Hellevator
a short play
by William M. Razavi
Lights. An elevator. The doors are upstage. The doors open. Music. Richard enters jauntily. He presses a button. The elevator moves. Richard whistles along with the tune. A bell dings. The doors open. A woman, Justine, enters briskly and presses a button. A moment passes.
RICHARD: Nice view, huh?
Another moment passes.
RICHARD: I hate elevators.
Silence.
RICHARD: I like this one, though.
Silence.
RICHARD: It’s the view. I feel lucky to work somewhere with a glass elevator. Otherwise I’d hate to go to work. Not that I’d hate my work–just the to and fro, know what I mean? Do you work here?
JUSTINE: Yeah.
RICHARD: Me too. Twenty-ninth floor. Way up there. Not all the way, though.
Ding.
JUSTINE: This is where I get off.
RICHARD: Oh.
Doors open. Justine exits. Doors close.
RICHARD: I’ll see you later? Maybe?
Richard rides alone for a moment.
RICHARD: I should have said she had nice hair…or eyes. She had nice eyes. Eyes and lips.
Ding. Doors open. Fizzler and Turpin enter.
FIZZLER: And furthermore with regard to the exigencies of this situation you can stick them where the sun doesn’t shine. Change doesn’t to don’t. You get all that, Turpin?
TURPIN: Yes, sir.
FIZZLER: Do you work here?
Richard does the "who, me?" maneuver.
FIZZLER: Yeah, you. Do you work here?
RICHARD: Yes.
FIZZLER: Good.
Ding. Doors open. Fizzler and Turpin exit. Doors close, but not before a hand gets wedged in there. It is Booth. Doors open back up.
BOOTH: Whew, nearly missed it. Going down?
RICHARD: Actually–
BOOTH: No problem. I’ll just run the override here.
Booth cracks open some sort of box or panel and pulls at some wires like a monkey beating a clown to death with a banana. The elevator lurches to a halt.
BOOTH: Shit.
RICHARD: What happened?
BOOTH: It’s alright. This happens all the time. Just give it a second to kick back in.
They wait.
BOOTH: I’m Booth.
RICHARD: I’m Richard.
BOOTH: You work here, Dick?
RICHARD: Excuse me?
BOOTH: Mind if I call you Dick?
RICHARD: It’s Richard, actually.
BOOTH: You go by Richard?
RICHARD: Yes.
BOOTH: Anybody ever tell you you look like a Dick?
Pause.
BOOTH: Sorry. I’ve been saving that one for years. I do the same thing with people named Henry. It’s not as funny. So…you work here?
RICHARD: Yeah.
BOOTH: Nice place, huh?
RICHARD: Yeah.
The elevator moves.
BOOTH: There we go. Works like a charm.
RICHARD: I’ve really got to get upstairs.
BOOTH: No problem. You just put these wires together as soon as we hit the bottom.
RICHARD: But–
BOOTH: It’s really easy. I’ll show you.
RICHARD: I’ll be late.
BOOTH: You’ll be fine. You been here long?
RICHARD: A couple of years.
BOOTH: In the elevator?
RICHARD: I thought you meant–
BOOTH: That’s a long time to be in the elevator.
RICHARD: I meant how long I’ve worked here.
Booth looks around the elevator.
BOOTH: So, where do you do your business?
RICHARD: Twenty-ninth floor.
BOOTH: Better view, huh?
RICHARD: Um...yeah.
BOOTH: Must be nice to have a great view like this while taking a dump.
RICHARD: What?
BOOTH: Taking a dump in here–quite luxurious.
RICHARD: I don’t do that here.
BOOTH: Oh, where do you go?
RICHARD: The twenty-ninth floor. That’s where I work.
BOOTH: Oh. Well. I don’t know why you had to lie about shitting in the elevator.
Ding. Doors open.
BOOTH: See you around. You’ve got nice hair, by the way.
Booth exits. The doors close. The elevator doesn’t move.
RICHARD: Shit.
The doors open. Booth comes back in.
BOOTH: Here.
Booth touches a pair of wires together then leaps out the doors. The doors close.
BOOTH: See ya.
RICHARD: Thanks.
The doors close. The elevator moves. The elevator stops. Justine enters.
RICHARD: Hi.
JUSTINE: Oh, it’s you.
RICHARD: Yeah.
JUSTINE: You’re still here?
RICHARD: Yeah. Richard.
JUSTINE: Justine.
RICHARD: Justine. That’s a great name.
JUSTINE: Thanks.
RICHARD: How long have you been working here?
JUSTINE: Several years.
RICHARD: I’ve never seen you around.
JUSTINE: No, you haven’t.
RICHARD: Because I would have remembered you.
JUSTINE: You think so?
RICHARD: I could never forget you.
Ding. Doors open.
JUSTINE: Try.
Justine exits. Fizzler and Turpin enter.
