The Blue Mango
a short play
by William M. Razavi
The Blue Mango, a hotel café on Key Mango, somewhere between the Everglades and Perdition. The year is 1952.
Music.
Rita enters stealthily. She lights a candle on a table, starts to straighten the tablecloth, but first extinguishes the candle, then straightens the tablecloth, then relights the candle.
She walks to the guest register, makes a mark and exits.
Enter Harvard. He is dressed like a college senior on vacation circa 1948, but with a straw boater instead of a panama. He goes to the register, makes a mark, sneaks around for a few seconds then exits.
Enter Yale. She is dressed like a coed junior on vacation circa 1951. She places a note under the candle, makes a mark in the guest register, hears something, then exits.
Sally Ann enters. She sweeps across the room, lights her cigarette with the candle, gracefully takes the note and exits.
Rodrigo enters with a tray of muffins. He puts down the tray of muffins and exits.
Lever enters grabs a muffin, tears out a page from the register, blows out the candle and exits.
Rita enters, relights the candle, mover a chair around and exits.
Sally Ann enters, places a note under the candle and exits.
Yale enters, picks up the note, puts down another one and exits.
Harvard enters, looks around, and exits.
Lever enters, carefully poisons a muffin with some drops and exits.
Rodrigo enters, shuffles the muffins around to conceal the absence of one and exits.
Sally Ann enters, picks up a muffin, eats only the bottom half of it and places the rest of it back where it was and exits.
Harvard enters, looks around, and exits.
Lever enters, picks up a note from under the candle, extinguishes the candle and exits.
Sally Ann enters, extinguishes her cigarette in an ashtray and exits.
Rita enters, straightens the table, relights the candle, empties the ashtray and exits.
Rodrigo enters with a bowl of fruit, places the bowl next to the muffins and exits.
Lever enters, sees the fruit bowl, picks up an apple and exits.
Harvard enters, eats all the fruit he can and pockets the rest along with some muffins and exits.
Yale enters, checks the register, scribbles a quick note and exits.
Lever enters with the apple, sees the empty bowl of fruit and exits.
Rodrigo enters, sees the empty fruit bowl and takes the bowl away.
Yale enters, leaves a note under the candle and exits.
Sally Ann enters, picks up the note and exits.
Rita enters with a bunch of bananas, looks around, and exits with the bananas.
Lever enters with a bunch of fruit, looks for the bowl and exits.
Rodrigo enters, goes to the muffin tray and takes the muffin tray away.
Yale enters, puts a new note under the candle and exits.
Sally Ann enters, picks up the note and exits.
Lever enters still holding a bunch of fruit. He exits.
Rita enters with the bananas. She puts the bananas on her head and does a dance.
Harvard enters. Rita senses a new presence and puts her head down and exits.
Harvard smiles and exits.
Sally Ann enters with some tools. She finds some sort of small safe or lock-box behind the guest register proceeds to attempt to crack into it. A sound from offstage.
Sally Ann gets up, hides the safe, and exits.
Rodrigo enters with the muffin tray and puts the tray down, checks something then takes the muffin tray away.
Sally Ann enters and gets the safe again. She takes a crack at it, hears something, hides it again and exits.
Rodrigo enters with a tray of cookies, puts them down and exits.
Lever enters with the fruit in a bowl, puts down the fruit bowl, poisons a cookie and exits.
Harvard enters, takes a bunch of fruit and cookies and exits.
Rodrigo enters picks up the remains of the fruit and cookies and exits.
Lever enters, sees the empty spot where the cookies and fruit used to be and nearly collapses in a seizure. He exits.
Sally Ann enters, finds the safe, hides it somewhere else, leaves her tools on the table and exits.
Lever enters and exits.
Yale enters, sees the tools and hides them, then exits.
Rodrigo enters, puts down a bottle of rum and exits.
Lever enters with some crackers. He poisons the rum and crackers and exits.
Harvard enters, pockets the rum and crackers, then exits.
Lever enters, ponders the noticeable absence of rum and crackers and storms off.
Lever re-enters with another bottle of rum and some glasses. He pours the some into each glass and poisons all but one, then exits.
