Fishermen’s Blues
a play in a few minutes with several people and a trained mollusk chorus
by William M. Razavi

Music – “My Blue Heaven” by The Pogues.  There may be some sort of thrust stage built to look like a pier, but there doesn’t have to be one.  Imagination may suffice.
Two men dressed like fishermen enter with large tackleboxes and other fishing gear.
They scope out the location for a moment.

FISHERMAN 1:  This looks like the place.

FISHERMAN 2:  Mm-hm.

FISHERMAN 1:  Not much of a breeze.

FISHERMAN 2:  Mm-hm.

FISHERMAN 1:  Good sun.

FISHERMAN 2:  Mm-hm.

FISHERMAN 1:  Good spot.

FISHERMAN 2:  Mm-hm.

FISHERMAN 1:  Damn good.

FISHERMAN 2:  Hmm.

FISHERMAN 1:  You don’t think it’s a damn good spot?

[Fisherman 2 thinks for a moment and then grunts his approval.]

FISHERMAN 1:  Damned straight.

FISHERMAN 2:  Mm-hm.

[They fish for a while.  The Kibitzer enters.]

THE KIBITZER:  You guys fishing?

FISHERMAN 1 & FISHERMAN 2 TOGETHER: Mm-hm.

THE KIBITZER:  Good day for it.

FISHERMAN 1 & FISHERMAN 2 TOGETHER:  Mm-hm.

THE KIBITZER:  Not much of a breeze.

FISHERMAN 1 & FISHERMAN 2 TOGETHER:  Mm-hm.

THE KIBITZER:  Good spot.

FISHERMAN 1:  Damn good.

FISHERMAN 2:  Mm-hm.

FISHERMAN 1:  Damned straight.

THE KIBITZER:  Caught anything?

FISHERMAN 1:  Nope.

[Fisherman 2 shakes his head.]

THE KIBITZER:  What kinda lures are y’all using?

FISHERMAN 1:  Spoons.

THE KIBITZER:  Oh.

[There is a moment of silent fishing.]

THE KIBITZER:  You might wanna try some bait.

FISHERMAN 1:  Bait.

FISHERMAN 2:  Mm-hm.

THE KIBITZER:  Fish around here like bait.

[The Kibitzer exits.  There is another silent moment of fishing.
Perhaps they whistle a tune.]

FISHERMAN 1:  You think we oughta get some bait?

FISHERMAN 2:  Mm-hm.

FISHERMAN 1:  Can of worms for two bucks down at Jimmy’s.

FISHERMAN 2:  Mm-hm.

FISHERMAN 1:  C’mon, let’s go get some worms.

[They exit.  The Harlem Globetrotters enter and play a quick pickup game of hoops.
They exit.  Noises off as Fisherman 1 and Fisherman 2 struggle on with a large trash can.]

FISHERMAN 1:  Are you alright?

FISHERMAN 2:  Mm-hm.

FISHERMAN 1:  Here we go.

[Fisherman 2 grunts and groans.]

FISHERMAN 1:  Why don’t we just dump it out right here?

[They lift up the trash can and empty it.  A big man-size worm falls out.
The Worm wriggles on the ground.]

FISHERMAN 1:  It’s a fat one.

FISHERMAN 2:  Mm-hm.

FISHERMAN 1:  I’ll get the hook.  You make sure he doesn’t wriggle off.

[Fisherman 1 goes to his tacklebox and pulls out an enormous hook.
The Kibitzer enters and joins the wormwatch with Fisherman 2.]

THE KIBITZER:  Nice worm.

FISHERMAN 2:  Mm-hm.

THE KIBITZER:  It’s a fat one.

FISHERMAN 2:  Mm-hm.

FISHERMAN 1:  Alright, you hold the worm and I’ll put the hook through it.

[Fisherman 2 picks up The Worm.  The Worm is still wriggling.]

WORM [to the can]:  It’s alright boys.  I’m gonna be fine!
 

[Fisherman 1 makes several attempts to put the hook through The Worm.
The Worm screams repeatedly.]

FISHERMAN 1:  Hold still, goddammit!

[Fisherman 2 holds The Worm’s head still.  The Worm stops screaming.
Fisherman 1 pulls the hook back and prepares to put it through The Worm’s head.]

THE KIBITZER:  Do you ever wonder if they feel anything?

FISHERMAN 1:  What?

THE KIBITZER:  When you put the hook in them – Do you think they feel it?

FISHERMAN 1:  Nah.  I don’t think so.

WORM:  So this is how it ends.  One day you’re crawling in the nice cool wet dirt and
 the next thing you know you get scooped up and put in a can and then this.

THE KIBITZER:  I mean, what if they can actually feel the pain and can think…
What if they have thought processes?

FISHERMAN 1:  So.  I don’t care if they have the secret to cold fusion.
I just want to catch some fish.

WORM:  And the worst part of it is that I was just getting to know some of the really
 cool worms.  Sometimes it sucks to be a worm.

THE KIBITZER:  What if they’re just like us – only without any bones or a brain?

WORM [to the can]:  Fight the power, boys!  Good luck with the cold fusion, Jimmy.

FISHERMAN 1 [giving The Kibitzer a menacing look]:  Alright, that’s enough.
 Get the rope.