FIZZLER: And furthermore if the aggrieved party should seek restitution they can kiss my ass. Did you get all that?
TURPIN: Kiss my ass. Yes. It’s all here.
FIZZLER: Great. Now, let’s talk about your career advancement.
Fizzler puts a move on Turpin. Turpin smiles, but is physically reluctant.
TURPIN: Do you think this is wise…I mean in this situation?
FIZZLER: I’ll handle the situation. You there–what’s your name?
RICHARD: Me? I’m Richard.
FIZZLER: Well, Richard, do you know who I am? I’m Fizzler. Do you know what that means? That means what it means. Now, Richard, how do you like this view?
RICHARD: It’s alright.
FIZZLER: It’s better than alright. It’s fantastic. It’s a magnificent view.
RICHARD: I guess it’s magnificent.
FIZZLER: Eye-catching, isn’t it?
RICHARD: Certainly eye-catching.
FIZZLER: Absorbing, you might say. Worthy of detailed study.
RICHARD: Very absorbing.
FIZZLER: Are you absorbed? If not I suggest you pay close attention to it. There might be a quiz on it later.
RICHARD: Magnificent view.
Fizzler and Turpin make their moves. It’s an elevator and it’s somewhat awkward. Richard becomes progressively more disturbed.
FIZZLER: Ms. Turpin, you’re going to go far. Then I’m going to go far. Then we’re both going to go farther together.
TURPIN: I think I see what you mean. Let’s go.
FIZZLER: We’ll go.
TURPIN: That’s great.
FIZZLER: It’s swell. It’s dandy. It’s like candy.
TURPIN: That’s dandy.
They clutch each other overdramatically.
TURPIN: Ohh.
Richard tries to whistle along with the music.
FIZZLER: Excuse me.
TURPIN: That was you?
FIZZLER: No.
TURPIN: I’ve never been with a ventriloquist.
FIZZLER: Did I tell you to whistle?
RICHARD: No.
FIZZLER: Was that you whistling?
RICHARD: Ummm…
FIZZLER: Well it wasn’t my sweet ass whistling, was it?
RICHARD: No.
FIZZLER: Do you like that view?
RICHARD: Yes.
FIZZLER: Find it engrossing?
RICHARD: Sort of.
FIZZLER: Are you engrossed?
RICHARD: Kind of.
FIZZLER: Well, get more engrossed.
RICHARD: Okay.
FIZZLER: Where were we?
TURPIN: I was gonna go far, then you were gonna go far, then we were both gonna go further together.
FIZZLER: Swell.
TURPIN: Dandy.
FIZZLER: Let’s go.
TURPIN: I’m ready.
Ding.
FIZZLER: Damn.
RICHARD: Whew.
Doors open. Justine enters.
FIZZLER: And furthermore with regard to the opinion of the man on the street the man on the street can shove it, right there on the street. Did you get all that?
TURPIN: Shove it, right there on the street.
FIZZLER: Perfect. Let’s see those numbers.
RICHARD: I owe you a big one. You just saved my life.
JUSTINE: You’re strange.
RICHARD: No, I’m not strange. It’s not me.
JUSTINE: Yes, it’s you. You’re strange.
RICHARD: Justine, it’s me–Richard.
JUSTINE: What kind of freak are you?
RICHARD: I’m not a freak, I’m normal.
JUSTINE: What are you doing here?
RICHARD: I work here.
JUSTINE: On the elevator?
RICHARD: No, the twenty-ninth floor.
JUSTINE: Then why aren’t you there?
RICHARD: I’m trying to get there.
JUSTINE: You’re not trying very hard.
RICHARD: You have no idea. Isn’t it too quiet in here?
TURPIN: Look, we’re stopped.
RICHARD: We’re stuck?
TURPIN: Yeah.
RICHARD: Jeez-Louise.
FIZZLER: Don’t worry, this happens all the time. Enjoy the view.
RICHARD: Booth!
JUSTINE: What are you screaming about?
RICHARD: Booth! The guy ripped the wires out! We’re gonna die!
JUSTINE: Get a grip.
RICHARD: We’re gonna die here.
JUSTINE: Richard, snap out of it. You’re among friends here.
RICHARD: Really?
JUSTINE: I can’t speak for these two, but I’ve been developing quite an antipathy for you.
FIZZLER: Me too.
TURPIN: Yep.
RICHARD: But–
Ding. Doors open. Justine exits.
JUSTINE: See you later.
RICHARD: Really?
Doors close. Pause.
FIZZLER: Nice view.
RICHARD: What?
FIZZLER: Nice view.
RICHARD: Oh, right.
Richard goes to the window and whistles.
RICHARD: At least we’re going up.
Ding. Doors open. Fizzler and Turpin exit. Otis enters and immediately rips open the panel/box and crosses wires like a badger darning socks. The elevator goes down fast.
