a play by William M. Razavi
Love at first was such an
easy thing,
But, ah! The Hard Awakening! – Hafez
Scene 1 – “On second thought, Watson, I don’t need you.”
An apartment. A young woman is on the phone.
EMILIA: No, no, no. Don’t talk to me about the almonds. I don’t want to hear about
them. I don’t want to hear about almonds anymore. I have to tell you something. I don’t like almonds. I never want to see another almond again. No, I don’t want to see you again, either. I never want to see you again. Can I be any more clear about this? I’m hanging up now. Don’t you hang up on me! I said I’m hanging up on you. You can’t hang up on me because I’m hanging up on you first….Because I don’t like you. That’s right, I don’t like you and I don’t like almonds. Two things I don’t like: you and almonds. End of story. Of course I like the green grass, just not with you on it. [She hangs up.] I don’t understand people.
[Aggrippina, another young woman, enters.]
AGGRIPPINA: You don’t listen.
EMILIA: I’m not listening to you.
AGGRIPPINA: You never listen to me.
EMILIA: I’m still not listening to you.
AGGRIPPINA: Fine, don’t listen to me, but someday you’re going to regret
throwing away a perfectly good person.
EMILIA: I’m not listening to you. I’m not listening to you. La-la.
Not listening to you.
AGGRIPPINA: You are so childish. I don’t know what The Poet ever saw in you in
the first place.
EMILIA: I don’t care what you say, I don’t like the poet. La-la. Not listening.
AGGRIPPINA: Suit yourself, but I think you’re making a big mistake.
EMILIA: I’m still not listening.
[Lights change, music plays.]
Scene 2 – Evergreen
The Poet sits down
and writes into a small black notebook.
Aggrippina watches him intently.
THE POET: I looked out at the old
Stand of trees that we passed
And I realized that it wasn’t spring.
That was my realization,
What passed for self-discovery
In that day and age.
It wasn’t spring and I wasn’t who I should have been.
Sorry for all the trouble.
Sorry I wasn’t an evergreen.
AGGRIPPINA: That was beautiful.
THE POET: It was painful. Pain and beauty—they go hand in hand.
AGGRIPPINA: That’s so true, Poet, you are so true sometimes.
THE POET: I’m nothing. I’m the wind and the heart has no place for wind.
AGGRIPPINA: My heart does.
THE POET: It must be gas.
AGGRIPPINA: No, Poet, I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a long time.
I think I want to be with you.
THE POET: Do you think I could write poetry about you? When it’s her I long for?
AGGRIPPINA: Don’t long for her, long for me.
She scorns you, but I want to be with you.
THE POET: I have to have my muse.
AGGRIPPINA: And I want The Poet.
THE POET: The Poet has only so much room in his heart.
After that it all has to go into storage.
AGGRIPPINA: Don’t shun me, Poet. I could love you.
THE POET: Love? How could anyone speak of love when she is there?
She is my muse and I must follow my muse.
AGGRIPPINA: Can’t you have a new muse?
THE POET: I can only go with what I’ve been given. The rest does not go.
AGGRIPPINA: You’re cruel, Poet.
THE POET: I have to be cruel to be kind. That’s a bit of cliché, I know…
AGGRIPPINA: Don’t go after her, she’ll only hurt you. I’m the one that wants you.
THE POET: If Jim Morrison could have his muse, then so can I.
[The Poet exits, never looking back at Aggrippina. Aggrippina sinks into herself, weeping. Big Jim enters. He sees Aggrippina and is moved to go to her. He touches her shoulders comfortingly.]
AGGRIPPINA: Piss off!
BIG JIM: I’m sorry. I just—
AGGRIPPINA: Don’t touch me! Just go away and leave me alone.
BIG JIM: Sorry. I thought I could help.
AGGRIPPINA: You can help me by going away.
BIG JIM: Okay. Whatever you say.
[Big Jim exits.]
AGGRIPPINA: I will pull myself together and get some poetry in my life.
[Aggrippina exits. Lights. Music.]
Scene 3 – The Doctor’s Dilemma
Doctor Gachet
enters, followed by Nurse Graves.
DOCTOR GACHET: They say that you can get further with a kind word and a 2x4 than
you can with just a kind word.
