Space Marmots IV: Space Marmots vs. The Galactic Goop
a short play
by William M. Razavi
A flash of light and a loud crashing chirp.
Lights.
Siegfried, a man in black, holsters a pistol-like weapon. A puff of smoke (where available) rises from the chair opposite him. We are in a cantina on a distant planet in a distant galaxy filled with distant aliens.
Fizbin, the barkeep, goes over to the table.
Some sort of band consisting of a trashcan a couple of aliens and another device or two stands silenced in the background.
FIZBIN: Siegfried, what are you doing to me? You’re killing my business. That’s the third person you’ve vaporized today.
SIEGFRIED: I didn’t vaporize that second one. I just lightly seared him.
FIZBIN: You chargrilled him with that gun of yours. If he hadn’t been a chickenman it would have been a total loss.
SIEGFRIED: I paid for his drink.
FIZBIN: It’s the principle of the matter. Shooting people is bad for business.
SIEGFRIED: He shot first.
FIZBIN: We have it on the videodisk.
Pause.
SIEGFRIED: Well, that can always be edited.
FIZBIN: Don’t bother. I like it better when you shoot first. It’s more honest that way. People know where they stand with you. If you’re gonna shoot, shoot. Don’t shoot and lie, it’s really unbecoming. Alright, what’s everyone looking at. Go on. Nothing to see here.
Music.
FIZBIN: So, who was this one?
SIEGFRIED: Another bounty hunter from the Goop Lord.
FIZBIN: The Goop Lord? That’s serious business.
SIEGFRIED: I know. I need a drink. Another fangblat.
FIZBIN: Another fangblat? That’s serious stuff. What’s your problem with the Goop Lord?
SIEGFRIED: Overdue library books.
FIZBIN: The Goop Lord wants you dead or alive for library books?
SIEGFRIED: They’re seriously overdue.
FIZBIN: I see. I’ll get your drink.
SIEGFRIED: Say, Fizbin?
FIZBIN: Yeah?
SIEGFRIED: Does that band play anything else?
FIZBIN: If you want them to play something else you’ll have to teach it to them yourself. Otherwise they seem rather attached to this one.
SIEGFRIED: Someone’s gonna have to fix that.
Princess Finuala and Marmot #5 enter nervously.
SIEGFRIED: Enter the dame. Hey Fizbin!
FIZBIN: Yeah?
SIEGFRIED: Who’s the dame?
FIZBIN: Oh, so suddenly you’re attentive to the dames.
SIEGFRIED: What?
FIZBIN: What am I? Chopped wamprat?
SIEGFRIED: No, but she’s–
FIZBIN: Way out of your league.
SIEGFRIED: We’ll see about that. Who is she?
FIZBIN: Princess Finuala of the Marmot Confederation. Fugitive from the Goop Conglomerate.
SIEGFRIED: Marmots? I thought they were all small and furry.
FIZBIN: Space marmots. Different thing altogether.
SIEGFRIED: I can see that.
FIZBIN: Well, what’s your move, hotshot? Are you going to walk over and vaporize her?
SIEGFRIED: I’m gonna play it cool.
FIZBIN: Good luck with that.
PRINCESS FINUALA: This is the place you bring me? This is a dump, a dive, a real hole in the ground. I’m a princess. This is a sty. I’m going to have to disinfect my shoes when we’re out of here.
MARMOT #5: This is the last place the Goop Conglomerate will look for you.
PRINCESS FINUALA: I’ll bet the second to last place had clean bathrooms. I should demote you to Marmot Third Class for dragging me into this hive.
MARMOT #5: This hive is what’s keeping us alive. The Goop Lord wouldn’t be caught dead in this place.
PRINCESS FINUALA: Neither should I. Because it’s dirty. And look at these people–filthy. Every one of them. Especially that one. A few days of torture and a painful slow death in the Goop Lord’s dungeon would be a relief after this.
MARMOT #5: You’re the last free leader of the Marmot High Council. If you should fall into the Conglomerate’s hands–
PRINCESS FINUALA: We’d all be in trouble. Sure, sure. You do realize we have a whole second tier of leadership in the Council, right?
MARMOT #5: We do?
PRINCESS FINUALA: Don’t you lower level marmots ever read the bureaucratic newsletter?
MARMOT #5: I’d think the answer to that would be self-evident.
PRINCESS FINUALA: And what is with this music?
MARMOT #5: It’s a good tune.
PRINCESS FINUALA: It’s so old-timey. Hey! Do you know anything else? Hey! You!
Music stops. Silence.
PRINCESS FINUALA: I said "Don’t you know anything else?"
Shrugs all around. Music resumes.
MARMOT #5: Way to draw attention to yourself.
PRINCESS FINUALA: What?
MARMOT #5: We’re supposed to lie low.
Siegfried gets up and walks over to their table.
SIEGFRIED: What’s a princess like you doing in a hive like this?
PRINCESS FINUALA: What makes you think I’m a princess?
SIEGFRIED: Your charm, your sense of style, that radiant aura around you.