Harvard enters, picks up the one unpoisoned glass of rum, drinks it and exits.
Harvard re enters at the same time Lever enters. They both exit immediately.
They peek into the space and then pull their heads back out. They peek in again. Both of them slink onstage oblivious to the presence of the other.
Yale enters, sees Harvard, and slinks around unobserved.
Sally Ann enters, sees Yale, and then sneaks around.
They all circle around. They all peek out. They all hide.
They all peek out. They all hide.
They all peek out.
Rodrigo enters with a box full of packing peanuts and sees them. He shakes his head, turns around–they’re gone. He starts searching around. Each other person shifts positions to avoid him. This continues for a while.
Rita enters.
RITA: Rodrigo!
RODRIGO: Ah!
He sends the packing peanuts flying.
Harvard, Yale, Sally Ann and Lever all escape in the confusion.
RITA: Rodrigo! Look what you’ve done.
Rodrigo looks.
RITA: Well?
RODRIGO: I’m looking.
RITA: Don’t just look. Clean it up.
RODRIGO: Okay. Look, clean. Okay.
Rodrigo starts picking up the packing peanuts.
RITA: Rodrigo, why are there pages missing from the register?
RODRIGO: I don’t know.
RITA: This is terrible. Don Francisco will fire us for sure. What will we do then?
RODRIGO: I don’t know.
RITA: Rodrigo, where is the safe?
RODRIGO: The safe? I don’t know.
RITA: If we don’t find the safe–do you know what will happen?
RODRIGO: I don’t know.
RITA: You don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t want to find out. We have to find that safe.
Rita exits.
RODRIGO: Okay.
Lever enters, sneaks around for a moment, then exits.
Harvard enters and sneaks about for a second.
Yale enters.
YALE: Harvard!
HARVARD: Yale!
HARVARD & YALE: What are you doing here?
HARVARD: I’m here to bring in Lever.
YALE: Lever’s here? Have you seen him?
HARVARD: He left his calling card–poisoned rum. Why are you here?
YALE: I’m here for The Blue Mango.
HARVARD: The hotel?
YALE: No, what’s in the hotel. The Blue Mango is a lump of rarified uranium about the size of a mango.
HARVARD: What’s so special about that?
YALE: Don’t they teach science in that little school of yours?
HARVARD: Never heard of rarified uranium. Sounds like something you just made up.
YALE: It’s something that, in the wrong hands, could be very bad.
HARVARD: Whoa, don’t overload me with specifics. Why is it here?
YALE: Who would think of actually looking for the Blue Mango at a place called The Blue Mango?
HARVARD: Apparently everybody. So what do we do now?
YALE: I have a contact, a German double agent, she works here.
HARVARD: Can we trust her?
YALE: Probably not. She could be a reverse double agent.
HARVARD: A triple agent? Maybe we can turn her.
YALE: We don’t know if we even need to turn her.
HARVARD: How do we know we don’t know?
YALE: We don’t.
HARVARD: I’m confused.
YALE: Don’t worry that pretty little Harvard mind of yours. I’ll do the thinking for the both of us.
HARVARD: Thanks. Now what?
YALE: Try to act casual.
HARVARD: Alright, casual.
Harvard acts casual.
YALE: What’s your cover story?
HARVARD: I’m not supposed to tell you that.
YALE: I already know your mission. What difference does it make if I know your cover story? It’s a cover story, people are supposed to know it.
HARVARD: Alright. I’m a journalist posing as an insurance executive on vacation but what I really want to do is to write novels.
YALE: That’s your cover story?
HARVARD: It’s a finely tuned work of art.
YALE: You can’t even keep your metaphors straight.
HARVARD: Oh, and I suppose you can do better?
YALE: Yeah, I can.
HARVARD: Alright, what’s your story?
YALE: I’m a reporter writing a story about the bamboo furniture of the Caribbean for House and Garden.
HARVARD: Do you know anything about bamboo?
YALE: No. I don’t need to. It’s a cover story. What do you know about insurance?
HARVARD: I’ve been selling policies for over three years now.
YALE: You actually sell insurance?