[Doctor Gachet pulls a red rose from inside his lab coat.]
DOCTOR GACHET: I present to you the red rose. Love’s 2x4.
NURSE GRAVES: Thank you.
DOCTOR GACHET: Ah, ah, ah—not for you.
[Doctor Gachet exits holding the rose forward expectantly. Nurse Graves is left standing alone.]
NURSE GRAVES: They say that singing songs helps you get over heartbreak.
[She attempts to sing a sing but it sounds so atrocious that even she recognizes how bad it sounds. Someone from the audience speaks to her.]
JACOB: That was beautiful.
NURSE GRAVES: No, it wasn’t. It sounded like ass.
JACOB: No, really. I liked it.
NURSE GRAVES: You don’t have to lie. I’m not your fucking valentine.
[Nurse Graves exits. Jacob gets up from his seat and leaves the theater.]
Scene 4 – The Wealth of Nations
The Economist, a
businesslike woman and The Writer, an unbusinesslike man enter.
WRITER: That was harsh. Do you think he’ll come back?
ECONOMIST: They always do. It’s a simple fact. Amor omnia vincit, caveat emptor.
WRITER: Still, that was harsh. Isn’t there some way we can tone it down a notch, give
someone a happy ending? People can change, even hurt people. Wouldn’t that be more reasonable?
ECONOMIST: The thing about rejection is that it’s almost perfectly reasonable, even
as it’s almost completely arbitrary. It’s all simple economics. You are the market. You assign value. Now, if love means that a person has infinite value, then everything short of love has a terminal value. It’s harsh, but it works. Rejection is simply the mapping out of the highest value of a person in relation to you.
WRITER: That’s cold.
ECONOMIST: Now, an imbalance occurs when, for instance, you love me, but I don’t
love you. I think you were good while you lasted but I’m ready to move on to find someone more suited to my value.
WRITER: Wow, that’s cold.
ECONOMIST: So, relatively speaking, while I think your shares are worth 55 cents on
the dollar, I think I can do better than that.
WRITER: I don’t know what to make of that. This really hurts.
ECONOMIST: What you have to understand is that I can’t really see myself with an
artist. You’re a writer, and I don’t see myself with you. I need security and comfort. I want a lawyer.
[The Economist starts to exit.]
WRITER: But, I’m not an artist! I’m a hack! I’m a word whore! I have no artistic
convictions! I have no integrity! I’m willing to sell myself for money! I can be a lawyer.
ECONOMIST: Don’t make a spectacle of yourself. It’s not becoming.
[She exits. He exits after her.]
Scene 5 – Arms and the Man of La Mancha
Some sort of artsy
music. Two people enter dancing in the
worst musical theater fashion.
They mime a fight
with each other as the music goes.
Dancer Man is approached by Dancer Woman. Dancer Man rebuffs her.
Dancer Woman, jilted, dances off in the worst comic ballet fashion,
heartbroken. Dancer Man steps up coolly
and casually surveying the audience. He
picks someone out from the audience. He
sidles up to her coolly and attempts to take her hand.
WILMA: I hate musicals.
Dancer Man is
hurt. He walks away, but turns to her
pleadingly.
WILMA: I don’t think you’re cute.
Dancer Man is
shocked. Everyone thinks he’s cute,
right?
WILMA: Frankly, you seem weak and pathetic.
Dancer Man is
puzzled. Most people seem to find
weakness endearing, right?
WILMA: I don’t find weakness endearing.
Dancer Man tries to
act tough. He overcompensates.
WILMA: And don’t give me the Sinatra bullshit with the martinis and calling me
a dame. It’s just overcompensation.
Dancer Man is now
paralyzed.
WILMA: Don’t bother trying to impress me. You won’t.
[She gets up and leaves. Dancer Man is stuck. Dancer Woman reemerges and attempts to touch him comfortingly, but Dancer Man shrugs her off and exits. Dancer Woman is left alone. She steps forward.]
DANCER WOMAN: I suppose this is the kind of moment when someone shows up
from out of the blue and saves me from loneliness and despair.
[The lights slowly dim out as music plays.]