MARMOT #5: Please.
PRINCESS FINUALA: Tell me more.
SIEGFRIED: You look like a discerning type of lady. Out of place in these dusty environs.
MARMOT #5: Oh, come on.
SIEGFRIED: I could escort you around this place if you’d like.
MARMOT #5: Who do you think I am?
SIEGFRIED: A pesky marmot.
MARMOT #5: I am the Royal Escort.
SIEGFRIED: Why don’t I buy you a drink?
MARMOT #5: What?
SIEGFRIED: Here. Take this up to the bar. Get yourself something nice. Knock yourself out.
MARMOT #5: Gee, thanks.
Marmot #5 goes over to the bar.
SIEGFRIED: There’s a nice little marmot.
PRINCESS FINUALA: So, what do you do?
Lizard enters. She goes straight for Siegfried.
LIZARD: Hello, Siegfried.
SIEGFRIED: Um…hello.
PRINCESS FINUALA: Who are you?
LIZARD: Maybe he should tell you.
Princess looks at Siegfried.
SIEGFRIED: She’s, uh…can I get you a drink?
LIZARD: Nice try. Why don’t you tell her who I am, Siegfried my love?
PRINCESS FINUALA: Love? Well.
SIEGFRIED: Now, now. I thought that was over.
LIZARD: You didn’t inform me.
PRINCESS FINUALA: I think I should go.
SIEGFRIED: Wait! No, don’t go. I–she’s my partner.
PRINCESS FINUALA & LIZARD: Partner?
SIEGFRIED: Oh, we had a thing, but it’s over. Really. Over. Way over.
PRINCESS FINUALA: Then why is she here?
LIZARD: Yes, why am I here?
SIEGFRIED: We have a business.
LIZARD: We do?
SIEGFRIED: Yes, you know–the smuggling operation.
LIZARD: Smuggling?
PRINCESS FINUALA: Smugglers! How rustic!
SIEGFRIED: I hope my line of business doesn’t offend you. I mean, since you’re a princess and all.
LIZARD: Princess? You’ve outdone yourself Siegfried. The last one was just a Baroness.
SIEGFRIED: Shhh!
PRINCESS FINUALA: I think smuggling is incredibly sexy.
SIEGFRIED: I thought you might.
PRINCESS FINUALA: What?
SIEGFRIED: I mean, you do?
PRINCESS FINUALA: I want to hear all about your daring adventures.
LIZARD: He’d love to chat, Princess, but we have to talk shop. Say b-bye for now.
SIEGFRIED: B-bye.
They go off to a corner.
SIEGFRIED: What is this about, Lizard?
LIZARD: I hope you’re enjoying your time with the Princess, Princess.
SIEGFRIED: Why?
LIZARD: Because when you’re done with her I’m going to shoot you.
SIEGFRIED: You’re going to shoot me?
LIZARD: Yes, Siegfried, it’s quite simple. I’ll sit you at a table and vaporize you. I’m sure you’ve seen it done.
SIEGFRIED: Yeah, I have. Just not the way I’d like to go.
LIZARD: I would guess not.
SIEGFRIED: I have a question. You’re going to let me have fling with the princess before you shoot me?
LIZARD: Yeah.
SIEGFRIED: Why don’t you just shoot me now?
LIZARD: I figure either the Princess is good, in which case your dying thought will be that you’ll never have a shot at that again–or, she sucks, it’s terrible and that disappointed feeling is what you die with.
SIEGFRIED: You’ve really thought this out.
LIZARD: I had plenty of time waiting for you to call.
SIEGFRIED: I should have called.
LIZARD: You should have called.
The Goop Lord enters, perhaps with a pair of minions and stands directly behind the Princess.
SIEGFRIED: Oh, shit.
The music stops. Silence.
MARMOT #5: So then the next thing I know I wake up in a tub full of ice, no pants, and an octopus attached to my–oh, fuck me!
Marmot #5 hides behind the bar immediately. Siegfried looks deeply into Lizard’s eyes.
SIEGFRIED: Lizard, kiss me.
LIZARD: I take it you never delivered that shipment.
SIEGFRIED: Shut up and kiss me.
LIZARD: You can be so irresponsible.
Siegfried hurls himself at Lizard who knocks him unconscious.
GOOP LORD: Has anyone seen this woman?
Goop Lord pulls out a poster and tries unsuccessfully to unfurl it.
GOOP LORD: Has anyone–oh, come on, come on. Can you hold this part?
Princess holds the bottom while Goop Lord unrolls the poster to reveal a perfect likeness of the Princess.
GOOP LORD: Has anyone seen this woman?
FIZBIN: Is there a reward?
GOOP LORD: No.
FIZBIN: Never seen her in my life.
GOOP LORD: Mind if I look around?
FIZBIN: Well, it might get in the way of–
GOOP LORD: Mind if I look around?
FIZBIN: No, go ahead. Well, what’s everyone looking at?
Music plays. Goop Lord looks around. Princess sits absolutely still, head down.
