Prologue

Flashes of light, an ominous rumble.  A single swivel chair downstage center.
Sitting in the chair is Star Kitten, a fighter pilot with the requisite flight suit and helmet.
Sounds of radio static in the background and a mumble through a bullhorn.

STAR KITTEN: This is Star Kitten, I read you.

BULLHORN:  [Mumble.]

STAR KITTEN: Copy that.  Are you sure?

BULLHORN:  [Emphatic mumble.]

STAR KITTEN: Roger, Rubber Duck.

[A big flash of light and an ominous rumble.  Clash of cymbals.  Another part of the stage reveals 3 stationary chairs.  They are occupied by The Bodeans sitting “Cylon style” with two in front and the leader in the back at the point of the triangle.  They are neatly dressed perhaps in matching denims or flannels.  (Maybe all in black, but that might be a bit cliché.)]

STAR KITTEN: Copy that Rubber Duck.  I see them now.

BODEAN 1: Do you have them in your sights?

BODEAN 2: Almost.

BULLHORN:  [Mumble.]

STAR KITTEN: I’m going in for a closer look.

BODEAN 2: I’ve got the fighter escort in my sights now.

[Ominous rumble.]

BODEAN 1: Take them out.

BODEAN 3: Prisoners?

BODEAN 1: Okay, but just this once.

[They lean in.  Flash of light.  Laser sounds.]
BULLHORN: [Mumble.]

STAR KITTEN: I can’t get them off my tail.

BULLHORN:  [Mumble.] Star Kitten. [Mumble.]

BODEAN 1: Fire!

[Flash of light.  STAR KITTEN leans to one side.]

STAR KITTEN: That was close.

BULLHORN: [Mumble.]

BODEAN 1: Fire!

[A hit.  A palpable hit.]

STAR KITTEN: I’m hit.  I’m losing engine power.

BODEAN 2: We’ve got them.

BODEAN 3: Hit confirmed.

BODEAN 1: Activate tractor beam.

BODEAN 3: Tractor beam activated.

BULLHORN:  [Mumble technojargon.]

STAR KITTEN: This is Star Kitten.  I can’t hold them off any longer.  I’m going down.

BULLHORN:  Star Kitten!

[A puff of smoke. Another part of the stage reveals VEGA, a folk-singer/waif/princess and a pilot, BULLHORN, who is standing with his bullhorn.]

BULLHORN:  Shit.

Lights out.
 
 
 
 

OPENING CREDITS

Overture plays.  As the rousing opening music plays we see a spotlight on some sort of easel with a large notepad on it.  Standing on either side of the easel are two people with gas masks on.  They are the SYNDICATE GIMPS.  They turn the pages of the large pad.
The music goes on as the audience reads. (You may choose to also have a voiceover narrator, but only if you can find James Earl Jones or the late John Huston or the even later John Houseman.)

A LONG TIME AGO
OR PERHAPS SOME TIME AFTER THAT
(WELL, ACTUALLY WE HAVE NO IDEA WHEN)
IN A GALAXY SO FAR AWAY
THAT YOU WOULD NEED A TELESCOPE
WITH A LENS
THE SIZE OF THE CRIMEAN PENINSULA
JUST TO SEE THE OUTSKIRTS OF IT
A CONFLICT HAS BROKEN OUT
BETWEEN THE PEACEFUL PEOPLE OF THE FOLK ALLIANCE
AND THE EVIL MINIONS OF THE BODEAN EMPIRE.

THE BODEANS, IN LEAGUE WITH THE FORCES
OF THE ALL-CONTROLLING SYNDICATE
HAVE CONSPIRED TO MONOPOLIZE
THE GALACTIC SUPPLY OF TANG
THE REFRESHING FREEZE-DRIED ORANGE BEVERAGE
WHICH IS ALSO A GOOD SUPPLY OF VITAMIN C.

WHILE THE BRAVE HEROES OF THE PEACEFUL FOLK ALLIANCE
GATHER SUPPORT FOR THEIR STRUGGLE TO END THE CONTROL
OF THE BODEANS AND THE EVIL SYNDICATE
THE BODEANS HAVE PUT THEIR SUB-CONTRACTORS TO WORK
ON A PROJECT DESIGNED TO UNLEASH THE LEGENDARY POWER
OF THE MOST FEARSOME FORCE IN THE GALAXY…

THE DINGO STAR

MEANWHILE…
ON THE BACKWATER MOSTLY DESERT PLANET OF BONG
A YOUNG MAN NAMED LUKA DREAMS OF
THE BIG TIME.

End of rousing overture.  The Syndicate Gimps take the easel offstage.  The bewildered audience applauds politely.

THE GENERAL
 

The General walks on in full regalia like George C. Scott from the opening scene in Patton.  Appropriate music plays.  An echo of trumpet fanfare etc.  The banner of the Folk Alliance hangs in the background.

VOICE:  Ten-shun!

The General looks around, pleased.

GENERAL:  At ease. [Pause.]  Now, some of you may be wondering why you’re here.
 Some of you may not be so sure that you’re ready to join in the glorious mission
of the Folk Alliance and all that hooha.  Some of you, most of you, are a little anxious, a little worried.  Some of you may be having second thoughts about trying to take on the overwhelming firepower of the Bodeans.  You think we may not have the stuff to succeed.
Some of the more mathematically inclined among you have probably calculated the odds and don’t like to be outnumbered three to one.
Some of you may just want to crap in your pants and call for your mommies.
Oh, sure, you don’t care if you get called “Crappy Pants” for the rest of your life.
You don’t care if people come up to you and say “Hey!  Didn’t you crap in your pants and run to your mommy?”  You don’t care if you ruin a perfectly good pair of pants-- not to mention underpants—so long as you’re still alive to hear yourself being degraded.
Well, let me tell you right now.  War is no piece of cake.  If it was, they’d stop calling it “war” and start calling it “piece of cake.”  Sure, it’s scary.  It’s lonely and it’s scary and it’s smelly and sometimes you eat something with a hair in it and you puke your guts out and all your buddies start calling you “puke face” or “the Regurgitator.”  Sure, the Bodeans outnumber us three to one.  But each of their fighter ships holds three of them so really we’d be about even if had a few hundred more ships.
Sure, it would be real easy to surrender and pay a little more for Tang and other utilities.  It would be real easy to wave your little hankies in the air and call it a day and go home tonight and watch some space wrestling on the old Galactic cable.  But I’ll tell you this about courage and duty: No matter what you’ve heard, no matter what glorious stories you’ve read about or seen in the movies,
It’s no piece of cake to be called “Crappy Pants” for the rest of your life.
That is all.

Music and lights.
 
 
 
 

THE PLANET BONG

A lonely stretch of road on the backwater planet of Bong.
Bodean 2 and Bodean 3 enter in mid conversation.

BODEAN 2: So then I say “Hey, this tentacle’s no good.  Give me another!” and the
 waiter says, “There weren’t supposed to be any tentacles in that salad.”

[They laugh heartily at the old Tentacle in the salad joke.]

BODEAN 3: That’s a good one.

BODEAN 2: So how many more recruits do we need to shanghai to meet our quota?

BODEAN 3: We’ve already got the quota.

BODEAN 2: Great, we can head to the cantina.

BODEAN 3: We can’t do that.  We have incentive bonuses.  If we get just one more
  recruit we get a week of vacation on the lush shopping planet of Burlap.

BODEAN 2: Ooh, that does sound nice.  Let’s see who we can find.

[They exit and hide.  Luka and Jimmy, the Orangeseller enter from opposite directions.]

LUKA:  Jimmy.

JIMMY:  Luka.

LUKA:  Jimmy.

JIMMY:  Luka.

LUKA:  Jimmy.

JIMMY:  Limmy.

LUKA:  Juka?

[Jimmy pulls out his blaster. Luka flinches.]

JIMMY:  Who taught you how to play the word game?

LUKA:  Kermit the Hermit.

JIMMY:  You’ve learned well.
LUKA:  The Hermit is wise, but smelly.

JIMMY:  The Hermit is smelly, but wise.

LUKA:  How’s the orange business, Jimmy?

JIMMY:  It stinks.

LUKA:  Like a banana?

JIMMY:  Yeah, like a banana.  One day you’re trying to make a living selling citrus on a
 mostly desert planet and it sounds like a good bet.
It’s a hot place, people need refreshment.

LUKA:  People get thirsty.

JIMMY:  Exactly.  But still, sales are, shall we say, lagging, because people get their
fruit elsewhere or they get it in the form of powdered beverages.

LUKA:  That stuff is good.

JIMMY:  I don’t deny that.  So I do what I can to make sure the orange is well
represented in the world of tasty outerspace powders and then one day the supply dries out.

[They share a look and let the joke pass them by.]

JIMMY:  People suck.

LUKA:  You said it.

JIMMY:  The system of supply and demand sucks.  Big business bites.
And this Bodean blockade bites the big one.

LUKA:  So what are you going to do about it?

JIMMY:  I don’t know yet.  But it’s gonna be big.  You just wait and see.
Good day, Luka.

LUKA:  Good day, Jimmy.

[Jimmy exits.  Wade enters.  Wade is the cool one.]

WADE:  Luka!

LUKA:  Wade!
WADE:  What brings you to these parts?

LUKA:  I thought I’d get out of the shack and get some dust.

WADE:  I was just on my way to Hanrahan Station to pick up some power converters.
Do you want anything?

LUKA:  Nah.  I’ve got enough power converters at the shack.

WADE:  Alright.  I’ll see you later then.

LUKA:  Hey Wade?

WADE:  Yeah?

LUKA:  Do you ever feel like getting off this planet?

WADE:  Sure, sometimes.  But, then there’s so much to see and do right here on Bong.
 I mean, when was the last time you went to the Great Salt Lick?

LUKA:  Never.

WADE:  See.  And that’s just four q-berts from here.  There’s a lot more to places than
what you see every day.  You just have to look at it in a different way.

[Bodean 2 and Bodean 3 appear and challenge Wade and Luka.]

BODEAN 2: You there, what’s your name?

WADE:  Wade.

BODEAN 3: Wade?

WADE:  Wade of the East Cables.

BODEAN 2: Well, Wade of the East Cables you have just a won a trip to Bodean Prime.

WADE:  What?

BODEAN 3: You’ve just been inducted into the navy of the Bodeans.  Pack your bags.

WADE:  I don’t have any bags.

BODEAN 2: Perfect.  We can leave now.

WADE:  I don’t want to go.
BODEAN 2: Very well then.  That’s perfectly alright…Seize him!

[Bodean 3 attempts to seize Wade.]

BODEAN 3: I could use…a little…hand here.

[Bodean 2 joins in the seizure.  Luka is completely ignored in this business.]

WADE:  Luka!  Save yourself!  Find the Folk Alliance, it’s our only hope!