Scene 6 – Desperado
The Old West. The Sherriff and The Deputy enter leading
Desperado, who has clearly not come to his senses. They lead him to a platform where he is to be hanged. A noose drops down or is put around his neck
in some fashion that will not kill the actor.
SHERRIFF: End of the road, Desperado. End of the road.
DEPUTY: Yeah, Desperado, end of the road.
SHERRIFF: Stairway to heaven.
DEPUTY: Last days of disco.
SHERRIFF: Do you have anything to say for yourself?
DESPERADO: Yer killin’ an innocent man, Sherriff. I never done what you say I done.
If I had done it I woulda had a good reason fer killin’, but I didn’t do no killin’.
It was some other varmint that done it, not me.
SHERRIFF: Well, Desperado, the law says different.
The law says you is to be hanged today. Right here, at the end of the road.
DEPUTY: End of the road.
[A frantic woman, Diamond Lil, enters. She throws herself at the Sherriff’s feet.]
DIAMOND LIL: Please Sherriff, don’t do it! You have to listen to me!
You have to save him! You can’t do it!
SHERRIFF: Afternoon, Lil. What brings you here?
DIAMOND LIL: I just told you. You have to let him go. He’s just a little mixed up.
SHERRIFF: Sorry, Lil. The law’s the law.
DIAMOND LIL: Can I have a last moment with him?
SHERRIFF: Knock yourself out.
DIAMOND LIL: I just wanted you to know that I love you, Desperado,
and that I will always carry you in my heart.
DESPERADO: Well, Lil, that’s awfully sweet of you, but the truth is…
I don’t reckon I like you in that way.
DIAMOND LIL: Oh.
[Blackout. Music.]
Scene 7 – St. Valentine
St. Valentine enters
carrying a red rose. He waits for an
interminably long moment.
Julia enters. She is the one he loves. It is epic.
ST. VALENTINE: A red rose means love.
JULIA: I know.
ST. VALENTINE: Love means so many things. My love for you is boundless.
It only needs a nod, and it will be yours forever.
JULIA: I don’t want forever. I can’t even handle now.
ST. VALENTINE: Oh.
JULIA: It’s not that I don’t think you’re great, Valentine. I think you’re very special.
Too special for me. I can’t handle that much goodness. And I can’t handle forever with anyone right now. And I can never handle forever with you.
ST. VALENTINE: Do you want the rose?
JULIA: No. I don’t care for roses.
[St. Valentine exits heartbroken. Doctor Gachet enters carrying a rose. Julia stops him.]
JULIA: Is that a rose for me, Doctor?
DOCTOR GACHET: No, it’s for someone I love.
JULIA: Oh.
DOCTOR GACHET: I don’t fall in love with people I meet on my way
to see someone else.
JULIA: Oh.
[Doctor Gachet exits. Nurse Graves enters.]
NURSE GRAVES: Hi.
JULIA: Hello.
NURSE GRAVES: Nobody ever falls in love, huh?
JULIA: Not when you’d think they should. It never happens that way.
[Nurse Graves puts her arm around Julia.]
NURSE GRAVES: I think it’ll all turn out alright. I really do.
JULIA: Please don’t touch me. I want to be alone right now.
NURSE GRAVES: Oh.
[Julia exits. After a second Jacob enters. Nurse Graves looks up at him, disappointed.]
JACOB: Don’t worry. I’m just a spectator.
NURSE GRAVES: I don’t care.
[Nurse Graves exits. Wilma enters. She touches Jacob’s shoulder.]
WILMA: Are you okay?
JACOB: Get away from me.
[Jacob exits. Dancing Man enters. He attempts to elicit a response from Wilma.]
WILMA: Get away from me, you creep!
[Wilma exits. Dancing Woman enters. She throws herself at Dancing Man. He doesn’t notice and exits.]
DANCING WOMAN: It never works out like you think it will.
[The Writer enters.]
WRITER: This is all too miserable. I can fix it. I’ll make it better.
DANCING WOMAN: Shut up. Do you think you can make it all better just by
changing some words? Who do you think you are?!
[Dancing Woman exits.]
WRITER: Well, actually…I’m the writer. I can change all of this.
[Aggrippina enters.]