HARVARD: You might be interested in some of out personal injury policies. We have one specifically related to work-related injuries that I’ve found especially useful.
YALE: You sell insurance policies?
HARVARD: I don’t just sell them, I use them too. That’s what makes me a good salesman. I really do believe in my product.
YALE: You’re a real piece of work, Harvard.
HARVARD: It came in really handy when I got shot in Trieste.
YALE: You got shot on the job?
HARVARD: Yeah.
YALE: Who shot you, one of theirs or one of ours?
HARVARD: Lever.
YALE: Lever knows you?
HARVARD: You might say that.
YALE: Does he know you’re here?
HARVARD: He might. I’ve been tracking him for a while.
YALE: Well, that’s just great. If I’m seen with you it’ll blow my cover. Congratulations, you might just have blown my whole mission.
HARVARD: And all that research on the bamboo furniture of the Caribbean wasted.
Yale shoots Harvard a dirty look.
HARVARD: What if Lever’s here for the Blue Mango?
YALE: That’s impossible.
HARVARD: Why?
YALE: Because it never occurred to me.
HARVARD: Come on Yale, just hear me out.
YALE: Alright.
HARVARD: What if Lever is here to steal the Blue Mango. I’ve been tracking his movements and there’s no logical reason for him to have ended up on Key Mango. I mean look around you, this isn’t the fun spot of the Florida Keys.
YALE: Point taken.
HARVARD: Who does your double agent work for?
YALE: We aren’t sure.
HARVARD: I’m willing to bet that she’s working with Lever.
YALE: Who does Lever work for?
HARVARD: Whoever pays him–Germans, Soviets, Anarcho-Syndicalists, Objectivists.
YALE: The Objectivists?
HARVARD: Yeah, radical followers of Ayn Rand, why?
YALE: Rumor has it they want their own A-bomb. What would they do with an A-bomb?
HARVARD: Increase the profits of the individual entrepreneur. Teach a lesson to people that all you need to achieve success in this world is hard work and the willingness to steal some uranium.
YALE: If Lever will go to the highest bidder why don’t we just buy him off?
HARVARD: Well, Yale, if Daddy’s going to write a check for you I could use a little something too.
YALE: I really despise you, Harvard.
HARVARD: The feeling is mutual.
YALE: Mutual? They teach you that word at Harvard, Harvard?
HARVARD: First year. It should make its way down to New Haven by the end of the decade. In the meantime you can borrow my dictionary.
YALE: I’ll trade you for my thesaurus. Then you can look up all the synonyms of asinine for your resume.
HARVARD: That’s harsh. I heard you Yale girls were easy.
During this entire exchange Rodrigo has been eavesdropping while picking up packing peanuts. Meanwhile Lever, Sally Ann, and Rita have been lurking about and sneaking in and out while Harvard and Yale remain oblivious.
HARVARD: Alright, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll help you with your mission and you help me with mine.
Sally Ann enters.
HARVARD: Tell me that’s your double agent.
YALE: Yeah.
HARVARD: I think I’m going to have to turn her.
YALE: It’ll take more than you to turn her.
HARVARD: My name is Harvard, John Harvard.
SALLY ANN: I’m Sally Ann. Are you here for the show?
HARVARD: I didn’t know there was a show.
SALLY ANN: Oh, there’s a show.
HARVARD: I had no idea.
SALLY ANN: Right after dinner.
HARVARD: Dinner too? This place is improving more and more.
SALLY ANN: What do you do?
HARVARD: I sell insurance, but actually I’m a writer.
SALLY ANN: Do you want to insure me?
HARVARD: Do you want me to insure you?
SALLY ANN: Sure.
HARVARD: Sure?
SALLY ANN: Sure.
HARVARD: Well, why don’t we pass out on the verandah and I can show you some policies.
SALLY ANN: You carry your policies with you?
HARVARD: Easier to show them that way.
SALLY ANN: That’s a good policy.
They exit.
YALE: I have a bad feeling about that.
RODRIGO: So do I.
YALE: Who are you?
RODRIGO: Rodrigo. I carried your bags.
YALE: You took me by surprise. How much have you overheard?