MARMOT #5: Is it safe to–
FIZBIN: Shhh! Stay down!
GOOP LORD: What was that?
FIZBIN: Infestation.
GOOP LORD: What kind of infestation?
FIZBIN: Woodchucks. Yeah, woodchucks, they get in all the fixtures and they…you know…chuck the wood and…it’s terrible.
GOOP LORD: So you talk to them?
FIZBIN: It soothes them. That way they STAY DOWN.
GOOP LORD: I see.
Goop Lord looks around some more. Silence from all. Music is still playing. Goop Lord finds Lizard and Siegfried.
LIZARD: Whatcha looking at, Sugar?
GOOP LORD: Don’t sass me.
LIZARD: I ain’t sassin’.
GOOP LORD: You’re sassin’ and I don’t like it.
LIZARD: Okay, I was sassin’. What’re you going to do about it? Punish me?
GOOP LORD: You’re hiding something.
LIZARD: I ain’t hiding.
GOOP LORD: Who’s that?
LIZARD: He’s–
FIZBIN: The entertainment.
GOOP LORD: He’s not very entertaining.
LIZARD: Drunk as a skunk. He always does this. Come on, Sunshine, it’s time for your big number.
SIEGFRIED: What?
FIZBIN: Your song.
SIEGFRIED: You’ve got to be kidding.
FIZBIN: You said you wanted a change of tune. Here’s your chance.
GOOP LORD: He looks familiar.
FIZBIN: He has that kind of face.
GOOP LORD: I’m sure I know him.
SIEGFRIED: Alright–one, two, one two three go!
They play Private Idaho. Princess Finuala makes a break for it. Goop Lord chases her around. Marmot runs interference with Fizbin’s subtle assistance. Siegfried and Lizard put on quite a show. The chase lasts for approximately three minutes and thirty-eight seconds, give or take, by which time the Princess is in disguise as part of the band.
GOOP LORD: I know you. You’re–
SIEGFRIED: Wait! I’ve got another song.
Rock Lobster plays. Goop Lord looks around for a while, but finally gives up and heads for the bar.
GOOP LORD: I need a drink.
Marmot #5 pops up.
MARMOT #5: Whew! That was close!
GOOP LORD: A-ha!
PRINCESS FINUALA: You idiot!
GOOP LORD: A-ha!
SIEGFRIED: What is wrong with you people?
GOOP LORD: A-ha!
SIEGFRIED: Enough with the a-has!
GOOP LORD: I’ve caught you.
SIEGFRIED: No, you’ve found us. There’s a difference.
GOOP LORD: What’s the difference?
SIEGFRIED: I prefer a straight fight.
GOOP LORD: That’s so cleesh.
LIZARD: It’s pronounced clee-shay.
GOOP LORD: Are you sassin’ me again?
FIZBIN: Ixnay on the assinsay.
SIEGFRIED: Come on Gooper-Dooper, don’t you prefer a straight fight?
GOOP LORD: Actually, I prefer to hunt people down using overwhelming force.
PRINCESS FINUALA: Where’s your overwhelming force now?
GOOP LORD: A slight miscalculation.
SIEGFRIED: It’s a showdown then.
GOOP LORD: Seems so.
FIZBIN: Alright, the game is Showdown. The Goop Lord is favored at three to two. Seven to one long shot for Siegfried the man in black. Do I have any takers? Alright, step right up, step right up.
GOOP LORD: I’m going to kill you, Siegfried.
SIEGFRIED: I know you are, but what am I…going…to do.
FIZBIN: All bets closed.
Pause. Music. Something from a spaghetti western showdown.
Goop Lord and Siegfried pace the corners of a square as the music plays. The tension is palpable. Really palpable. Very palpable. If palp was orange juice we could make a lot of orange juice from this much palpability. The pacing seems go on forever. Lizard, Fizbin, Marmot #5 and the Princess have all bitten off most of their fingernails.
The showdown seems to last forever but actually it’s only one minute and fifty-one seconds. Music ends. Silence. Siegfried draws and shoots. Flash and bang. The Goop Lord falls.
GOOP LORD: You shot me.
SIEGFRIED: Yeah, I did.
Siegfried goes over to a table, takes a drink and walks off slowly. Music.
PRINCESS FINUALA: That was it.
FIZBIN: Yep. And now he’s walking away. He’ll get into his ship and he’ll fly off.
LIZARD: Yeah, that’s what he’ll do. That’s what they all do. They always leave. That’s what they do. Leave. Go away. Ride into the sunset. Fade away. Exit.
PRINCESS FINUALA: What about me?
LIZARD: It’s just what he does. He leaves.
PRINCESS FINUALA: But he comes back, right? Tell me he comes back. Siegfried! Come back, Siegfried! Come back!
GOOP LORD: I’ve been shot.
MARMOT #5: What do we do?
FIZBIN: Have a drink. Watch the Goop Lord die.
LIZARD: And then have another.
FIZBIN: And another. Until tomorrow. Then we start again.
Lights fade. Music swells.