AGGRIPPINA: You can’t change anything. The world isn’t yours to change.
[Aggrippina exits. The Writer takes a moment to ponder. The Economist enters.]
ECONOMIST: I’ve changed my mind. I want the artist after all.
The lawyer can’t offer warmth. The lawyer has no soul. I need the artist.
WRITER: Go find one then.
[The Writer storms out.]
ECONOMIST: Even the most complex economic theory can’t take into account the
variable of the human heart. That was my mistake. Twice.
[The Economist exits. Emilia enters with The Poet closing in from behind.]
THE POET: Your beauty is beyond compare. You are like an almond blossom.
EMILIA: I’m not listening. I’m not listening.
THE POET: You’re like a summer’s eve.
EMILIA: Go away. I don’t like you. I don’t like you.
[Emilia exits. The Poet follows. Big Jim enters. Emilia reenters.]
EMILIA: Hi.
BIG JIM: Hi.
EMILIA: Do you come here often?
BIG JIM: No. I keep away from people mostly. I prefer quiet places.
EMILIA: What kind of work do you do?
BIG JIM: I’m a botanist. I work with foresters.
EMILIA: That’s fascinating.
BIG JIM: I specialize in almond trees.
EMILIA: I love almond trees. They have such beautiful blooms.
BIG JIM: Listen, you don’t have to pretend to be interested in trees on my account.
I don’t really care to involve myself with people.
EMILIA: Oh.
BIG JIM: It’s nothing personal. But I can tell when people are humoring me,
and it isn’t flattering. It’s a bit insulting, actually.
EMILIA: Oh.
BIG JIM: Sorry. Didn’t mean to be so blunt about it, but I’m just not interested in
being used.
[Big Jim exits. Aggrippina exits.]
AGGRIPPINA: Have you seen The Poet?
EMILIA: He went that way.
AGGRIPPINA: I can’t believe you still don’t like him.
[Aggrippina exits.]
EMILIA: Neither can I.
[Emilia exits. St. Valentine and Doctor Gachet enter from opposite directions simultaneously. St. Valentine is holding his rose at his side in one hand. Doctor Gachet is tearing the petals off his rose.]
DOCTOR GACHET: It’s surprisingly easy how plans fall apart. Everything you pin
your dreams on falls away piece by piece until all you have left is the skeleton of a plan. A moment here, a moment there. It’s all so fragile. It could so easily go in a thousand different directions, blown here and there by the wind.
ST. VALENTINE: There’s no way of predicting love. There’s no way of ensuring
against indifference. You do what you can. You can’t expect miracles.
DOCTOR GACHET: I suppose I should roll up my sleeves and get back to work.
Do you believe in happy endings?
ST. VALENTINE: Mine was always that
DOCTOR GACHET: Hm. No miracles, huh?
[Doctor Gachet shrugs and exits.]
ST. VALENTINE: I said you can’t expect miracles.
[St. Valentine drops the rose to the ground and exits. Lights fade out. Music.]
Scene 8 – Renegade
The Old West
again. Diamond Lil’s Saloon. Diamond Lil is at the bar. Desperado enters.
DESPERADO: Afternoon, Lil.
DIAMOND LIL: Afternoon, Desperado. What’ll it be?
DESPERADO: Something to assuage my thirst, Lil.
DIAMOND LIL: Assuage…that’s a pretty big word.
DESPERADO: I’m finding that no amount of drinking keeps me from thirsting for that
which I desire.
DIAMOND LIL: Where’d you pick up the fancy grammar, Desperado?
DESPERADO: I’ve been reading the poetry of John Keats, and Percy Bysshe Shelley.
DIAMOND LIL: That’s awful educated of you, Desperado.
DESPERADO: Strange things happen to people when they are struck
by the missiles of Eros.
DIAMOND LIL: You should have ducked.
[The Sherriff and The Deputy enter, guns drawn.]
SHERRIFF: End of the line, Desperado. End of the line.
DEPUTY: That’s right, Desperado, end of the line.
SHERRIFF: Last stop on the dusty trail.
DEPUTY: Last night of Ballyhoo.
SHERRIFF: End of the road.
DEPUTY: Last exit to Brooklyn.