BODEAN 2: The Folk Alliance can’t help you now.
They won’t even be able to save themselves once we sic the Dingo Star on them.  Come on, let’s get out of here.

LUKA:  The Dingo Star?

[The Bodeans exit with Wade. Luka is left alone, ashamed by his lack of action.  Jimmy enters.]

JIMMY:  Luka.

LUKA:  Jimmy.

JIMMY:  Luka.  You want an orange?

LUKA:  Yeah, I could actually use one right now.

JIMMY:  Well, that’s just great.  Finally someone wants a stinking orange.  Damn.
People suck.

LUKA:  I don’t understand.  What’s wrong with me wanting an orange?
That’s good, right?

JIMMY:  There aren’t any oranges anymore.
The Bodeans took them all for their Tang factories.

LUKA [spitting it out with venom]: The Bodeans.

JIMMY:  Goddamned Bodeans.

LUKA:  Rotten Bodeans.

JIMMY:  Rat dropping Bodeans.

LUKA [as if coining the phrase]:  Fucking Bodeans.

JIMMY:  Bat crap slurping Bodeans.

LUKA:  Yeah, bat crap.  There’s gotta be something we can do.

JIMMY:  Kick ‘em in their bat crap-slurping orange-hoarding price-gouging faces.

LUKA:  Come on Jimmy, we’re going to find the Folk Alliance.

JIMMY:  Sounds great.

[They start off.]

JIMMY:  Do you know how to find them?

LUKA:  I have no idea.

[Blackout.]
 
 

TRUE CONFESSIONS

Jimmy Dean of the Bodeans (hereafter referred to as JD) enters with Lackey and Sublackey in tow.  The Sublackey has a bottle of Coca-Cola and a filebox.  They enter with the Imperial theme from Star Wars or some suitably ominous type music. (Perhaps something by Peter Gabriel such as “Salisbury Hill.”)
When they stop moving the music stops.  When they start again the music starts again from the top.  This continues for a moment.

JIMMY DEAN: Lackey!

LACKEY:  Yessir.

JIMMY DEAN: What is the status on Project Thundertoot?

[Lackey motions to Sublackey who hands Lackey a file.]

LACKEY:  Thundertoot is due to be operational any day now.

JIMMY DEAN: Excellent.  Once the giant whistle is operational we can unleash the
power of The Dingo Star on every planet in the Galaxy.

SUBLACKEY:  So, how does this Dingo Star work?

LACKEY:  Our scientists have theorized that it essentially uses a process of
deconstruction to destabilize the binary oppositions of a planet to overturn the dominant force and then allow the planet to deconstruct itself into an endless play of meaning and not meaning.

SUBLACKEY:  Wouldn’t it just be easier to use something like giant laser teeth to grind
up the planets into bite-size pieces and then swallow them?

JIMMY DEAN: Come to think of it, that would be easier than all that deconstruction
mumbojumbo, but we can’t argue with science.

SUBLACKEY:  What’s the giant whistle for?

LACKEY: The giant whistle is to call The Dingo Star from its den.

SUBLACKEY:  Oh.

JIMMY DEAN: Are we ready to interrogate the prisoners?

LACKEY:  Yessir.

SUBLACKEY:  Yessir.
JIMMY DEAN: Alright, smiles everybody, smiles.

LACKEY:  Bring in the prisoner!

[Mean Joe Green of the Bodeans enters with a Provincial Lackey and Princess Vega and Bullhorn in tow. Italics in Vega’s speeches denote attempts to sing.]

JIMMY DEAN: Thank you Mean Joe.

MEAN JOE GREEN: No problem chief.

JIMMY DEAN: You may go.

[MJG heads off but is stopped by the Sublackey.]

SUBLACKEY:  Hey Mister!

[The Sublackey offers the Coke to Mean Joe.  Mean Joe drinks the entire Coke.]

MEAN JOE GREEN: Thanks.

[He tosses a jersey to the Sublackey and exits with the Provincial Lackey in tow.]

JIMMY DEAN: Well, if it isn’t Princess Vega of the Folk Alliance.

PRINCESS VEGA: Well, if it isn’t Jimmy Dean of the Bodeans.

JIMMY DEAN: Call me James.

BULLHORN:  [Mumble mumble.]

JIMMY DEAN: What did you say?

BULLHORN:  [Mumble.]…Unhand her.

JIMMY DEAN: That’s what I thought you said.  Lackey, strike this person.

Lackey motions to Sublackey who strikes Bullhorn.  Bullhorn falls.]

BULLHORN:  [Plaintive mumble.]

JIMMY DEAN: Take that thing away.

[Lackey motions to Sublackey who takes Bullhorn off.]

PRINCESS VEGA: You are so evil, Jimmy Dean.
JIMMY DEAN: Well, I’d like to believe that economic power removes the necessity for
overwhelming physical force, but who’s kidding whom?

PRINCESS VEGA: That’s the problem with your type.
Once you have one kind of power you’re willing to do anything to keep it.
But we’re not gonna take it anymore.

JIMMY DEAN: You know, you’re right!

PRINCESS VEGA: Man, I’m glad that’s settled, you know, ‘cause I could really use a
few moments here to chill out.

JIMMY DEAN: I think you’re forgetting one important thing.
You could almost say it is the most important thing.

PRINCESS VEGA: What’s that?

JIMMY DEAN: You are my prisoner…and that means you are here to sing like a bird.

PRINCESS VEGA: Like a bird on a wire?

JIMMY DEAN: No.

PRINCESS VEGA: Like some run-down old flat tire?

JIMMY DEAN: No.

PRINCESS VEGA:  ‘Cause I have tried in my way to be free.

JIMMY DEAN: You can make this easy or you can make it hard.

PRINCESS VEGA: But you can’t take it with you when you leave.

JIMMY DEAN: Would you like to give me the information I need?
I could make it very agreeable for you to talk.

PRINCESS VEGA: You can’t bribe everyone.
Which reminds me of this great song I heard—

JIMMY DEAN: Should I crush your resistance movement now or would you like me to
wait ‘til we get home?

[Vega strums her guitar thoughtfully.]
 
 

PRINCESS VEGA:  Oh I have dreamt of coffee
 I have dreamt of tea
 I have dreamed of a beverage that is right for me
 But as the moons shine bright over the many splendored seas
 I know dreams are just dreams until the orange is free.

 Everybody now

 I have dreamt of coffee
 I have dreamt of tea
 I have dreamed of a beverage that is right for me
 But as sure as I suffer from lack of Vitamin C
 I know dreams are just dreams until the orange is free.

JIMMY DEAN: You leave me no choice.  Lackey!

LACKEY:  Yessir.

JIMMY DEAN: Show her the device.

LACKEY:  The device?

JIMMY DEAN: Yes, show her the device.

LACKEY:  Show her the device?

JIMMY DEAN: Are you trying to deconstruct my sentence?

LACKEY:  No sir!

JIMMY DEAN: Then SHOW HER THE DEVICE.

LACKEY:  Show her the device!

[The Sublackey opens up the filebox and flourishes the device (an orange with sharpened pencils sticking out of it) in the proximity of Princess Vega.]

JIMMY DEAN: This is the device.  We have no idea what it’s for, but it’s the device.
Now, do you care to talk?

[She looks at the device and nods in shame.]

JIMMY DEAN: Excellent…Oh, don’t let it get you down.  Those are the breaks.
We can get you some granola and soy milk once this is through.
Now let’s have the interrogation questions.

[Lackey gets the questions from the Sublackey who puts away the device carefully.]

LACKEY:  Are you sure these are the questions?

[Sublackey shrugs and points to the box.  Lackey passes the questions to Jimmy Dean.]

JIMMY DEAN: Are you sure these are the questions?

[Lackey shrugs and points to Sublackey who points to the box.]

JIMMY DEAN: Well, alright I guess.  Let’s begin.
 Who put the “bomp” in the “bomp-a-domp-a-domp”?

[VEGA shrugs.]

JIMMY DEAN: Who put the “ram” in the “ramalamadingdong”?
 I said who put the “ram” in the “ramalamadingdong”?
 
PRINCESS VEGA: I don’t know.

JIMMY DEAN: We must know the answers.
Lackey, fetch the device, we have work to do.

[Lackey and Sublackey fetch the device and the three of them glower ominously at Vega who shrugs as if to say “I really don’t know.”  Blackout.]
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

THE GENERAL 2

The General enters as before.  A pair of assistants holding up a pair of pants with suspenders.

THE GENERAL: These are a pair of Mark IV pants -- standard issue with the Bodeans.
We lost thirteen spies trying to get these pants here.
I would ask that we take a moment of silence in their memories.
Not now, but some other time.
Now I needn’t remind you how important it is that we give the Bodeans a swift kick in the pants.  To do that we need to know their weak spots.
We have to hit them when they’re least expecting it in the place where they can least afford to be hit.
[He points to a strategic location or two on the pants as examples.]
It just so happens that we know a thing or two about the vulnerable points on the Mark IV pants.  This information cost us seventeen spies and three dozen ham sandwiches…[Eyes welling up. Slightly choked up.]  That was some good ham.
Some damn good ham…
At any rate the weakest points on their pant defense grid are here, here and here.
[Indicating the points where the suspenders are connected.]
You have to hit those three points in rapidfire succession.  If you can do that then their pants will fall down.  And if their pants are down victory can’t be far off.
Any questions?

A SOLDIER: What if they’re wearing belts?

THE GENERAL: We haven’t gotten the technical data about the Mark IX belt system
yet, but we have our best spies on that now.  Any other questions?  No?
Then good hunting and let’s drop some pants.

[Rousing chorus of singing Russians.  Slow fadeout as General leaves.]
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

THE PEOPLE OF THE DUCK

Lights. A title is revealed.

QUACKRON, THE PLANET OF THE DUCK PEOPLE

[A council of The People of the Duck is convened.  Various Duck characters.  Quacking.
Feathers flying.  Etc. Etc. Their leader, Roger Mallard takes control.  They take their places for the singing of The Duck Hymn [adapted from and with the tune of “The British Grenadiers.”  Mean Joe Green and the Provincial Lackey enter just before the Hymn and take their place along the margins.]

ROGER MALLARD: Please rise for the singing of The Duck Hymn.

[A duck call is sounded for a tuning note.]

ALL DUCKS: Some quack for Alexander and some for Hercules
  For Hector and Lysander and such great birds as these.
  But of all the world’s brave heroes
  there’s none that can compare
  With a quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack,
  for the Duckling Grenadiers.

  Whenever we’re commanded to stormy escapades,
  The Mallards march before us and get shot down in spades,
  We waddle on right past them through feathers, bills, and fears
  With a quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack,
  for the Duckling Grenadiers.