RODRIGO: A lot.
YALE: I see.
RODRIGO: The safe is missing.
YALE: What’s in the safe?
RODRIGO: I don’t know.
YALE:I think I know. We have to find the safe.
RODRIGO: We?
YALE: You and me.
RODRIGO: Okay.
Rodrigo and Yale exit.
Lever enters with the safe. Rita enters.
RITA: That’s my safe.
LEVER: You’re mistaken. This is my safe.
RITA: No, I’m sure of it. That’s my safe. Give it to me.
LEVER: If you insist.
Lever gives her the safe, then picks up a salt shaker and tries to salt her.
LEVER: A-ha!
RITA: What are you doing?
LEVER: I’m–where’s the pepper?
RITA: I’ll go get it for you.
LEVER: Never mind.
Lever pulls out a bottle.
LEVER: Do you have a handkerchief?
RITA: I have napkins.
LEVER: Might I borrow one?
RITA: Here you go.
Lever pours liquid onto the napkin.
LEVER: Thank you.
Lever chloroforms Rita, who passes out promptly. He carries her off.
Yale and Rodrigo enter.
YALE: I’ll go this way and you go that way.
RODRIGO: Okay.
Rodrigo follows Yale.
YALE: No. You go that way.
RODRIGO: Okay.
They separate. Lever enters carrying Rita and exits.
Rodrigo and Yale enter from opposite directions and exit.
Harvard and Sally Ann enter.
SALLY ANN: You have quite a policy, Mr. Harvard.
HARVARD: Thanks.
SALLY ANN: Do you care to dance?
HARVARD: I’d love to.
They dance. He is an awful dancer. Sally Ann tries to maneuver him so that Lever can bonk him on the head. Meanwhile Rodrigo and Yale enter and start chasing Lever.
Rita wakes up from her unconsciousness and starts walking off in a daze.
SALLY ANN: You dance divinely.
HARVARD: Yeah, sure.
Lever holds up the safe to hit Harvard.
YALE: It’s the Blue Mango!
Harvard whirls around.
HARVARD: What?
Lever hits Sally Ann, who promptly passes out.
RODRIGO: It’s the safe.
YALE: Get the safe!
A chase ensues. Harvard strips the safe from Lever who draws a weapon and chases Harvard. It turns into a game of keep away with the safe changing hands multiple times.
Harvard becomes distracted by Sally Ann. Lever gets the safe, but as he turns to make a break for it is clocked squarely by Rodrigo and Yale.
YALE: Harvard, grab the mango. Good work Rodrigo.
RITA: We have the safe?
HARVARD: Yes, it’s safe.
SALLY ANN: What just happened?
HARVARD: You’ve been thwarted.
SALLY ANN: I was on your side.
HARVARD: I turned you?
SALLY ANN: Yes.
HARVARD: I knew it.
YALE: I wouldn’t trust her.
HARVARD: It’s alright, I’m insured.
YALE: Let’s take a look at what’s in here.
RITA: I have the key.
HARVARD: What is this?
RITA: The recipe for the Blue Mango, a drink that will amaze you.
Harvard reads the card.
HARVARD: Amazing. Now what do we do?
YALE: Where’s the Blue Mango?
HARVARD: Maybe there was never a Blue Mango. Maybe this was all a ruse to get the recipe for the drink.
YALE: What’s so important about a drink?
HARVARD: If you don’t know then you don’t need one.
YALE: So all of this, for that?
HARVARD: Yeah, why not?
RITA: I think it’s time for dinner.
SALLY ANN: Then the show.
HARVARD: Not so fast. I’m not through turning you yet.
SALLY ANN: Really?
HARVARD: Sure.
They exit.
RITA: Where does that leave us?
RODRIGO: Boy, girl, boy, girl.
YALE: He’s unconscious.
RODRIGO: Perfect.
YALE & RITA: I don’t think so.
Harvard and Sally Ann re-enter.
HARVARD: Where’s dinner? I’m famished.
RITA: That was it?
YALE: He’s a Harvard man.
LEVER: What’s going on?
YALE: Have a cookie?
LEVER: A cookie?
Blackout. Music.