SHERRIFF: Bottom of the ninth.
DEPUTY: Three bat hairs north of Alaska.
SHERRIFF: Yer comin’ with us. I suggest you drop yer guns and come along
peacefully.
DESPERADO: Yer a fool if you think you can take me down, Sherriff. I’m the fastest
draw in this part of the range. I could’ve shot you down thirty seconds ago, but I won’t do it here. Not in front of Lil.
SHERRIFF: Drop yer guns, Desperado.
DESPERADO: You wouldn’t shoot me down in front of the woman I love, would you?
DIAMOND LIL: Actually, Desperado, he would. I set you up. The truth is I see you as
more of a quirky sidekick or more of a crusty friend than a lover. It’s not that I don’t think you have a certain rugged appeal, per se, but I’m looking for someone more refined when it comes to having a relationship. I hope you understand.
DESPERADO: Oh.
[Desperado draws his gun and the Sherriff and the Deputy shoot him down in a blaze of gunfighting as the lights black out. Music.]
Scene 9 – Mad About NASA
A room. Jane and Elmer are in the middle of a big
discussion.
JANE: Elmer, I can’t go on like this.
ELMER: I didn’t know we were going anywhere.
JANE: We are not we. You and I are not we.
And don’t get hung up on the “and” either. It’s not a bridge, it’s a wall.
“You” and “me” are permanently separated by that “and.”
ELMER: What do you know about permanence?
JANE: Don’t get snippy with me! I’m saying this so we can define some boundaries.
ELMER: This is about that astronaut, isn’t it?
JANE: What are you talking about? This isn’t about the astronaut. Are you high?
ELMER: You have a thing for the astronaut. I should have known.
JANE: This isn’t about the astronaut. This is about you and me.
ELMER: There is no you and me. There’s only you and the astronaut.
I’m not in that equation.
JANE: I don’t know why you have to make this difficult?
ELMER: I don’t know why we have to do this in the first place.
I guess I should ask the astronaut.
JANE: It’s not about the astronaut at all. I wish you could understand that.
ELMER: I’m sorry. I can’t comprehend. I’m not an astronaut.
[Blackout. Music.]
Scene 10 – Mendacity
The Poet
enters. Aggrippina follows.
THE POET: The mendacity of love is matched only by the paroxysm of heartbreak.
The heart is a fragile organ, but sometimes it sounds like a tin whistle.
I love you, I love you, I don’t love you and suddenly you love me.
It’s a perfect trick, this love, this infatuation, this semiotic mess of mixed signals.
What the hell happened?
AGGRIPPINA: That was beautiful, Poet. I don’t know how you do it.
THE POET: I bleed on paper. Sometimes it looks pretty.
AGGRIPPINA: I wish you weren’t so hurt. I wish you could love me.
THE POET: I gave up on love when I gave my copies of Keats and Shelley
to a drifter.
AGGRIPPINA: I love you.
THE POET: And I love Emilia.
AGGRIPPINA: And Emilia loves Big Jim.
THE POET: And Big Jim loves trees.
AGGRIPPINA: I have to hand it to Big Jim, he’s got the right idea.
AGGRIPPINA & THE POET: No one was ever rejected by a tree.
[They look at each other.]
THE POET: I’m not in love with you.
AGGRIPPINA: I know.
[Blackout.]
Scene 11 – Dancing in the Dark
Dancer Woman enters.
DANCER WOMAN: The truth is I don’t like to communicate in words. I find that
movement is more expressive. Not everybody appreciates the language of the human form. Not everybody speaks that language. Like any other language, though, the body can lie. It can say things it doesn’t mean. And it can conceal things that it means, but doesn’t say. I don’t mean to be so inarticulate, but words fail me. Words fail. It’s just that—following your heart sounds like a great idea, but I guess it depends on where your heart is going.
[The Writer enters.]
THE WRITER: You know it can all be changed in an instant. You have the power.
I have the power.
DANCER WOMAN: To do what? To make someone who doesn’t love me decide to
love me? What kind of fantasy do you think you’re living in?
THE WRITER: Listen, what if you and I were to fall in love right here, right now.
Fate will have made everything work out. We weren’t meant to be with those other people. We were meant to be with each other.
