.

RANDY: I think it's kind of awkward how we keep having these intimate conversations right in front of the studio audience.

ROGER: Oh, shit.

RANDY: Yeah, I meant to say something before, but well, it really only hit me now.

ROGER: Run another segment of the Hieronymous Bosch Show, that should keep them busy.

RANDY: And now, another segment of the Hieronymous Bosch Show, to keep you busy.

AMY: Great intro Randy.

RANDY: Thanks.

Scene 6: Return of the Son of the Revenge of the Albigensian Crusades Strikes Back

JONES: Has anybody seen my Vagina?

Many people raise their hands.

JONES: I meant my cat.

CHAPMAN: You have a cat named Vagina?

JONES: Yes.

CHAPMAN: That's ridiculous.

IDLE: No, that’s ridiculous.

Someone pretending to be an orangutan makes a lot of noise and makes his way across the stage.

PALIN: My Maltese Dick is missing.

CHAPMAN: I should think the Maltese fellow would be the one looking for it.

PALIN: It's a Maltese terrier. I clearly implied that my Maltese, named Dick, was lost.

CHAPMAN: But your sentence didn't have a comma.

PALIN: I'm sure it did.

CHAPMAN: It didn't.

They look at the scripts.

CHAPMAN: See.

PALIN: You're right.

JONES: Well, I hope her Dick hasn't chased off my Vagina.

CHAPMAN: That would be a tremendous tragedy, madam.

CLEESE: Knock knock.

IDLE: I wonder who that could be.

CLEESE: It's the Albigensian Crusades.

IDLE: I wasn't expecting you.

CLEESE: Nobody expects the Albigensian Crusades.

IDLE: Which is odd because you'd think by now I'd have been expecting you, yet, I wasn't.

CLEESE: Because nobody expects the Albigensian Crusades.

IDLE: Despite having become a clichéd catchphrase, I think you may still be right. Mostly

.

CLEESE: We are here to disperse heresy and also to purchase discount pudding.

IDLE: Oh, well, you're in the right place. This town is filled with heretics and cheap pudding.

CHAPMAN: Also, her dick and his vagina are missing.

JONES: I'm not a he, I'm a she.

CHAPMAN: Actually, she's a tin of sardines, impersonating a man who is impersonating a woman.

CLEESE: And this tin of sardines is missing a vagina?

JONES: It's a cat.

PALIN: My Dick may have chased it off.

CLEESE: Amazing.

PALIN: Not really. It also chases cars.

CLEESE: Why would your dick chase cars?

PALIN: Isn't that what they all do, though?

CLEESE: Speak for yourself. Mine has never chased a car.

PALIN: Well, la-dee-da. Isn't yours so well behaved? Mine bit the postman last week. Are you going to tell me that's unusual?

CLEESE: This town isn't filled with heretics, it's filled with lunatics.

CHAPMAN: But we do have pudding.

IDLE: Where are you going?

CLEESE: Apparently I'm going mad.

JONES: Won't stay and help me find my Vagina?

CLEESE: Madam, if you can't find it, how can I be of any help?

JONES: It answers to its name. You can call it and it'll come. I'm sure of it.

CLEES: This is madness!

CHAPMAN: This is pudding!

PALIN: This is a tin of sardines pretending to be a can of tuna!

IDLE: And this has been the Hieronymous Bosch Show!

Lights. Theme song.

Scene 7: Quasar III

DICK MONTANA: Tonight on Quasar we’re going to be studying the most powerful and vicious creature on the planet. I am, of course, talking about the vampire mite.

ENDERBY: It’s actually a tick. It’s often mistaken for a mosquito.

NERGLE: And it’s vicious.

DICK MONTANA: And it's vicious. It’s one of the most tenacious and vicious creatures on the planet.

ENDERBY: It sucks blood. That's why they call it the vampire mite.

DICK MONTANA: Also it makes a noise in a slightly Eastern European accent.