  And when the war is over we fly back to the pond
  The Lady Ducks to our calls swiftly do respond
  “Here come the Grenadiers,” they say,
  “Quick let’s hide all of the beer!”
  With a quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack,
  for the Du-uckling Grenadiers.

ROGER MALLARD: Thank you fellow Quackers.
Now, as you know we have some special guests here today--

[The crowd quacks agitatedly.]

ROGER MALLARD: Please.  I entreat you to give them your full attention and listen to
their proposal carefully.

[The crowd murmurs quacks of assent. Mean Joe Green and the Provincial Lackey step forward.]
MEAN JOE GREEN: People of Quackron.

PROVINCIAL LACKEY: Quackers.

MEAN JOE GREEN: What?

PROVINCIAL LACKEY: They call themselves Quackers.

MEAN JOE GREEN: That’s stupid.

PROVINCIAL LACKEY: I didn’t make it up.

MEAN JOE GREEN: Quackers is stupid.

[The crowd lets out a great Bronx Quack.]

ROGER MALLARD: Politeness, please.  The fate of Quackron is at stake.

 MEAN JOE GREEN: Alright you Quackers I’m Mean Joe Green--

PROVINCIAL LACKEY: Of the Bodeans.

MEAN JOE GREEN: Yeah.  Mean Joe Green…of the Bodeans.
And if you Quackers don’t surrender then we’re going to take the Dingo Star and turn your planet into a big honkin’ duck roast.
 
[A Duckling rises up with a Coca-Cola.]

DUCKLING: Hey mister!  You want my Coke?

MEAN JOE GREEN: Thanks kid.

[Mean Joe Green takes the Coke and downs the whole thing.  He tosses a jersey to the Duckling.]
 
MEAN JOE GREEN: Think it over.

PROVINCIAL LACKEY: Yeah, think it over.

[Mean Joe Green and the Provincial Lackey leave.  Quacks and murmurs.
Blackout.]
 
 
 
 

LUKA AND THE RESISTANCE

Luka and Jimmy enter.  Quinn, a big person with a bigger heart and a huge parka is fishing in a sandbox.

LUKA:  We’ve looked high and low for the Folk Alliance.
I don’t think there is a Folk Alliance.

JIMMY: You want an orange?

LUKA:  You have an orange?

JIMMY: You want an orange?

LUKA:  You have an orange?

JIMMY: We’ve looked high and low for the Folk Alliance.

LUKA:  I don’t think there is a Folk Alliance.

JIMMY:  You want an orange?

LUKA:   You have an orange?

JIMMY: You want an orange?

LUKA:   We’ve looked high and low for the Folk Alliance.

JIMMY: I don’t think there is a Folk Alliance.

LUKA:  I could really go for an orange.

JIMMY: You suck.

LUKA:  Why don’t we ask the guy over there if he knows where the Folk Alliance is?

JIMMY: You mean the sandfisher?

LUKA:  Yeah.  Excuse me.

QUINN:  You’re Luka, am I right?

LUKA:  Yeah.  How did you know?

QUINN: I’ve been waiting for you.

LUKA:  I was wondering if you knew—

QUINN: Have you tried looking downstairs?

LUKA:  You mean for—

QUINN:  For the Folk Alliance, of course.

LUKA:  Downstairs?

QUINN: Where else would you expect to find an underground movement?

LUKA:  Downstairs?

QUINN:  They must be expecting you.

LUKA:  Do you want to—

QUINN:  Come along?  No. I have a prior engagement.

[Luka and Jimmy head off.]

JIMMY:  Well, that was mysterious.

[They exit.
Quinn looks into the sandbox.]

QUINN:  Here, fishy fishy fishy!

[Lights fade out as he continues to fish ominously.]
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

THE PEOPLE OF THE COW

A title appears.

MEANWHILE, ON THE DARK SIDE OF ANGUS, THE THIRD MOON OF THE PLANET HEREFORD…

[Bodean 1, Bodean 2, and Bodean 3 are onstage in the midst of a crowd of Cows.
Moos and murmurs. There is a Chuckling Heifer as well as a Contended Cow who is smoking a cigarette and doing her best Bette Davis impersonation.]

THE CHUCKLING HEIFER: [Chuckles playfully.]

THE CONTENTED COW [in between puffs]: Moo.

BODEAN 2: It’s a planet full of cows.  I don’t see why we have to give them warning.
 We should just turn them into hamburger and be done with it.

BODEAN 1: That’s not the way we do things.
First we cajole, then we bribe, then we coerce.  There are a few other steps in between, but that’s the way we operate.  Why use brute force when we can get them to surrender without a fight?

BODEAN 3: Isn’t that dishonest?

THE CHUCKLING HEIFER:  [Chuckles dishonestly.]

THE CONTENTED COW: Moo.

BODEAN 1: We won’t be lying to them.  We’ll just be assuring them that following any
other course of action than the one we suggest will be foolish.

BODEAN 2: But they’re cows.  I don’t think our ultimatums will matter much to them.

THE CHUCKLING HEIFER: [Chuckles expectantly.]

THE CONTENTED COW: Moo.

BODEAN 1: Friends, Cows, lend me your ears.
I am here today on a mission of friendship.

THE CHUCKLING HEIFER: [Chuckles rudely.]

THE CONTENTED COW: Moo.

BODEAN 3: I don’t think they’re buying it.
BODEAN 2: They’re cows.  They’ll buy anything.

THE CHUCKLING HEIFER: [Chuckles sarcastically.]

THE CONTENTED COW: Moo.

BODEAN 1: We Bodeans are here today to give you some friendly advice.

[Moos of discontent.]

BODEAN 1: If you join us, you will be prosperous and will always have a market for
your milk and milk products.

[Moos of approval.]

BODEAN 1: But if you defy us—

[Moos of dissent.]

THE CHUCKLING HEIFER: [Chuckles defiantly.]

THE CONTENTED COW: Moo.

BODEAN 1: If you defy us, you will stand alone.  Alone against our might.
And we will use all the powers in our means.  We will boycott your milk and make sure that no one else can buy it either. And if push should come to shove we will use the power of the Dingo Star to destroy your planet and turn you into a big pile of well done prime rib.

[Moos of hate.  The Cows turn into an angry mob and pelt the Bodeans with empty milk cartons until they flee the stage.]

THE CHUCKLING HEIFER: [Chuckles bitterly.]

THE CONTENTED COW: Moo.

[Moos of discontent and bewilderment.  Blackout.]
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

THE SYNDICATE

Jimmy Dean, Lackey and Sublackey in full regalia in a waiting room.

SUBLACKEY: I don’t see why we have to be kept waiting.
It’s our giant whistle space station, after all.

LACKEY: The Syndicate Emissaries like to make an entrance.

SUBLACKEY: Yeah, I can smell them coming now.

JIMMY DEAN: Here come our illustrious business partners now.

[Ominous rumble.  Mood music.  Perhaps some fog.
The Syndicate Gimps enter with either a silver tray or with some sort of aquarium fixture with a big dead catfish (or a reasonable facsimile of one) suspended in a block of ice or lying on the tray or maybe caught in resin or something along those lines.
This is The Emissary of the Syndicate.
 (This should be done with some sort of voiceover.)]

JIMMY DEAN: Welcome, Emissary.

SYNDICATE EMISSARY: I see you have proceeded well with this installation.

JIMMY DEAN: Yes, Emissary.  Thanks to the influx of cash from our new monopolies
we have been able to speed up the construction.  I’ll let you in on a little secret.  This whistle is ready to blow.

SYNDICATE EMISSARY: Excellent.

JIMMY DEAN: And with our control of the supply of Tang all the pieces will be in
place for our domination of the galaxy.

SYNDICATE EMISSARY: And the Folk Alliance?

JIMMY DEAN: It is a matter of days until we crush them forever.

SYNDICATE EMISSARY: And their potential allies?

JIMMY DEAN: You know, you ask a lot of questions for a fish.

SYNDICATE EMISSARY: We are an inquisitive people.

SUBLACKEY:  And a smelly people.

SYNDICATE EMISSARY: I heard that.

JIMMY DEAN: You can assure The Syndicate that the Folk Alliance will find no allies
in this galaxy. Our representatives have been to each of the planets in the neutral zone and have proceeded to divide and conquer them.

SYNDICATE EMISSARY: Excellent.  You have done good work here, Jimmy Dean of
the Bodeans.

JIMMY DEAN: Aw, call me James.  You want a minnow or something.

SYNDICATE EMISSARY: No thank you.

The Syndicate Gimps take the Fish off ominously.  Puff of smoke etc.
Sublackey pulls out an aerosol air freshener and sprays it.
Blackout.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

THE FIRST INTERPLANETARY CONFERENCE ON BONG

A title appears.

MEANWHILE, BACK ON BONG…

[The Chairperson of the People of the Sand stands with an announcer who announces the representatives as they enter.  There are varied characters milling about. Some of these occasionally have things to say in the following exchanges.  They may e played by anyone in the company.]

ANNOUNCER:   The Ambassador from Quackron, Roger Mallard.

CHAIRPERSON: I’m glad to see the Quackers are represented here today.

ROGER MALLARD: We may waddle around and leave our droppings all over the
riversides, but we are a proud people.

ANNOUNCER:  The ambassadors from Angus, the third moon of the Planet Hereford.

THE CHUCKLING HEIFER: [Chuckles politely.]

THE CONTENTED COW: Moo.

ANNOUNCER:  The representatives for the People of the Funny Hat.

CHAIRPERSON: Welcome.  Welcome.  Those hats are funny.

[The crowd mills about for a second.]

CHAIRPERSON: Why don’t we get this show on the road?
Fellow…fellow…fellow…neutrals.  We are here to plot a course of action in conjunction with our allies of the Folk Alliance.  As you know, The Syndicate has taken control of the supply of Tang and the Bodeans have secretly been working on unleashing the power of…The Dingo Star.

[Ominous music. Crowd murmurs.]

ALL: Not the Dingo Star.

CHAIRPERSON: Yes, The Dingo Star.
Legend has it that it is the most powerful force in the galaxy.

BOB HOSKINS: I heard the Dingo Star shoots lasers out of its eyes.

EDNA FERBER: No, no, no! You’re thinking of The Laser Wolf.
EDITH WHARTON: Are they working on The Laser Wolf too?

HEDDA GABLER: No, that’s just a myth.

CATO: Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

ALL: Shut up, Cato!

CHAIRPERSON: Now, the legend says that The Dingo Star has big laser teeth which
chop planets into bite size morsels, which it then swallows.

BOB HOSKINS: I heard The Dingo Star lifts its leg and shoots flaming pee onto
planets.

DAVID LYNCH: Isn’t it more likely that it works on a principle of deconstruction
wherein it uses the binary oppositions in the planet to deconstruct themselves into an endless play of existence/not existence.

CHAIRPERSON: Yes, that is the most likely way it would work.