DANCER WOMAN: But I don’t even know you. And you don’t look like my type.
Sorry.
[Dancer Woman exits. The Writer is paralyzed. The Economist enters.]
THE ECONOMIST: Thank goodness I found you.
Listen, I think we should be together. We’re like the head and the heart.
We belong together. We are compatible. It’s not about profit, it’s about love.
THE WRITER: I thought you wanted a lawyer.
THE ECONOMIST: I wanted you. A lawyer’s money would be nice.
THE WRITER: Then find a lawyer.
THE ECONOMIST: I told you I was wrong.
THE WRITER: You still want the lawyer’s money.
[Pause.]
THE WRITER: Then find a lawyer.
THE ECONOMIST: I could never talk to a lawyer. You’re more interesting.
And that’s what counts.
THE WRITER: Until you find a lawyer.
[Silence.]
THE WRITER: I don’t want to be a writer anymore.
I’d rather do something that makes a difference.
THE ECONOMIST: Oh.
[The Writer exits. Dancer Man enters. He sidles up to The Economist.]
THE ECONOMIST: I know this may sound surprising to you, but I’m not falling for
your supposedly charming ways.
[The Economist
exits. Dancer Man is left alone. Big Jim enters.
Dancer Man looks at him.]
BIG JIM: No thanks, I prefer plant life.
[Dancer Man exits. Nurse Graves.]
BIG JIM: Some people say that music can change any mood.
NURSE GRAVES: That’s a pile of horseshit.
BIG JIM: Yeah, that’s just what I think.
[The look at each other.]
BIG JIM: It’s a beautiful night.
NURSE GRAVES: Yeah.
[Silence.]
NURSE GRAVES: This would be where we would fall in love if we were going
to fall in love.
BIG JIM: Another place, another time.
NURSE GRAVES: Another place, another time.
[Lights. Music.]
Scene 12 – It’s about the Astronaut
A rocket ship. Three chairs are set up so that three
astronauts are lying on their backs on the ground. The astronauts are Jane, Otis, and Lance Thruster. A countdown voice can be heard.
VOICE: Thirty seconds and counting.
JANE: Lance, I think we should have a talk.
LANCE THRUSTER: A talk?
VOICE: Twenty-five seconds and counting.
JANE: I think I should tell you something.
LANCE THRUSTER: Go ahead, Jane. Feel free to say whatever you want.
JANE: I feel like you should know—
LANCE THRUSTER: Go ahead and be honest, we’re going to spend a few months
together, after all.
VOICE: Twenty seconds and counting.
LANCE THRUSTER: Otis, how are we doing on the maximalizer settings.
OTIS: Umm, okay, I guess.
JANE: Lance, I love you. I want to sleep with you. I think you’re hot.
OTIS: Oh, God.
VOICE: Fifteen seconds and counting.
JANE: I want you, Lance.
LANCE THRUSTER: Well, Jane. I think it’s flattering that you like me—
JANE: I can’t believe this.
VOICE: Ten seconds and counting.
LANCE THRUSTER: But you’re not my type of woman. You’re too brainy.
JANE: I don’t believe this.
VOICE: Four, three, two, one. Engines are go.
LANCE THRUSTER: Going to thrusters.
OTIS: Thrusters are go.
JANE: I’m too smart for you!
VOICE: We have liftoff.
LANCE THRUSTER: I don’t find you attractive.
JANE: Oh, God.
[There is a pause as we see the effects of exiting the atmosphere on their faces.]
JANE: I can’t believe this is happening.
LANCE THRUSTER: Sorry, Jane. Don’t get me wrong, I may still have sex with you.
JANE: Oh, God.
[There is an uncomfortable pause.]
OTIS: This is agony.
[Lights fade. Music.]
Scene 13 – Nomads
Elmer and Wilma
enter.
ELMER: I hate astronauts.
WILMA: I know just what you mean.
ELMER: I hate how hard it is to make a decision that will change the rest of your life.
And I hate how easy it is to close every door in the world with just a single word.
WILMA: I know what you mean. Do you think that you and I could—
ELMER: I don’t think we’re the kind of people that need other people.
WILMA: I guess you’re right.