NERGLE: Where'd it go?

DICK MONTANA: I don't see it…and my vision is keen and manly. Also right now I should probably be seeing two of it.

ENDERBY: I think it's missing.

NERGLE: I don't think it was ever there.

ENDERBY: Are you calling me a liar?

DICK MONTANA: Are you calling her a liar? Because that does violence to my manly code of manliness and truth and things.

NERGLE: I think it just bit me.

ENDERBY: Pass the bourbon.

DICK MONTANA: Here you go. And here’s some for your twin sister here. You guys look a lot alike.

ENDERBY: You’re really drunk. I am too.

NERGLE: I think it just bit me again. Is the vampire mite bite poisonous?

ENDERBY: Noooo! Not unless you consider Lyme disease to be poisonous. It's more of a collateral effect.

NERGLE: I have Lyme disease?

ENDERBY: If you got bit by a vampire mite, maybe.

NERGLE: Maybe it was just a mosquito.

DICK MONTANA: Have some more bourbon.

ENDERBY: Wait, I think I see it. It's moving. Let's follow it.

DICK MONTANA: I think I just stepped on it.

NERGLE: You did.

ENDERBY: Oops.

They exit laughing.

Scene 8

ROGER: Welcome back to WHOO. We'll be cooking with Eleanor tonight with our special guest Ricky Harrow.

AMY: So, what are we pretending to make now.

ELEANOR: A spicy tofu stir fry.

RICKY HARROW: That's great.

ELEANOR: Do you really think so, Ricky?

RICKY HARROW: I do.

ELEANOR: I love your show.

RICKY HARROW: Thanks.

ELEANOR: I love you.

LENNY: Lenny likes stir fry, too.

ELEANOR: Back off, Lenny.

LENNY: Lenny likes cookies.

ELEANOR: I said, back off, Lenny. Now where were we?

RICKY HARROW: We were going to make something spicy together.

ELEANOR: Now, some people like their marinades hot, I like mine very hot.

RICKY HARROW: I can see that.

ELEANOR: Oh, would you help me stir this, it really needs a man's touch.

LENNY: Lenny can help.

ELEANOR: You know, you saw my Dixie cups once.

RICKY HARROW: I remember them. They were magnificent exhibits of ephemera.

ELEANOR: That’s kind of you to say so. Do you like toast, Ricky?

RICKY HARROW: Everyone likes toast.

ELEANOR: I'll make you some in the morning.

AMY: No, he's mine!

ELEANOR: Back off, it's my show.

RANDY: Catfight?

ROGER: This isn't good.

RANDY: It’s great.

Mayhem ensues. There is an all around melee and chase scene leading to the awkward entry of the Flawless Sebastians.

Scene 9: The Flawless Sebastians: Sebastians and Sebastianablity

SEBASTIAN: Oh, I didn’t mean to.

ALEXANDRA: Sebastian? You’re…here.

SEBASTIAN: Yes…I am.

ALEXANDRA: Of course.

SEBASTIAN: I should go.

DELPHINE: Sebastian.

SEBASTIAN: Delphine.

DELPHINE: I should go.

SABINE: Delphine, Sebastian. I should go.

DELPHINE: I didn’t mean to.

ALEXANDRA: No, of course not.

SEBASTIAN: I wanted to—

DELPHINE: Of course—

SEBASTIAN: But—

SABINE: No, no. Certainly not.

DELPHINE: Oh, I didn't mean to.

ALEXANDRA: No, of course not.

DELPHINE: I wanted to—

SABINE: Of course—

SEBASTIAN: But—

SABINE: No, no. Certainly not.

LYDIA: Oh, I seem to have—

FAIRFAX: No—

LYDIA: But—

FAIRFAX: I—

LYDIA: What?

FAIRFAX: Nothing. I should go.

LYDIA: If you must.

FAIRFAX: I must.

LYDIA: Why is it always nothing?