CLEOPATRA JONES: Couldn’t we just build some sort of shield?

ROGER MALLARD: No, that would just play into their hands.
They’d just deconstruct the shield.

CATO: Quis custodiet ipso custodes?

EDNA FERBER: Exactly!

DAVID LYNCH: What if we deconstruct the deconstruction?

CHAIRPERSON: That’s just what I was getting to.  There is another legend.

ALL: Another legend?

CHAIRPERSON: It says that one person will come from above to lead us to victory
over The Dingo Star.

[The sound of an elevator bell.  There is a moment of hushed silence as Luka enters with Jimmy following behind.]

LUKA: I can’t believe all this time the resistance was just a few floors under me.

JIMMY: You want an orange?

[They stop dead cold when they see the crowd.]
LUKA: Hi...I’m Luka.  I live upstairs.

[Roger Mallard stands up and begins to applaud slowly.  One by one the others stand up and also applaud until everyone is applauding.  They quiet down presently.]

LUKA: I guess you’ve heard of me before.

CHAIRPERSON: We’ve been expecting you.

LUKA: Really?

JIMMY: Anybody want an orange?

CHAIRPERSON: You have an orange?

JIMMY: You people suck.

CHAIRPERSON: So how will we destroy the Dingo Star?

LUKA: How should I know?  Fighter ships?

CHAIRPERSON: Fighter ships…yes…an excellent idea.
Why don’t you present your proposal to the Great Council?

LUKA: Well, it’s not really a proposal.

ALL: Speech! Speech!

CHAIRPERSON: The People of the Duck and the Cow and the Sand and the Funny Hat
are all waiting to hear from you.

LUKA: From me? Well…I guess.

CHAIRPERSON: Ladies and gentlemen, Ducks, Cows and Funny Hats I present to you
the hero who will face down the Dingo Star…Luka.

LUKA: Hi…my name is Luka.  I come to you not as a Duck or a Cow or a Funny Hat
or a Sand.

BOB HOSKINS: Do you mean “sand” as a plural or a singular?

EDITH WHARTON: Shouldn’t it be “grain of sand”?

ROSE OF SHARON: Maybe it’s a handful of sand.

DAVID LYNCH: You can’t just have a sand.
EDNA FERBER: Maybe he should have said Sandperson.

BOB HOSKINS: Couldn’t it be “person of sand”?

CLEOPATRA JONES: Quinn would know the answer.

ANNOUNCER:  Yes, Quinn would know.

LUKA: Who’s Quinn?

ANNOUNCER:  Quinn the Eskimo.

CHAIRPERSON: Quinn is the mightiest of our people.

BOB HOSKINS: The Mighty Quinn—you’ll not see nothing like him.

[There are three knocks.  The Announcer stands guard by an entrance.]

CHAIRPERSON: Give them the challenge.

ANNOUNCER:  Unhappy is the land that breeds no hero.

QUINN:  Unhappy is the land that needs a hero.

ANNOUNCER:  Quinn! Come on within!

[Quinn enters with some dried fish on a string and gives the Announcer a big bear hug. Bear hugs for all.]

ALL: Quinn!

THE CHUCKLING HEIFER: [Chuckles with dignity.]

THE CONTENTED COW: Moo.

QUINN:  I’ve had a good day of hunting.
This should send a good message to The Syndicate.

[Quinn throws the fish into the air to the applause of the gang.]

LUKA: You’re Quinn?

QUINN:  Yes. Sorry I didn’t introduce myself before.

CHAIRPERSON: What’s the good word Quinn?

QUINN:  We have no time to waste.  We need as many fighter ships as possible to go
against that giant whistle.
If we can destroy the whistle we can stop the Dingo Star.
Luka, Jimmy, come with me.  We’ve got to rescue Princess Vega.
She’s the only one who knows the weak points on that whistle.

LUKA: There’s a princess?

QUINN:  There’s always a princess.

JIMMY: Is she pretty?

QUINN:  They’re always pretty.

JIMMY: Then let’s go.

LUKA: I have a strange feeling about this.

QUINN:  Wonderful, isn’t it?

[Quinn grabs Jimmy and Luka around the shoulders and squeezes hard.]

QUINN:  Let’s go have an adventure.

Cheers. Blackout.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

OLEANNA

Meanwhile back on the giant whistle Princess Vega is sitting on the floor in front of her interrogation chair.  Jimmy Dean is pacing the floor in the background.  Lackey and Sublackey attend to him.

PRINCESS VEGA: Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose
 Nothing and that’s just what you left me
 Lala la.  Lala la. Lala la lala. Lalala lala. Bobby McGee…
 Lala la. Lala la.  Lalala lala. Lalala lala. Bobby McGee…

[She continues with the “Lala la’s” throughout this exchange.]

JIMMY DEAN: I don’t know how much of this I can take.

LACKEY: She has to stop eventually.

SUBLACKEY:  We can’t crack under the pressure now.
Not after all the time we’ve spent in here.

JIMMY DEAN: It’s been three days of shala la and oobie noobie noobie and la ti da.
I’m a major power player.  I shouldn’t have to listen to this.

SUBLACKEY:  I kind of liked the one about the train.

[Jimmy Dean and Lackey glare at Sublackey.]

SUBLACKEY:  In a completely commercial and socially manipulative way, of course.

LACKEY: I liked the one about the riverboatman who beats his wife to death with a
shovel.

[Jimmy Dean looks askance at Lackey.]

LACKEY: It had a good melody.  Catchy.

[Jimmy Dean shoots an even dirtier look at Lackey.]

SUBLACKEY:  It did have a good tune; much better than the one about the frog in the
spacesuit.

JIMMY DEAN: These people wouldn’t know good music if it bit them on the ass.
 Do we have anymore devices?

LACKEY: No, we’ve run out of devices.

SUBLACKEY:  We do have a thing.

JIMMY DEAN: No, I’ve seen that thing and it wouldn’t intimidate anyone.
 Alright, I’ve had enough of your stalling.
What do you know? And when did you first know it?

PRINCESS VEGA: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

JIMMY DEAN: Don’t play coy with me, Princess Vega.  Princesses don’t go on
joyrides in space cruisers with fighter escorts for no reason.

PRINCESS VEGA: Haven’t you ever just felt like getting some fresh air?

JIMMY DEAN: In space? It’s a vacuum.  There’s no air.

PRINCESS VEGA: I mean to see other planets.  To go walking in the sand dunes and
feel the sand in your toes or to roll around on the grass and look up at the sky.

JIMMY DEAN: I don’t have time for vacations. I’m trying to run a war.

PRINCESS VEGA: You don’t know what you’re a-missing.

JIMMY DEAN: Don’t get all folksy with me, Princess.  We both know you’re a spy for
the Folk Alliance and the rest of those leftist dupes.

LACKEY: A snoop and a dupe.

SUBLACKEY:  Snoop doopy dupe.

PRINCESS VEGA: Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be a butterfly?

JIMMY DEAN: We could put you in a cocoon if you’d like.

PRINCESS VEGA: You don’t get it, man.  You just don’t get it.
It’s about learning to be at peace with your world.

JIMMY DEAN: Peace?  That’s interesting.  If it’s peace you want then why don’t you
just join us?  We could all reap the benefits of free trade.

PRINCESS VEGA: There’s nothing free about your trade.

JIMMY DEAN: Why do you persist in making this difficult for all of us?

PRINCESS VEGA: Because we’re right.
 

JIMMY DEAN: Right?! You have such an antiquated notion of the world.
This isn’t about right or wrong.  This is about us and them.  Winning and losing.  I don’t care who’s right.  For all I know you may be right and you may have all the moral power in the universe on your side.  But I don’t care.  We have the guns and we have the ships and we have the money and we intend to keep it that way.  And maybe years later after we’ve crushed your little alliance and I’m writing my memoirs I’ll say that you were right after all.  But that’s not what matters.
What matters is that I’ll be the one writing the history.
Well? What do you have to say for yourself?

PRINCESS VEGA: There’s just one thing you’re forgetting.

JIMMY DEAN: And what’s that?

PRINCESS VEGA: You haven’t won yet.

[Jimmy Dean pulls out a small container of Tang.]

JIMMY DEAN: Do you know what this is?

PRINCESS VEGA: A device?

JIMMY DEAN: No, this is a full smedley of Tang.
We sell a half-smedley for five hundred tags.
We get three hundred smedleys of this stuff for two tags.
We’ve already won.

PRINCESS VEGA: Then there’s only one thing left to do.

JIMMY DEAN: And what’s that?

PRINCESS VEGA: To sing.

[She strums her guitar.]

LACKEY: Oh, God.  Not that.

JIMMY DEAN: Who do you think will listen?

PRINCESS VEGA: Them.

[She points to the audience.  Jimmy Dean and the lackeys notice the audience.
They wave impotently. She strums her guitar defiantly.]
 
 

PRINCESS VEGA: They can kill us. They can rob us.  They can keep us prisoner.
They can overcharge us for Tang.  But as long as we have a voice we can fight.  And someday, maybe a long time from now, the rhythm is gonna get them.

[She strums her guitar and begins to sing.]

PRINCESS VEGA: This one is for all the rebels.

Yo soy un hombre sincero
 De donde crece la palma
 Yo soy un hombre sincero
 De donde crece la palma
 Y antes de morrir me quiero,
 Echar mis versos del alma.

 Guantanamera guajira Guantanamera
 Guantanamera guajira Guantanamera

 Mi verso es de un verde claro
 Y de un carmin encendido
 Mi verso es de un verde claro
 Y de un carmin encendido
 Mi verso es un cierro herido
 Que busca en el monte amparo.

 Guantanamera guajira Guantanamera
 Guantanamera guajira Guantanamera

 Okay, now everbody just repeat what I say.

 Con los pobres de la tierra
 
Quiero yo mi suerte echar
 
Con los pobres de la tierra
 
Quiero yo mi suerte echar
 
El arroyo de las sierra
 
Me complace mas que el mar.

 Everybody now

 Guantanamera guajira Guantanamera
 Guantanamera guajira Guantanamera
PRINCESS VEGA: Okay just the unmarried women now.

 Guantanamera guajira Guantanamera
 Guantanamera guajira Guantanamera

 Now all the people on the left

 Guantanamera guajira Guantanamera
 Guantanamera guajira Guantanamera

 Now all the people on the right

 Guantanamera guajira Guantanamera
 Guantanamera guajira Guantanamera

 Now you people in the middle, let me hear you!

 Guantanamera guajira Guantanamera
 Guantanamera guajira Guantanamera

 Now just the Architecture majors

 Guantanamera guajira Guantanamera
 Guantanamera guajira Guantanamera

 Everybody now

 Guantanamera guajira Guantanamera
 Guantanamera guajira Guantanamera
 

[This continues for an obscene amount of time. (That’s just for those of you who thought this was already an obscene amount of time.)]