[Fisherman 2 lets go of The Worm and heads for the tacklebox.
The Worm falls to the ground and wriggles.]

WORM:  What’s going on here?

[Fisherman 2 returns with the rope.  He picks up The Worm and ties the rope around the worm. Fisherman 1 struggles with The Worm until he can pick it up and throw it off the pier into the “water.”  There may be a splash of some sort.]

WORM:  FREEDOM!
FISHERMAN 1:  Are you happy now?

THE KIBITZER:  Yeah, sure.  Hope you get some bites.

[The Kibitzer exits.  There is another moment of silent fishing.
There is a faint sound of music from somewhere.  It is the “Doctor Who” Theme.]

FISHERMAN 1:  It’s a good day.

FISHERMAN 2:  Mm-hm.

FISHERMAN 1:  Good day for fishing.

FISHERMAN 2:  Mm-hm.

WORM:  I don’t see what the big deal is about fishing.  Seems like a lot of trouble to go
through to get a stupid fish.  Seems to me there are better ways to go about it.  Then again, I’m a worm.

[Another moment of silent fishing.  Sounds of a boat approaching.  It is a partyboat filled with Buster Poindexter and a gang of people.  The sound of  “Hot Hot Hot” gets louder and louder until both fishermen and the worm are dancing along with it.  The Kibitzer enters.]

THE KIBITZER:  Feeling hot hot hot.

[The Kibitzer dances up to Fisherman 1. Fisherman 1 dances along.]

THE KIBITZER:  Feeling hot hot hot.

[The Kibitzer dances up to Fisherman 2.]

THE KIBITZER:  Feeling hot hot hot.

FISHERMAN 2:  Mm-hm.

[The Kibitzer dances to the edge of the pier and lifts The Worm up by the rope.
The Worm wriggles along with the music.]

THE KIBITZER:  Feeling hot hot hot.

[The Kibitzer drops The Worm back into the water and exits.  There is another silent moment of fishing.]

FISHERMAN 1:  Good day for fishing.
FISHERMAN 2:  Mm-hm.

FISHERMAN 1:  Not too hot.

FISHERMAN 2:  Mm-hm.

[The Kibitzer enters.]

THE KIBITZER: There’s just one more thing -- Has it ever occurred to you to ask why?

FISHERMAN 1:  Why?

THE KIBITZER:  Why would it occur to a fish to eat a worm?

FISHERMAN 1:  What?

[The Worm finds something under the stage and proceeds to tug on the rope.]

THE KIBITZER:  How would a fish, which lives in the water…

WORM:    Well well well, what have we got here?

THE KIBITZER:    …acquire a taste for worms, which live in the ground?

[The Worm has found some sort of fish container, perhaps a box of frozen fish sticks or a can of sardines.  The Worm tugs strenuously on the rope.
One of the fishermen is jerked by the rope.]

WORM:    This must be what they’re looking for.

THE KIBITZER:  I mean, how would a fish figure out that it could eat a worm.

[The Worm opens the container.]

THE KIBITZER:  Flies, grasshoppers, just about any sort of insect –
Those things, you figure could eventually land in the water at some point.

WORM:    This stuff stinks.

THE KIBITZER:  But how many times have you seen a worm crawl out of the ground
 and wriggle into the sea?

WORM:  I mean this stuff really really stinks.

THE KIBITZER:  Is it just that a fish will bite into anything it finds near the surface?
WORM:    And I’m no stranger to bad smells.  After all, I live off of the process of decay.

THE KIBITZER:  By that logic you should be able to dangle a toe in the water and get
 fish to bite it.

WORM:    But this stuff really really stinks.

THE KIBITZER:  Of course, if you dangle a toe in the water you might get bitten by
a shark or stung by a jellyfish.

WORM:    Humans, they’re just stupid.

THE KIBITZER:  But you expect that sort of behavior from a shark.

WORM:    They waste all this time trying to do this thing inefficiently…

THE KIBITZER:  Fish…worms…it just doesn’t add up.

WORM:    And the object of it all is this smelly slimy thing which smells like…the sea.

THE KIBITZER:  Looks like you’ve got a bite there.

FISHERMAN 1:  A bite?

FISHERMAN 2 [struggling]:  Mm-hm.

FISHERMAN 1:  Reel it in!

[The two fishermen struggle to pull The Worm back up.  The Kibitzer exhorts and offers advice.  They get The Worm back on stage.  The Worm takes some sardines or fish sticks and pelts the fishermen with them.]

WORM:    There!  Are you happy?!  Is that what you wanted?  You nearly drowned me!

FISHERMAN 1:  Fish sticks!/Sardines!  Wait’ll we get home with these babies!

FISHERMAN 2:  Mm-hm.

[Music as the fishermen start collecting the spoils of their expedition.
As the fishermen exit the music fades out.
The Worm is left standing over the trashcan, puzzled by his sudden development of a backbone.
The Kibitzer picks up one of the fishermen’s discarded rods and sits on the edge of the pier, casting a line into the audience.]

THE KIBITZER:  Nice day for fishing.

WORM:  Mm-hm.

[They whistle the Andy Griffith theme, as the end music starts to play and the lights dim to black.]