RICHARD: Hey! What’s happening? Who are you?
OTIS: Otis.
Richard gives Otis an exasperated look.
OTIS: O-tis.
More exasperated.
OTIS: And you are?
RICHARD: Richard. Why are we going down?
OTIS: I have to catch up with Booth.
RICHARD: Booth!
OTIS: You know Booth?
RICHARD: Oh, I know Booth.
OTIS: Booth’s a real pal.
RICHARD: Yeah, a real pal. I’m gonna kill him.
OTIS: No, not Booth. Booth is a good egg.
RICHARD: I don’t like you too much either.
OTIS: Why?
RICHARD: I have to get to work.
OTIS: Well that’s easy. You just put these two wires together–
RICHARD: Ahhh!
Ding. Doors.
OTIS: Gotta go.
Otis exits.
RICHARD: Booth!
Booth enters.
BOOTH: You rang?
RICHARD: Ahhhh!
BOOTH: Gotta go up.
RICHARD: What?
BOOTH: Twenty-ninth floor express. Hope you don’t have to stop anywhere.
RICHARD: This is great.
BOOTH: Almost there.
Ding. Doors open. Justine enters.
BOOTH: See you later, Dick.
Booth exits.
RICHARD: It’s Richard.
Richard starts to leave but instead stands in the doorway looking back at the elevator.
JUSTINE: In or out?
RICHARD: What?
JUSTINE: In or out, Richie?
Richard steps in.
RICHARD: I guess in.
JUSTINE: Going down.
RICHARD: Well…
JUSTINE: Don’t you have to work?
RICHARD: Yeah.
JUSTINE: So, what do you want?
RICHARD: What?
JUSTINE: You want my number?
RICHARD: Sure.
JUSTINE: My dress size?
RICHARD: Uh…
JUSTINE: My shoe size? Do you want to know what kind of car I drive?
RICHARD: Well…
JUSTINE: So what do you want?
RICHARD: I’ve never really heard it put that way.
JUSTINE: Do you even have an idea what we would do together?
RICHARD: Together?
JUSTINE: Do we have anything in common?
RICHARD: I don’t know. I’d like to find out.
JUSTINE: Why?
RICHARD: Because you have nice hair?
JUSTINE: So what could we do?
RICHARD: You mean like on a date?
JUSTINE: Sure. A date. Come on, Richie, tell me about our date.
RICHARD: Well, I’d take you out to dinner…someplace nice. And then, if that went well, maybe we could get a couple of drinks.
JUSTINE: So you can get me liquored up?
RICHARD: No. Just to have a drink.
JUSTINE: And then what?
RICHARD: Then…well…I guess…
JUSTINE: Then maybe see if I’ve had enough to go home with you on the first date.
RICHARD: No, I wouldn’t.
JUSTINE: No, of course not. That would be too easy. Then you would lose interest. Then you wouldn’t bother calling me again because why bother? Heaven forefend I should show any interest on the first date or tell you that I like you, but so long as I eventually give in you’re willing to play the game. But then, maybe I won’t play the game, maybe you’ll have to give me a couple more drinks and then maybe I won’t care what I do because inhibitions are so passé but a drunk bit of making out with you is so hip.
RICHARD: Well, I’ve been told…
JUSTINE: So, that’s all you’ve got. Dinner, drinks, making out.
RICHARD: We could play scrabble.
JUSTINE: I don’t like scrabble.
RICHARD: Blackjack?
JUSTINE: Card games? Please.
RICHARD: Shoot some pool?
JUSTINE: I don’t like billiards.
RICHARD: Well, what do you like?
Ding. Doors open.
JUSTINE: You’ll never know.
Justine exits. Booth enters.
BOOTH: Hey pal, how’d it go?
RICHARD: Lousy. Are we going up?
BOOTH: This is as far down as it goes.
RICHARD: That’s a relief.
BOOTH: Strike out, huh?
RICHARD: Didn’t even make it to the plate.
BOOTH: Well, at least you’ve got your work to keep you busy.
RICHARD: Yeah, sure.
BOOTH: You know what always cheers me up?
RICHARD: Porn?
BOOTH: No, mooning people from the elevator.
RICHARD: You’re not serious.
BOOTH: Check out those two in the parking lot over there.
You know what they need? Ass.
RICHARD: No.
BOOTH: Come on. You’ll laugh, they’ll laugh, we’ll all laugh.
RICHARD: Really?
BOOTH: Yeah, go on.
RICHARD: Alright.
Richard unbuckles his belt and turns around. Ding. The doors open. Booth exits, Fizzler and Turpin enter.
TURPIN: What are you doing?
RICHARD: BOOTH!
FIZZLER: Why aren’t you at work?
RICHARD: I was–
FIZZLER: Never mind. You’re fired. Get out.
RICHARD: Fired?