SABINE: I don't know.

WILLIAM: Excuse me—I didn't mean to—

SEBASTIAN: No, of course not.

ALEXANDRA: Sebastian.

SEBASTIAN: Yes?

ALEXANDRA: I—

SEBASTIAN: What?

ALEXANDRA: Nothing.

SEBASTIAN: Yes. Of course.

Lights.

Scene 10: The Narcoleptic Detective

GILDERSTONE: Now we’ll get to see a brilliant mind at work.

WOLLSTONECRAFT: Did you kill—

Wollstonecraft falls asleep.

PRIME SUSPECT: What?

WOLLSTONECRAFT: So, where were we?

PRIME SUSPECT: You just asked me “Did you kill?”—and then fell asleep.

WOLLSTONECRAFT: Who did you kill?

PRIME SUSPECT: Edwina McCampbell.

WOLLSTONECRAFT: So, you did it!

PRIME SUSPECT: No! I was just assuming what you were going to ask me.

WOLLSTONECRAFT: Why would you—

Wollstonecraft falls asleep.

WOLLSTONECRAFT: Right. Where were we?

PRIME SUSPECT: You were starting to ask me what my motivation was for stabbing Edwina McCampbell and then you fell asleep again.

WOLLSTONECRAFT: Aha! So you admit to stabbing Edwina McCampbell!

PRIME SUSPECT: No! You just fell asleep.

Wollstonecraft falls asleep.

PRIME SUSPECT: There, you did it again.

WOLLSTONECRAFT: Did what?

PRIME SUSPECT: Fell asleep.

WOLLSTONECRAFT: And what did I say?

PRIME SUSPECT: You said I said I stabbed Edwina McCampbell.

WOLLSTONECRAFT: And did I?

PRIME SUSPECT: Did you what?

Wollstonecraft falls asleep.

WOLLSTONECRAFT: Where was I?

PRIME SUSPECT: You asked me if you did or if I did.

WOLLSTONECRAFT: Did you?

PRIME SUSPECT: I did.

WOLLSTONECRAFT: So, you admit to stabbing Edwina McCampbell?

PRIME SUSPECT: Yes, I mean no. I mean. Are you asleep again. Bugger!

WOLLSTONECRAFT: Right, where was I?

PRIME SUSPECT: You were going to take my confession. I did it. Just get me out of here. I'd rather be in prison.

ROSSENCRAST: You were right. That’s brilliant.

GILDERSTONE: Best DC in the Midlands, that one is.

Lights.

Scene 11: The Rick and Bob Report

The theme from the Rick and Bob Report plays for a nearly impossible amount of time.

RICK: Welcome to the Rick and Bob Report. I’m Rick.

BOB: And I’m Bob.

The theme plays again for a mind-boggling length of time.

RICK: That’s all the time we have for the Rick and Bob Report.

BOB: Tune in next time when we our guest will be noted Paleofecologist B.J. Smoot who will tell us about digging up dinosaur dookie.

RICK: I’m Rick.

BOB: And I’m Bob.

The theme plays again.

ZELDA: And that’s a wrap. Good show, guys.

Scene 12

ROGER: I think Dick Montana has lyme disease.

LILA: I hate you.

ROGER: I used to love you.

JIMMY: I don't know what's going on.

RANDY: Don't go into the green room.

ROGER: Why not?

RANDY: I've seen things.

LILA: What kind of things?

RANDY: Things that shouldn't be seen.

ROGER: Where's Ricky Harrow?

RANDY: Doing several of those things I shouldn’t have seen—with several people, in several novel ways that I think are completely impossible.

ROGER: And you?

LILA: I got a private show.

ROGER: And?

LILA: Ricky Harrow knows value when he sees it.

ROGER: So…

RANDY: Are you…upset?

LILA: No, of course not. I'm not a weak person. I got what I wanted. He got what he wanted.

“Total Eclipse of the Heart” starts playing.