JIMMY DEAN: That’s it.  We need a touch of evil.  Call the Scientist.

LACKEY:  Bring in the Scientist!

[Fanny enters with her androgynous assistant H.]

FANNY: You wanted some evil?

LACKEY: Yes.  Right over here.

FANNY: Hmmm.  What’s her problem?

SUBLACKEY:  She’s folksy.

JIMMY DEAN: We need some crowd control too, Fanny.

FANNY: Jimmy.

JIMMY DEAN: Fanny.

FANNY: Jimmy.

LACKEY: H.

H: Lackey.

JIMMY DEAN: Fanny.

FANNY: Jimmy.

JIMMY DEAN: Call me James.

FANNY: Call me yours.

JIMMY DEAN: Yours.

FANNY: Oh, you are evil, Jimmy Dean.

JIMMY DEAN: If I’m evil it’s only because you make me evil.

FANNY: You have a way with words, Jimmy.

JIMMY DEAN: Maybe we can get together later and I can blow this giant
whistle for you.

FANNY: Are you still fabulously rich?

JIMMY DEAN: And powerful.  Second only to Matthew Modine of the Bodeans.

FANNY: And do you still have…the device?

JIMMY DEAN: I have two or three devices…and a thing.

FANNY: How delectably evil.  Let’s call it a date then.

[Fanny turns her evil toward Princess Vega.]

FANNY: H!  Fetch me a syringe and some duck sauce.
SUBLACKEY:  Are you going to inject her with duck sauce?

FANNY: No, it’s for my evil egg rolls.  I find they taste better when you inject the sauce
into the middle.

LACKEY: That is evil.

FANNY: Now for you.  How long have you been evil?

PRINCESS VEGA: I’m not evil.

FANNY: There’s no use denying it.  We’re all evil here.  You’re among friends.
 Come on, let the evil out.  You know you want to.
Let’s go make fun of some space otters!

PRINCESS VEGA [like a cross between a folk singer and a stock ticker]:
I’d like to help you doctor, I really really would, but the din in my head
it’s too much and it’s no good.

FANNY: H.  Fetch the anti-folk serum.  She’s resisting.

H: Here’s the anti-folk serum.

FANNY: Is it the extra evil anti-folk serum?

H: The label said super evil.

FANNY: Excellent.  Now, where is your secret base?

LACKEY: We’ve tried that one. She’ll never tell you.

FANNY: We’ll see about that.

PRINCESS VEGA: I’m standing in a windy tunnel shouting through the roar
and I’d like to give the information you’re asking for.

JIMMY DEAN: Windy tunnel?

FANNY:  Good.  Good.  Keep it coming.  You’ll be evil yet.  Don’t worry.

PRINCESS VEGA: I think that you might want to know the details and the facts
but there’s something in my blood denies the memory of the acts.
So just forget it Doc, I think it’s really cool that you’re concerned
but we’ll have to try again after the silence has returned.

[She passes out.]
JIMMY DEAN: Will she live?

FANNY: Yes, unfortunately.  You can’t even depend on super-evil products these days.
The quality of evil medicines seems to be going down in direct relation to the lack of competition in the market.

JIMMY DEAN: Isn’t that evil?

FANNY: No, frankly.  It’s just frustrating.  Come on H, let’s go.

H: Should I pick up some batteries on the way back?

FANNY: Yes…and one of those steamy romance novels...The evil kind with the
vampires.

H: And some leeches?

FANNY: Yes.  That will be nice and evil.

JIMMY DEAN: I’ll be waiting for our date.

FANNY: Yes, you will.

[Fanny and H exit.]

LACKEY: Wow, she is evil.

JIMMY DEAN: I think I like her.  I won’t have her shot until next month.

SUBLACKEY:  Windy tunnel…windy tunnel…

LACKEY: What are you talking about?

SUBLACKEY:  She mentioned a windy tunnel.

JIMMY DEAN: Bong.

LACKEY: A windy tunnel bong?

JIMMY DEAN: No.  That’s where their base is.  Set a course for Bong.
We’ll see who’s evil now.

[Blackout.]
 
 

THE OBLIGATORY CRAZY CANTINA SCENE

The Cit Cat Cantina in Bong City.  It is somewhere between the Mos Eisley Cantina and Rick’s Café Americain.  There is a bartender and assorted other villainous scum scattered about drinking and gambling.
The owner sits alone at a small table in the corner.
A disco ball shaped like The Death Star hangs in the middle and the music is spacey techno. (I would suggest the Panopticon 8 mix of the Doctor Who theme.)
Bodean 1, Bodean 2 and Bodean 3 sit at the bar.  Jimmy and Luka sit at a table trying not to look up.

LUKA:  This place is crawling with Bodeans.

JIMMY: You know what the problem with the banana is?

LUKA:  No.

JIMMY: You can’t make a good beverage from a banana.

LUKA:  What about the daiquiri?

JIMMY: That’s not a real beverage.  You don’t even need real bananas for it.

LUKA:  What about the banana smoothie?

JIMMY: Smoothies aren’t beverages.  You can make a smoothie from anything.

LUKA:  You can’t make them from steak.

JIMMY: Sure you can.  Steak, milk, some crushed ice.

LUKA:  That’s disgusting.

JIMMY: Which proves my point.  The only fruit good enough to make beverages from
is the orange.

[During this Quinn has entered talking with Nova, a cross between Diana Rigg and Sarah McLachlan.]

QUINN: I think I’ve found us a ship.

JIMMY: A spaceship?

LUKA:  Who’s going to fly it? Her?

[Nova walks over and punches Luka in the face knocking him out of his chair.]
JIMMY: You want an orange?

LUKA [through a fat lip]: You have an orange?

QUINN: This is Nova.

LUKA:  You’re a pilot?

NOVA:  You got a problem with that?

LUKA:  No.

QUINN: She thinks she knows a way to get past the whistle’s sensors and board it.

NOVA:  The Bodeans only worry about the big fish, so they won’t notice a small ship
buzzing around them.

QUINN: And even if they do, they won’t consider it any sort of threat.

NOVA:  By the time they get around to dealing with us we’ll already be attached to them
and walking around their decks.

QUINN: It sounds like a great plan.

NOVA:  So, are you boys up for some action?

LUKA:  Sure.

JIMMY: I’m always up.

QUINN:  Alright then, we have no time to waste.  If we don’t stop that whistle we’re
going to have to deal with a mythical dog-shaped constellation of death.

LUKA:  But can’t we stay a little bit longer and get into some sort of brawl with some of
the scumbags who hang out here?

NOVA:  Say that a little louder, kid, and you’ll get what you’re asking for.

QUINN: We don’t have time for random acts of violence, we have to go save the galaxy.

JIMMY: What about another drink and some flirtatious banter?

NOVA:  Do you have some flirtatious banter?

JIMMY: Do you want some flirtatious banter?

NOVA:  Why don’t we blow this joint and you can find out.

JIMMY: Do you want an orange?

[Nova and Jimmy exit.  Quinn and Luka slam down a couple of shots of something blue-green and exit.]

BODEAN 1: Do you people play any GOOD music here?

BODEAN 2: Yeah, what is this bat crap?

BARTENDER: It’s what the people like.

BODEAN 3: Well, it’s a bunch of bat crap.

BARTENDER: Folks here like it.  They like to dance to it.

BODEAN 1: Well, you know what we want to hear.

[The Bartender looks uneasily at the owner.]

RICK: It’s alright.  Play it.  If they can stand to hear it, then so can we.  Play it.

[The music changes to The Bodeans “Still the Night.” Bodean 1, 2 and 3 sing along with the song, each one taking a line at a time and start to dance.]

BODEAN 1: If I could hold you tonight

BODEAN 2: I might never let go

BODEAN 1: If I could hold you tonight

BODEAN 3: I might never let go

[This goes on until about halfway through the song as the lights fade out.]
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

THE SPACE PIRATES

The cockpit of the Perennial Falco. Nova, Jimmy, Luka and Quinn navigate through space.  Nova is the only one comfortable in her seat.  The other three are stuck to the back of their seats due to the high speed. There is a small television in front of them and other knickknacks representative of a cockpit.

NOVA: You boys doing alright back there?

LUKA:  Yeah.

JIMMY: Uh-huh.

NOVA: You want some Tang?

JIMMY: You have Tang?

NOVA: I’ve got everything.

[She tosses him a smedley of Tang.]

JIMMY: I think I’m in love.

NOVA: Easy there, sailor man.  I never said anything about love.

JIMMY: How about an ill-defined non-committal physical relationship?

NOVA: That’s better.

JIMMY: What a dame.

LUKA:  Yeah, I guess.

QUINN: Your ship doesn’t seem like much on the outside but it can sure go fast.

NOVA: The Perennial Falco can outrun most of the Bodean Cruisers and even the fastest
of the Syndicate Dreadnoughts. Yeah, the Falco is quite a unique piece of work.

[There is a distinct kerplunk followed by an explosion.  Everyone is thrown forward.]

LUKA:  What was that?

NOVA: Well, it wasn’t The Good Ship Lollipop.

QUINN: We’re stopped.

LUKA:  Well, this rescue mission is off to a flying start.

NOVA: Am I gonna have to come back there and get rough?

LUKA:  No.  JIMMY: Yes.

QUINN: What’s that sound?

JIMMY: Is it “Heart and Soul?”

NOVA: That isn’t “Heart and Soul.” It’s space pirates.

JIMMY: Space Pirates, wouldn’t you know it?  I suppose this means we won’t be having
a wild fling in the back compartment.

LUKA:  Couldn’t we take evasive actions?

NOVA: Oh sure, if we had engine power.  I don’t know where you found this kid, Quinn,
but he’s not the brightest power converter in the station, if you know what I mean.

[There is another explosion.  They shake.]

NOVA: Hang on, I’m getting something onscreen.

[They look into the TV set.  Meanwhile on the other side of the stage there is some sort of set for a Greek tragedy adorned with assorted mobiles and other crafty items and perhaps a big Jolly Roger with a tam o’ shanter.
In the center of the “bridge” area stands Davy McDavy of the Clan Smith.  He is dressed in a melange of Scottish and Pirate outfits.
Behind him is a Greek Chorus of indeterminate number and gender.
To one side leaning on a stool is Pirate Jenny who is dressed in a mixture of Pirate and Berlin cabaret outfits.]

NOVA: Shit, it’s McDavy.

MCDAVY: Arrrrghhh! I’m Davy McDavy of the Clan Smith.

NOVA: Hello…McDavy.

MCDAVY: Well, if it isn’t the most notorious smugglerrrr in the galaxy.

LUKA:  Is that true?

NOVA: So we meet again McDavy.

MCDAVY: Arrgh, shiver me timberrrs.
NOVA: Not tonight McDavy, I’ve got a headache.