FIZZLER: Yes.
Ding.
FIZZLER: Enjoy the view.
Doors open. Fizzler exits. Turpin stops, shows off her legs and gives Richard a real "come hither, if you dare" gesture.
TURPIN: Enjoy the view.
Turpin exits.
RICHARD: What the hell?
Justine enters.
RICHARD: Justine.
JUSTINE: It’s you. Why are you still here?
RICHARD: I got fired. My life is over.
JUSTINE: Some life.
RICHARD: Listen. I know this is a long shot, but you really didn’t give me a chance.
JUSTINE: Alright.
RICHARD: I don’t know what kind of relationships you’ve had, but I think I could do better.
JUSTINE: You think so?
RICHARD: Give me a shot.
JUSTINE: Alright, you’ve got five minutes to convince me.
RICHARD: Okay, here it goes–
Ding. Doors open. Fizzler and Turpin enter.
FIZZLER: And furthermore if they don’t like that–You’re still here?
RICHARD: I’m on my way out.
FIZZLER: Well, make it snappy. Read that back to me.
TURPIN: If they don’t like that, you’re still here? I’m on my way out. Well, make it snappy.
FIZZLER: Great.
Ding. Doors open. Justine exits.
RICHARD: Wait! Justine! Come back, Justine!
Pause.
FIZZLER: You know what? You remind me of me. You’re back on the team.
RICHARD: What?
FIZZLER: Thirty-fifth floor. Starting immediately.
RICHARD: Really?
FIZZLER: Sure. I’m Fizzler. I can make it happen. Now, how about you go enjoy the view for a couple of minutes then I’ll give you the details.
RICHARD: Great. Nice view.
Ding. Doors open. Otis enters. Fizzler and Turpin start walking out.
RICHARD: Wait!
Doors close. Otis spills some change on the floor.
OTIS: Can you help me with these?
RICHARD: But–
OTIS: Please.
RICHARD: Jeez.
OTIS: Please.
RICHARD: Alright.
OTIS: Thanks.
Ding. Doors open. Booth enters.
BOOTH: Otis!
OTIS: Booth! Mooned anyone lately?
RICHARD: Here’s your change.
OTIS: Booth, here’s that change I owe you.
BOOTH: Thanks, Otis.
RICHARD: What about my job?
Ding. Doors open. Fizzler and Turpin enter.
BOOTH: Looks like you got a second chance.
FIZZLER: About your job–
RICHARD: Yes, I forgot to ask–
FIZZLER: Have you been picking change off the floor?
RICHARD: Yeah.
FIZZLER: Well, that won’t do. You’re fired. Read that back to me.
TURPIN: You’re fired.
FIZZLER: Perfect.
Ding. Doors open. Fizzler exits.
TURPIN: Nice view.
Turpin exits.
BOOTH: Tough break.
OTIS: Going down.
RICHARD: What’s happening to me? Who are you people?
Ding. Doors open.
BOOTH: Does Fizzler even work here?
OTIS: Damned if I know.
Booth and Otis exit.
RICHARD: What? Alright, I’m going up to the twenty-ninth. Better late than never.
Ding. Doors open. Justine enters.
RICHARD: Justine.
JUSTINE: You again.
RICHARD: I think we have some unfinished business.
JUSTINE: No thanks.
RICHARD: Why won’t you give me a chance?
JUSTINE: Why are you talking to me? Do you even know me? Do you think you know who I am?
RICHARD: I just want to–
JUSTINE: All you want to do is fuck me.
RICHARD: Yes!
JUSTINE: What?
RICHARD: I mean, no!
JUSTINE: Well?!
RICHARD: There is no right answer here, is there?
JUSTINE: No.
Ding. Doors open. Justine exits.
RICHARD: Shit. You have nice hair!
Ding. The doors close.
RICHARD: Hey! Let me out! What’s wrong with these doors? Booth!
Ding.
RICHARD: Shit…shit…shit.
Richard curls up into a ball.
RICHARD: Shit, shit, shit.
VOICES: How are you doing, Richie?
Want to go for a drink, Richard?
Can I get you a doughnut, Dick?
RICHARD: Where am I?
VOICES: You’re on an elevator.
RICHARD: Where am I going?
FIZZLER: Up.
TURPIN: And down.
RICHARD: Let me out!
JUSTINE: No.
RICHARD: Justine, please!
JUSTINE: How do you know my name is Justine?
RICHARD: What? Who are you? Wait. Wait. I know. I know what this is.
I’m dead and this is hell.
BOOTH: Oh, you’re not dead.
OTIS: You still have that to look forward to.
FIZZLER: And this isn’t hell.
TURPIN: Just hellish.
Ding. Doors open and close slowly. Richard turns around. He slams himself against the doors.
RICHARD: No! Help me! Let me out of here! Help me! Please help me!
Lights fade. Music swells.