ELMER: We’re nomads. We don’t stop. We go on and on forever.
WILMA: More people should be like nomads. Then it wouldn’t be so lonely.
ELMER: Everytime I think I don’t want to be alone I find another reason why I have to
be alone.
WILMA: I guess once the wall is there it doesn’t matter who built it.
I think we have that in common.
ELMER: We’re alike, in a way.
WILMA: I guess we are.
[Elmer and Wilma exit in different directions. Dr. Gachet enters.]
DOCTOR GACHET: I’ve torn up every flower in this city.
She loves me not—everytime.
[Doctor Gachet exits. Julia and St. Valentine enter from opposite directions. Valentine is carrying a rose.]
ST. VALENTINE: Julia. I know this doesn’t matter. I love you.
JULIA: I know.
[He touches her arm, hands her the rose and walks away. Lights fade.]
Scene 14 – “Take Me To Your Other Leader”
The surface of
another planet. Otis, Lance and Jane
enter.
LANCE THRUSTER: I can’t believe we made contact.
JANE: Yeah, it’s real exciting. I’m excited. Woo-woo.
LANCE THRUSTER: There’s no need to be negative.
OTIS: Oh, no.
JANE: I hate you.
LANCE THRUSTER: That’s not what you were saying earlier.
OTIS: Oh, God.
JANE: That was closer to it.
OTIS: Oh, God.
JANE: Why can’t you at least love me?
OTIS: Oh, God.
LANCE THRUSTER: Jesus, Jane. Lay off. For such a smart girl you don’t seem to get
that I don’t love you. Take what you can get. Can’t you see you’re tearing poor Otis here apart?
OTIS: This is agony.
LANCE THRUSTER: It’s okay, Otis. Everything will be alright.
[An alien, The Thrasher, enters. She is quite obviously attractive.]
THRASHER: I am The Thrasher. I am the leader of my people.
Welcome to our home.
LANCE THRUSTER: Well, it’s nice to meet you, Miss Thrasher. I’m Lance Thruster.
I’m an astronaut.
THRASHER: I think it would be wise if our people communicated closely in order to
foster good relations between our planets.
LANCE THRUSTER: That’s just what I was thinking. You know, Miss Thrasher,
I think you’re very attractive. I think I’d like to get to know you better.
[Pause.]
THRASHER: You’re not even the same species as me.
[Blackout.]
Scene 15 – “It might just be a lunatic you’re looking for”
The Writer enters.
THE WRITER: This isn’t what I thought it would be. I thought love was supposed to
be about taking someone into your heart. I thought that you met someone and they met you and that was it. Something sparked and it all turned out alright, because someone was there for you, to share something with you.
What I didn’t take into account was just how thin the paper is that all these fantasies were written on.
“Love at first was such an easy thing, But ah! The Hard Awakening.”
[The Writer takes out a sign that reads “Ex-Writer Available for Dinner”.
A woman enters (any of the women of the cast) carrying a purse. She sees him.
He sees her. He looks at her with a breath of expectation. She pulls out a sign from her purse that reads FUCK OFF! She exits. Blackout.]
Scene 16 – Say Yes?
Emilia enters. She goes to a door and knocks on it. It cracks open.
EMILIA: Hi. I’m out on a limb here and the fact of the matter is sometimes you have to
go out on a limb and try, right? I was wrong. I didn’t think there was much to you. I underestimated you. I decided that you weren’t attractive, that you weren’t my type. I couldn’t see a future with you, or I couldn’t see a present with you—I don’t know. You see, I was like the Captain of the Titanic and you were my iceberg. I couldn’t see the part of you that was hidden under the surface. I guess I misjudged you. I don’t know if you can forgive me for that. But if you could, wouldn’t it be nice? I mean, what if Roxanne had realized that it was Cyrano she loved before it was too late? Wouldn’t she have run to him and told him? That’s what I’m doing now. I was less than kind to you. Now we have a chance to make it right. I don’t know what you saw in me then—when I was so hurtful, when I just didn’t think much of you—but whatever you saw in me then, can’t you see it now? If you can, just say yes. Please.
[The door cracks open a little, then it is slammed…hard. Blackout. Music.]