GREEK CHORUS: The smuggler mocks
 The smuggler mocks
 The smuggler is smug
 Smug smugglers smuggle smugness
 Sixty smug smugglers smuggled sixty mugs of smugness
 
But McDavy brings terror
 Terror, Terror, and a mobile on a string
 McDavy destroys
 McDavy will destroy
 Terror, Terror and a mobile on a string
 
NOVA: I’m getting more and more sorry I killed your parrot, McDavy.

MCDAVY: Oh, that’s just waterrrr underrr the brridge.

GREEK CHORUS: Water, water
 Under the bridge
 The water flows like a million souls
 Lost souls are lost souls are lost
 Lost souls are like lost kittens
 Poor lost kittens
 Meow, meow
 
LUKA:  Are you going to rob us soon.  We’ve got a princess to rescue.

MCDAVY: Rrrrob you?  Why would I do that?

LUKA:  Because you’re a pirate?

GREEK CHORUS: McDavy the Pirate
  Pirate McDavy
   Davy McDavy of the Clan Smith
   Pirate, Pirate
   McDavy the Pirate

MCDAVY: Oh, I get it.  Just because I have an “Argh” here and a couple of
“Yo Ho Ho’s” there and a bottle of rum, I’m a thief?

LUKA:  You’re a pirate.  Aren’t you supposed to rob people.

MCDAVY: Supposed to?!  Now you think you can tell me what to do?
 I’ll have you know I make a good living selling mobiles and other crraft goods.

NOVA: Do you have any beads?

MCDAVY: I’ve got all kinds of beads.

LUKA:  I just thought that because you’re a pirate…

MCDAVY: Oh, you just thought.  You just thought.

GREEK CHORUS: Thinking is believing
 But believing is not thinking
  To think to drink
  Drink think
  Drink the pink think drink

MCDAVY: I’ll tell you a thing or two about thinking.

LUKA:  But then, what kind of pirate are you?

MCDAVY: Arrrgh, a financially securrre pirate.  Now, how many mobiles do you want?

LUKA:  I don’t want any mobiles.

MCDAVY: I don’t think you underrrstood me.
I asked you how many mobiles you wanted.

LUKA:  I don’t want a mobile.

NOVA: Just buy a damn mobile so we can get out of here.

LUKA:  I don’t need a mobile.

MCDAVY: Therrre’s yourrr problem.  Mobiles bring joy.

LUKA:  What would you know about joy?  You’re a pirate!

MCDAVY: Avast ye landlubberrrr!  I’ve about had it with your generalizations about
pirates.  You think pirates don’t appreciate joy.  I have a frreaking Grreek Chorus on the bridge of my ship and I’ve read all the works of Lorrrrd Byrrron.
I always leave an extra coin or two at the table when I go to the seafood restaurant.  Oh, sure I commandeer ships and rape and pillage with the best of them, because I like being a space pirate, but to equate me with a petty thief…that’s more than I can bear.

NOVA: Well, there you go.  Now you’ve hurt his feelings.

QUINN: Buy a mobile.  It’s the noble thing to do.
NOVA: If you don’t buy the mobile we’ll be sitting here for the next seven hours
watching a pirate in a plaid skirt blubbering and crying.

JIMMY: That can’t be good for his eyepatch.

LUKA:  I can’t believe the fate of the galaxy depends on the purchase of a mobile.
 Alright Davy, I’ll buy a mobile.

MCDAVY: Works like a charrrm everrry time.  Jenny, take their order.

JIMMY: Jenny?

PIRATE JENNY: Jimmy?

JIMMY: Jenny.

PIRATE JENNY: Jimmy.

JIMMY: Jenny.

LUKA:  You two know each other?

MCDAVY: Arrgh.  Love.  It always ends badly.

PIRATE JENNY: Jimmy.

JIMMY: Jenny.

PIRATE JENNY: You bastard!

[Nova slaps him.]

JIMMY: What was that for?

NOVA: Solidarity.

[A few notes on a piano.  It is “Surabaya Johnny.”  The next part may be done as a lip-synch or as some sort of musical arrangement with a simple piano or without music and a poor sense of melody depending on what is available. Preferably some sort of sprechtstimme with a rhythm.]
 
 
 
 
 

PIRATE JENNY: Ich war jung, Gott, erst sechzehn Jahre.
 Du kamest von Bong heraus.
Du sagtest, ich solle mit dir gehen,
 du kamest fur alles auf.
 Ich fragte nach deiner Stellung.
 Du sagtest, so wahr ich hier steh’,
 du hattest zu tun, mit der Eisenbahn
un nichts zu tun mit der See.
Du sagtest viel, Jimmy!
kein Wort war wahr, Jimmy!
You lied to me, Jimmy!
zur ersten Stund’!
I hate you so, Jimmy!
wie du dasteht und grinst, Jimmy.
Nimm doch die Pfeife aus dem Maul,
 du Hund!

GREEK CHORUS: Surabaya Jimmy…

PIRATE JENNY: Warum bist du so roh?

GREEK CHORUS: Surabaya Jimmy…

PIRATE JENNY: Mein Gott, un ich liebe dich so!

GREEK CHORUS: Surabaya Jimmy…

PIRATE JENNY: warum bin ich nicht froh?
 Du hast kein Herz, Jimmy,
 und ich liebe dich so!

ALL: Surabaya Jimmy…

PIRATE JENNY:  warum bin ich nicht froh?
 You have no heart, Jimmy,
 And I love you so!

JIMMY: I don’t suppose buying a mobile is going to fix this?

GREEK CHORUS: Surabaya Jimmy…

MCDAVY: It can’t hurrrt.

GREEK CHORUS: Surabaya Jimmy…
 

PIRATE JENNY: Du wolltest nich Liebe, Jimmy,
  du wolltest Geld, Jimmy,
  ich aber sah, Jimmy,
  Du hast kein Herz, Jimmy,
  du bist ein Schuft, Jimmy
  du gehst jetzt weg, Jimmy
  sag mir den Grund!

ALL: Surabaya Jimmy…

PIRATE JENNY: warum bin ich nicht froh?

ALL: Surabaya Jimmy…

PIRATE JENNY: You have no heart, Jimmy,
 and I love you so!
 
[Blackout.]

THE SYNDICATE 2

Somewhere in the fog, Jimmy Dean, Lackey and Sublackey stand in wait.

JIMMY DEAN: We’ll be reaching Bong in a couple of hours.
Are the fighter ships ready?

LACKEY: All fighter ships are prepared.

JIMMY DEAN: Oh, and we’ll be having a little company on board here in a few
minutes, so we should have a squad of marines on hand for the fun.

SUBLACKEY:  I smell herring.

LACKEY: Here they come.

JIMMY DEAN: Okay, smiles everybody, smiles.

[They brace themselves for the fishy smell. The Syndicate emissary is ushered in by the Syndicate Gimps.]

JIMMY DEAN: Welcome, Emissary.

SYNDICATE EMISSARY: There is a great disturbance in the Syndicate.

JIMMY DEAN: What kind of disturbance?

SUBLACKEY:  I’ll bet someone’s been skimming off the profits.

LACKEY: Shhh!

SYNDICATE EMISSARY: There are reports coming back to us which have sent a
ripple through our foundations.

JIMMY DEAN: Hmmm.  Yes…foundations.

SYNDICATE EMISSARY: You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?

JIMMY DEAN: Not a clue.

SYNDICATE EMISSARY: Someone is hunting the Syndicate.
We are being stalked and destroyed one by one.
Our way of life is being threatened.

JIMMY DEAN: Yes, well, that’s a shame, but—

SYNDICATE EMISSARY: If our way of life is threatened, then your way of life is
threatened.  May I remind you that the success of your enterprise has been built on a substantial loan from the Syndicate.

JIMMY DEAN: Yes, I’m well aware of your contributions to our—

SYNDICATE EMISSARY: Find this hunter—

JIMMY DEAN: We don’t have any evidence—

SYNDICATE EMISSARY: Show him the evidence.

[The Syndicate Gimps bring forth something wrapped in a newspaper which they open up for Jimmy Dean and the lackeys to view. Sublackey shows the intent to vomit.]

SYNDICATE EMISSARY: This was left in a prominent location on our home planet.

JIMMY DEAN: That’s pretty gruesome.

SYNDICATE EMISSARY: They are eating our dead.  They are hunting us throughout
the galaxy, frying us up with a little bit of lemon butter and tossing the remainders back at us.

SUBLACKEY:  I don’t understand why no one thought to do that before.

LACKEY: Shhh!

JIMMY DEAN: I assure you that we will do everything within our power—

SYNDICATE EMISSARY: Enough of your platitudes!  Find the hunter.
Destroy the hunter.  That is all.

[The Syndicate Gimps wheel the Emissary off.]

JIMMY DEAN: Someone’s out there catching fish they shouldn’t be catching.

LACKEY: And we have to stop them.

SUBLACKEY:  Great.

[Blackout.]
 
 
 
 

THE RESCUE…ERS

On board the giant whistle.  Jimmy, Luka, Nova, Quinn, McDavy, Pirate Jenny and the Greek Chorus enter with their blasters drawn.

LUKA: I don’t understand why THEY had to come along.

QUINN: You never know what destiny has prepared for you.
There are plans within plans.

LUKA: But they’re pirates!

NOVA: Shhh!  You’re going to get us killed!

MCDAVY: Are ye shooting yourr mouth off again about the pirrate business?

LUKA: All is said is that pirates have no business being here.

MCDAVY:  And if the pirates aren’t going to fight for all that’s good and right in the
universe, then who is?

LUKA: That makes no sense to me at all.

QUINN: And therefore as a stranger give it welcome.

GREEK CHORUS: Truth it is that McDavy speaks
 McDavy speaks truth
 One man’s pirate
 Is another man’s hero
 Who can be a greater hero
 Than a great pirate?

 But it was not always so with McDavy
 McDavy was once a hero
 Brave and True
 With clan and title
 But driven he was
 From the ancestral lands
 The Smiths were disbanded
 Overthrown
 Clan Smith was no more
 McDavy was alone

 So it was that McDavy took to the void
 To rob and pillage
 And generally annoy
MCDAVY: Alright, enough with the hero epic.

NOVA: Why don’t we split up and see what we can find?
 
QUINN: There’s strength in numbers.

NOVA: But if we split up we have a better chance of finding the Princess.

QUINN: Let it be done.

NOVA: McDavy, you and the Greeks stay with the ship.

MCDAVY: Aye, Aye.

GREEK CHORUS: With the ship we came
   With the ship shall we stay

NOVA: Quinn, you take the kid and go that way.
 I’ll go this way.

[Quinn and Luka exit.]

JIMMY: I’ll come with you.

NOVA: Don’t make any promises you can’t keep.

PIRATE JENNY: You’re a dog, Jimmy.