LILA: I have to go now.

ROGER: Are those…tears?

RANDY: I think they are.

LILA: I’m leaving.

Lila exits in tears.

ROGER: Where's Amy?

RANDY: Where do you think?

JIMMY: And Lisa?

RANDY: Ummm….

JIMMY: I'm going to kill you.

ROGER: But I'm not—

JIMMY: I don’t care.

Jimmy chases Roger.

ROGER: Bring out the Germans!

Scene 13: Das Grindhaus

Music. “Open up, coconut!” by Quit Your Dayjob. The trio perform some sort of arcane ritual attempting to open up a coconut while also dancing in ridiculous artsy ways. Perhaps they also have a witch doctor and a homeopath to help them.

Lights.

Scene 14

RANDY: Those people need professional help.

Music. Something by Man Man.

A slow motion chase scene version of the bacchanalian entrance of Ricky Harrow from before ensues. Almost as if the music has slowed people down despite their intentions.

Ricky works the audience and they are invited to join the zombie-like procession.

Scene 15: The Flawless Sebastians: Rabbit Habits

Music. “Rabbit Habits” by Man Man.
The Sebastians are seated at the dinner table like a 1920s version of the Last Supper. As the music starts the men successively open up newspapers and hold them in front of their faces while the women continue the cycle by opening up fans. They make a motion of putting a fork to their plates, but the plates are empty, the forks go nowhere once they go behind the newspaper/fans and nobody is nourished. Delphine gets Edward to dance with her. Then William dances with Lydia. The rest of the men perform a bit of a jig with the newspapers in front of their faces. Finally everyone waltzes off together leaving Edward and Lydia.

They dance around each other, nearly touching. But in the end they part ways leaving an empty stage. The servants come back in to clean up the table. William reaches out and Delphine gives him her hand. Lights.

Scene 16

Roger enters and sits down. Amy comes up behind him.

AMY: Hi.

ROGER: Hi.

AMY: Is this seat taken?

ROGER: No, go ahead.

Pause.

ROGER: Amy, I was thinking about what you were saying earlier and well, I thought maybe you'd like to get a drink or something…sometime.

AMY: Oh, well, I think you're a great guy, but

ROGER: Oh—

AMY: I'm sure there's someone out there who's right for you. It's not me, but I'm sure there's someone.

ROGER: Right.

AMY: You're a great guy.

ROGER: Thanks.

Pause.

AMY: Do you think Ricky Harrow could settle for one woman?

ROGER: Are you asking me, or are you asking yourself?

AMY: Good question. I'm sorry—

ROGER: Don't be. It's not like I'm crushed. Just a bit rumpled.

AMY: You'll do alright.

ROGER: Yeah.

Amy gets up.

AMY: I’ll see you at work tomorrow?

ROGER: Bright and early. Pledge week goes on.

AMY: Yeah.

Amy exits. Ricky Harrow enters.

RICKY HARROW: Rough day, huh?

ROGER: Yeah.

RICKY HARROW: Why don't you come out and join us for a drink?

ROGER: It's not really my scene. I'm not a rock star.

RICKY HARROW: I'm not either. It's just folks. Getting together, talking. No acting necessary. I mean, you could act less dorky if you wanted to, but you can just be yourself and you might find someone to talk to. No masks necessary.

ROGER: How do you do it?

RICKY HARROW: I don't. Ricky Harrow does. He's got a whole cult. Me, I'm just a guy who knows a lot about vases and archaeology. Some people become the thing they're pretending to be—those people are psychotic. We'll be around the corner having a drink. You should come and have one with us. It’ll be fun.

ROGER: I might. I might.

Ricky Harrow exits. Music. “Pale Blue Eyes” covered by R.E.M.

Roger thinks for a moment. Lisa's phone rings. Roger looks over, Lisa waves him away. Roger leaves.

LISA: WHOO. Yes, we are. Thank you for your pledge. Good night.

Lights.