JIMMY: A cute and lovable dog?

PIRATE JENNY: A mangy mongrel, Jimmy.

JIMMY: I guess I had that one coming.  I like the alliteration, though.

PIRATE JENNY: You’re no good, Jimmy.

JIMMY: And you weren’t half bad.

PIRATE JENNY: You’re a two-timer.

JIMMY: I think you’re underestimating me.

PIRATE JENNY: You drove me to piracy.

JIMMY: Then you still owe me gas money.

PIRATE JENNY: How could I ever have cared about you?

JIMMY: The orange is more powerful than you could ever imagine.

PIRATE JENNY: What went wrong with us Jimmy?

JIMMY: Where the orange goes, I follow.

PIRATE JENNY: Kiss me Jimmy, like you did in the old days.

JIMMY: I don’t remember the old days…and I’m a little hazy about last Tuesday, too.

PIRATE JENNY: You’re a dog, Jimmy.

JIMMY: A cute and lovable one?

PIRATE JENNY: No, a mangy mongrel.

JIMMY: What went wrong with us?

PIRATE JENNY: Something about an orange.

JIMMY: Oh, that’s right.

PIRATE JENNY: Kiss me, Jimmy.

JIMMY: I don’t remember the old days.

PIRATE JENNY: And you’re still hazy about last Tuesday?

JIMMY: How did you know?

PIRATE JENNY: There’s no justice in this universe, Jimmy.

JIMMY: And there’s a shortage of oranges too.

GREEK CHORUS: Surabaya, Jimmy…

PIRATE JENNY: Goodbye, Jimmy.  You’re a dog…and not the cute and lovable kind.

[Jimmy and Nova exit.]

GREEK CHORUS: Surabaya, Jimmy…

PIRATE JENNY: And I love you so!

[Pirate Jenny, Greek Chorus and McDavy exit.  Mean Joe Green and Provincial Lackey enter with Bullhorn.]

BULLHORN: [Mumble.]

MEAN JOE GREEN: What was that you said?

BULLHORN: [Mumble.]

MEAN JOE GREEN: That’s what I thought you said.

BULLHORN: [Mumble.  Mumble.] You’ll never get away with this. [Mumble.]

MEAN JOE GREEN: What did he just say?

PROVINCIAL LACKEY: He said, “You’ll never get away with this.”

MEAN JOE GREEN: Listen, chump!
We’ve already gotten away with more than you’ll ever know.

BULLHORN: [Mumble.]

MEAN JOE GREEN: That’s right.

[They exit. Jimmy Dean enters with Lackey, Sublackey and Princess Vega.  The Imperial theme plays as they march.]

JIMMY DEAN: It looks like a great day to put an end to your little alliance.

PRINCESS VEGA: You won’t win.

JIMMY DEAN: Why not?  We’ve got the whistle.  We’ve got the Dingo.
We are a machine that you can’t stop with your paltry defense force.

PRINCESS VEGA: It doesn’t take much to stop a machine.

JIMMY DEAN: It takes more than what you can throw at us.

SUBLACKEY:  She’s not going to sing now, is she?

LACKEY: Shhh!

PRINCESS VEGA: You’d be surprised at what we have.

JIMMY DEAN: Nothing surprises me.  Not even you and your singing.

PRINCESS VEGA: Then maybe it’s time to shake you up.

[She strums her guitar and picks out an arrangement of Tom Waits’ “ I Don’t Wanna Grow Up” or something thereabouts.]

LACKEY: Oh no, not again.

SUBLACKEY:  Maybe she’ll do the one about the train.

PRINCESS VEGA: One, two, three, four…
 When I see that Dingo Star
 I’m not gonna give up
 You can chase me near and chase me far
 I’m not gonna give up
 Seems to me you haven’t thought things through yet
 The power you unleash may end up being a worse threat

 So when I see you prance and strut
 I’m not gonna give up
 Your Dingo Star is just a mutt
 I’m not gonna give up

 The Folk Alliance grows a little every day
 Not too long before you’ll have to change your ways

 Everybody now…
 When we see that Dingo Star
 We’re not gonna give up
 You can chase us near and chase us far
  We’re not gonna give up
 You can take out homes away
 We’re not gonna give up
Didn’t wanna live there anyway
 We’re not gonna give up
You can take our citrus fruits
 We’re not gonna give up
Take the trees out by their roots
 We’re not gonna give up
You can take our money but not our soul
 We’re not gonna give up
We’ll fight you to the last black hole
 We’re not gonna give up
And when we see that Dingo Star
 We’re not gonna give up
Those Dingo legs can’t run that far
 We’re not gonna give up!
JIMMY DEAN [to the audience]: I hope you’re all proud of yourselves.
I’ll show you how to give up.  Lackey, prepare to make their economies scream.  Get the fighter ships ready.  Destabilize their currencies.

LACKEY: What about the prisoner?

JIMMY DEAN: Leave that to me.

[Jimmy Dean drags Princess Vega off in one direction.  Lackey and Sublackey exit in the other direction.  Luka and Quinn enter.]

LUKA: We still haven’t found the Princess.  I’m a failure.

QUINN: You’re not a failure.  Have patience.  Everything will come in time.

LUKA: How can you be so sure?

QUINN: Because I believe.

LUKA: You believe?

QUINN: Yes.

LUKA: In some sort of mystical energy field?

QUINN: No.  I believe that somewhere The Creator writes all our stories.
The Creator will take care of all the loose ends.  Be patient.

LUKA: Patience…I don’t have time to learn patience.

QUINN: Do you smell that?

LUKA: What is it?

QUINN: The Syndicate has a strong presence here.

[Quinn assembles a makeshift fishing pole.]

QUINN: Go on and find the Princess.  Follow your heart.  And don’t wait for me.
The Princess has all the information we need.  Get her back to the base on Bong
as soon as you can.

LUKA: When will we meet again?

QUINN: Only The Creator knows.

[Luka and Quinn exit in opposite directions.  Nova and Jimmy enter.]

NOVA: There’s something I feel I should tell you.

JIMMY: You don’t like oranges.  I can’t believe it.

NOVA:  No.  This whole mission is a trap.  I’m a spy for the Bodeans.

JIMMY: You’re not a smuggler?

NOVA: Yes, I am a smuggler.

JIMMY: And you don’t like oranges! I don’t believe it.

NOVA: This mission is a trap.  I’m a spy.

JIMMY: And you don’t like oranges!  I don’t believe it.

NOVA: I love oranges.  I’m a smuggler.  I’m surrounded by oranges.

JIMMY: Really?  You’re not lying, are you?

NOVA: If I was lying, how would you be able to tell?

JIMMY: Good point.  I just have one more question…
What do you think of orange marmalade?

NOVA: Why don’t we get some and you can find out.

[Nova and Jimmy exit provocatively.  Fanny and H enter.]

FANNY: You know what the most evil part of a giant Dingo is?

H: The teeth?

FANNY: You’re such a literalist, H.

[Jimmy enters.  Fanny eyes him warily.]

JIMMY: Hi.

FANNY:  Do I know you?

JIMMY: You look familiar.

FANNY: Have you ever done anything…evil?
JIMMY: What do mean by “evil”?

H: What do you mean by “do”?

FANNY: Enough semantics.  There’s only one way of finding out how we know
each other.

JIMMY: Does it involve oranges?

FANNY: No.

JIMMY: You suck.

FANNY: I know.

JIMMY: And it drives me mad.

FANNY: Let’s go.

[Jimmy and Fanny exit.  Sounds of power drill and a chainsaw.  Jimmy and Fanny enter with parts of the other’s clothing on.]

FANNY: I knew you looked familiar, Jimmy.

JIMMY: Do you want an orange?

FANNY: You don’t even have any oranges.

H: Yeah, you don’t have any oranges.

JIMMY: You suck.

FANNY: Does it drive you mad?

JIMMY: Yes.

FANNY: Let’s go!

[Nova enters.  She tosses Jimmy some Tang.]

JIMMY: Wow!  Tang!

NOVA: Come on, Jimmy.  We’re not through yet.

JIMMY: Okay.

FANNY: But what about us, Jimmy?

H: Yeah, what about us?

JIMMY: Where the orange goes, I follow.

FANNY: You’re a two-timer, Jimmy.

H: Yeah, a two-timer!

NOVA: Three or four when he’s well rested.

[Jimmy and Nova exit in one direction and Fanny and H exit in the other.
 The Syndicate Gimps wheel through with the Emissary and exit.
Quinn enters, finds the trail of the Syndicate and follows.
Wade and Luka enter simultaneously.]

WADE: Luka.

LUKA: Wade!  I can’t believe I found you.  Come on, we have to find the Princess.

[Wade pulls out his blaster.]

WADE: I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.

LUKA: What do you mean?

WADE: Just what I said.  Now drop the blaster, Luka.

LUKA: But you can’t be one of them.  They’re evil.

WADE: That’s what I thought, too.  But it turns out that it’s not that simple.
They’re not bad at all.  I’m much better off now than I was before.
They want freedom and progress.

LUKA: No they don’t.  They want control.

WADE: We already have control.  There’s no reason to fight us.
Really, I mean once you get to see how we really are you’ll see that it’s actually quite normal.

LUKA: I can’t believe it.

WADE: Drop the blaster, Luka.  Join us.

LUKA: Never!
WADE: Don’t make me shoot you.

[Luka shoots Wade in the foot.  Wade falls.]

WADE: You shot me!

LUKA: I had to.

WADE: You shot me!

LUKA: It was only in the foot.

WADE: How could you do that?

LUKA: You were going to shoot me.

WADE: What difference does that make?  You shot me!

LUKA: You made me do it.

WADE: I can’t believe you shot me.  Just forget everything I said about joining us.
I can’t believe you shot me…

[Wade limps off, muttering about being shot by Luka.
Jimmy Dean enters with Princess Vega.]

JIMMY DEAN: We’ll be done with your alliance soon enough, Princess Vega.

LUKA: Let her go.

JIMMY DEAN: Who are you?

LUKA: My name is Luka.  I live upstairs from the Folk Alliance.

PRINCESS VEGA: Hi.

LUKA: Hi.

JIMMY DEAN: THIS is your rescue mission?  What a paltry show of force!
No wonder it’s taken so long for us to stamp you out.
We can’t find peashooters on our radar.

PRINCESS VEGA: Don’t listen to his mind tricks, Luka.

JIMMY DEAN: Well, you might as well give up.
We are more powerful than you can ever dream of being.
LUKA: Hand over the Princess.

JIMMY DEAN: What can you hope to accomplish?

LUKA: Justice.  Right.

JIMMY DEAN: It’s not about right or wrong.  It’s about who has the most big guns.
If you surrender now we can forget about this unfortunate incident and maybe even leave it off your permanent record.

LUKA: What you’re doing is wrong.

JIMMY DEAN: But I’ve got the power.  You have no chance.

LUKA: You don’t even have a blaster!

PRINCESS VEGA: No, he doesn’t.

JIMMY DEAN: I have a station full of soldiers.

LUKA: I don’t see any of them here now.

PRINCESS VEGA: Let’s get out of here.

JIMMY DEAN: You’ll never get away from here.

PRINCESS VEGA: We’ve gotten away from you, haven’t we?

[Vega and Luka exit in one direction while Jimmy Dean exits in the other direction.
The Syndicate Gimps enter and exit quickly with Quinn hot on their trail.
Vega and Luka sneak on while Jimmy and Nova sneak on from another place.]

JIMMY: Luka.

LUKA: Jimmy.

NOVA: Luka.

LUKA: Nova.

PRINCESS VEGA: Hi.  I’m Princess Vega.

LUKA: We don’t have much time.  We have to get to the ship.

NOVA: I should tell you something.  I’m a spy.

LUKA: I knew it.

NOVA: This whole thing was a trap.  Jimmy Dean paid me off.
But we can still get out of here.

LUKA: Why would you want to help us now?  Aren’t you with them?

NOVA: I don’t have loyalties.

LUKA: Well, I suppose we’ll have to trust you.

NOVA: I wouldn’t go that far.

PRINCESS VEGA: We have no choice.  If I don’t get these plans to the Folk Alliance
this whistle will call The Dingo Star and then there’ll be nothing to be loyal to.

[McDavy, Pirate Jenny and the Greek Chorus enter simultaneously with Mean Joe Green, Provincial Lackey, Bullhorn, a limping/hopping Wade, Fanny and H, and Jimmy Dean with Lackey and Sublackey.  A shootout ensues with Bullhorn diving in front of Princess Vega and catching a direct hit.  Bullhorn manages to cover the retreat of the Folk Alliancers in this way.  As they exit Princess Vega picks up the megaphone.  Assorted “Arghs” and “yo ho’s” from all.  The Greek Chorus does a hexameter cheer for McDavy.]

PRINCESS VEGA: Let’s get out of this place.

NOVA: Hang on tight.

[The Bodeans give chase and exit.  The Syndicate Gimps enter from another direction and run through with the Emissary.  Quinn is hot on their heels. Blackout.]
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

THE EVIL SCIENTIST CHEERLEADERS

Fanny and H enter.

FANNY: Here’s a touch of evil for you.
 Give me the beat, H.

H: Touch of Evil
 Touch of Evil…

FANNY: They say that evil is
 As evil does
 
H: Touch of Evil
 Touch of Evil

FANNY: And sometimes evil is what we don’t do
 So evil is as evil doesn’t

H: Touch of Evil
 Touch of Evil

FANNY: Now you may wonder why
 Why an Evil scientist
 Such as myself
 Would be interested
 In a Giant Dingo
 And the truth is
 That Evil scientists
 Such as myself
 Do not appreciate subtlety
 Subtle evil may still be evil
 Very evil
 You know the kind I’m talking about.
 The new improved economy size, which is the same size as the old one
 The fat free chips which give you severe diarrhea
 Bottled water…
 But it’s just no fun if you can’t be open about being evil
 Disguising yourself as good…well, that’s just plain evil
So for all the obvious reasons,
That’s why Evil scientists love dingos.
 There’s something refreshingly honest about a wild dog
 Which steals babies from their candy
 And that’s how evil should be.

[Blackout.]
THE MARIANAS TURKEY SHOOT

The General enters with an ominous fanfare.  As he speaks a whole bunch of chairs are spread across the stage to represent the cockpits of fighters.  The pilots have not taken their seats yet.

GENERAL:  There’s no point in making this a long speech.
Most of you won’t be coming back alive.  Most of you will step into those flying deathtraps there and burn up in a flash of light when a Bodean fighter ship takes you out at long range.  You’ll never know what hit you, unless you get hit by a dud torpedo, in which case you’ll see exactly what hit you as you lose oxygen after your airlock is broken.  Now, this is where I’d tell you where the weak points on the giant whistle are, but we have no idea since the only person with that information is still being held prisoner.  Basically, I’m here to tell you that you don’t stand a chance against the enemy’s defences, but that you get an ‘A’ for effort.

[Vega enters with Luka and Jimmy and Nova follow shortly.]

PRINCESS VEGA: Sorry we’re late, General.  The information for the Whistle’s
defences has been downloaded onto the main guidance computers on all your fighters.  There are nine weak points on the main hull.  A hit on any one of those and the whistle will be unable to blow.

GENERAL: Excellent.  What about—

PRINCESS VEGA: I’m sorry.  This was all I could save.

[She hands the megaphone to The General who looks at it sadly.  The General speaks through the megaphone.]

GENERAL: Fighters of the Folk Alliance, today we will fight for everything we believe
in and we will return victorious, or we will not return.  Good hunting.

[The General exits.]

LUKA: I guess I should get into my fighter.

NOVA:  You’re going up against that thing?  You’re braver than I thought.

LUKA: Thanks.

NOVA:  You’re also dumber than I thought.

LUKA: I suppose this is the part where you two change your minds and decide to join
our effort after all.
NOVA:  Not on your life.

JIMMY: What are we?  Crazy?

PRINCESS VEGA: What about the freedom of the galaxy?

LUKA: What about the freedom of the orange?

JIMMY: I get all the Tang I could want now.  And the orange is always free.
The orange can be cultivated, but it can never be contained.  Citrus will endure.

LUKA: So that’s it.  After all this.

NOVA:  It’s all good and well to talk about freedom and justice and truth, but freedom
means having the freedom to choose evil.

JIMMY: Or to choose to do nothing but save your own skin.

LUKA: But if they win you won’t be free.

NOVA:  Oh, we’ll always be free.  That’s the way with people who have no loyalties.
We’re always free.  It’s just that we don’t wear our freedom on our sleeves.

JIMMY: Good luck with that whistle, Luka.  Here’s an orange for good luck.

LUKA: I don’t want an orange.

JIMMY: You suck…but good luck anyway.

[Jimmy and Nova exit.]

PRINCESS VEGA: Don’t worry, they’ll be back someday.

LUKA: I suppose it would be really silly to say that I’ve loved you since the moment
I saw you and that there could never be another woman for me considering I only
met you a little while ago.

PRINCESS VEGA: That’s not as silly as it sounds if you really mean it in your heart.

LUKA: I do.

[She kisses him.]

LUKA: I should get to my ship now.
 

PRINCESS VEGA: Are you sure you want to go?
I mean, considering you’ve never flown before.

LUKA: I’ve never kissed a princess before either.  I think it may be a good day for firsts.

PRINCESS VEGA: Good luck, Luka.

[Luka gives flashes her a “V” for victory and goes over to his chair as a line of pilots goes through similar scenes.  Bodeans (three to a plane), Cows, Ducks, Sands, Funny hats, and others say their goodbyes and head to their seats as Johnny Cash’s “I Walk the Line” plays.  When they have all taken their seats the General returns.]

GENERAL: Squadron Leader, launch fighters.

STAR KITTEN II: Fighters launch.

[A whole bunch of “yahoos”. “Ring of Fire” plays.]

LACKEY: They’re launching fighters.

JIMMY DEAN: Prepare fighters.

SUBLACKEY:  Fighters prepared.

JIMMY DEAN: On my command…LAUNCH!

[The Bodeans engage the Alliance fighters.  There is much maneuvering about.
The Bodeans pick off several Alliance fighters.  Assorted hoots and hollers of combat as well as various commands.]

JIMMY DEAN: Let’s give them a blast of the secret weapon.

LACKEY: Firing now.

[Princess Vega staggers.]

GENERAL: What’s wrong?

PRINCESS VEGA: I just heard the yelps of a million wild dogs.

GENERAL: That can mean only one thing.
THAT WHISTLE IS FULLY OPERATIONAL!!!

STAR KITTEN II: Take evasive action.

LUKA: Watch your tails.
WADE: I’ve got you in my sights Luka.

[Luka performs a loop and ends up behind Wade’s fighter shooting wildly.]

WADE: You shot my fighter!

LUKA: You were going to shoot me.

WADE: But you shot my fighter!

[Wade ejects from his fighter.  Fighting continues.  It goes badly for the Alliance until from out of nowhere McDavy and his gang appear.]

BODEAN 1: What’s that?

MCDAVY: Arrgh!  Davy McDavy of the Clan Smith, at your service!

ALL: McDavy!

GREEK CHORUS: McDavy’s aim is true
 The Pirate McDavy brings death to the Bodeans

MCDAVY: Have at ye!

[The fighting continues until only Star Kitten II, Luka, and McDavy remain alive on the Folk Alliance side.]

JIMMY DEAN: It’s only a matter of moments now.  Let’s finish them off.

[Jimmy Dean’s ship bears down on Luka’s.]

JIMMY DEAN: Commence firing.

[A blast rocks the Bodean ship.]

JIMMY DEAN: What was that?

[Quinn appears from nowhere.]

LUKA: That was the Mighty Quinn.

ALL: Quinn!

LACKEY: We’re losing control.

JIMMY DEAN: Prepare to evacuate.
SUBLACKEY:  Evacuate?

JIMMY DEAN: What am I, an idiot?  Yes, we’re evacuating.

QUINN: Alright, let’s blow this whistle and get out of here.

LUKA: Here it goes.

[Luka maneuvers his ship dodging around and speeding up and then fires a shot.
After a moment there is a chain reaction explosion.]

LUKA: I got it!  I got it!

STAR KITTEN II: Nice shot, kid. Not bad for your first time.  Let’s get out of here.

[They get out of there.  Triumphant sounding music. Blackout.]
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

PEACE IN OUR TIME

Vega and The General stand ceremoniously.  Luka enter from one side as Jimmy Dean enters from the other side.  Others mull about.  Jimmy and Nova run a concession stand.

LUKA: So, what happens now?

ROGER MALLARD: There’ll be negotiations.
They’ll give up something, we’ll give up something.

QUINN: Diplomacy and all that business.

LUKA: But we blew up their giant whistle!

JIMMY DEAN: Surely, it has occurred to you that if we had the resources to build one
giant whistle then we can build two or three.

LUKA: But we won.

QUINN: At a terrible cost.

LUKA: But they’re evil.

PRINCESS VEGA: We all have to live in the same world.

QUINN: And it’s not as if we’ve magically erased their presence from the galaxy.

JIMMY DEAN: We’re here to stay.

PRINCESS VEGA: For the time being.

LUKA: So we’re not giving up?

QUINN: The fight will go on.

JIMMY DEAN: So it will.

ROGER MALLARD: But for today, we have peace.

ALL: To peace!

[Luka raises his glass uneasily.]

JIMMY DEAN and LUKA: For now.

[Lights fade out as The Bodeans “Closer to Free” plays.]