The Wallaby Lounge
a minicabaret
by William M. Razavi
A steakhouse cabaret. There are various "gothic" fixtures that would make the place look like something from an Anne Rice novel were it not for the competing Australian themed fixtures which almost make the place look like a Foster’s hangover. A waitress, Ariadne, takes drink orders from the audience. A waiter, Murf, does the same. Enter the host, Count Bruce, in some sort of mixture of cape and swagman gear.
COUNT: Good evening. Welcome. Welcome. Our regular host, Count Dave, is out with a bad case of–what is he out with?
Ariadne whispers something to him.
COUNT: He’s out with chemotherapy?
ARIADNE: Shhhh!
COUNT: Shouldn’t he take more than a weekend off for that?
ARIADNE: He has crappy health care coverage.
COUNT: Jeez. Whoa. That’s crappy.
Ariadne starts to cry. Count suddenly notices he has to liven things up.
COUNT: Well, rest assured that you’re in good hands with me…and my hands.
My name is Count Bruce and you are welcome to The Wallaby Lounge–the only vampire themed Australian steakhouse not in Australia.
Aww–oooo!
Ariadne goes up to him, knees him in the groin and slaps him–not on the groin.
ARIADNE: Vampires! Not werewolves.
COUNT: Vampires can howl.
ARIADNE: Not Australian vampires.
COUNT: What’s the difference?
ARIADNE: Count Dave would have known the difference.
COUNT: Murf, why won’t you help me out here?
Murf looks at the Count with accusing eyes.
COUNT: What?
MURF: I’m a mute.
Pause.
COUNT: Okay. Let’s go through our specials of the day. We have several appetizers including a stuffed fried mushroom stuffed with another stuffed fried mushroom and then rolled in a thin veneer of low fat rice paper. We also have three different kinds of giant fried onions. But of course, our real feature here at the Wallaby Lounge is steak.
Mm-mmm. Ariadne, why don’t you tell everyone about our numerous steak platters.
ARIADNE: First we have the Billabong special–twenty ounces of tasty tasty porterhouse marinated in tasty tasty earl grey tea for that extra special bergamot flavor–It’s bergamolicious.
Next we have Anne Rice Cakes. Crabcakes stuffed to the brim with flavors that will make your mouth want to go down under for more.
We also have a Canberra Rib-Eye. A fourteen ounce rib-eye grilled to perfection and then served with your choice of baked potato or Dr. Van Helsing’s potato stakes.
Then there’s the New South Wales Vampire Special. A spectacular nine ounce tenderloin marinated in a recipe from Count Wallaby’s family vault. Also served with your choice of baked potato, or Dr. Van Helsing’s potato stakes.
We have Melbourne style blood sausages. Not for the faint of heart. These are served with a side of smaller blood sausages.
Then there’s the Crocodile Dundee. Marinated grilled crocodile steaks. Mmm-mmm good.
There’s Count Wallaby’s Prime Rib. A tempting sixteen ounce cut slow roasted in our oven. Served with a big can of Foster’s on the side.
The Baroness enters, starts working her way through the audience. Count Bruce sees her, then attempts to hide.
ARIADNE: Finally we have The Melbourne Mauler. A monstrous thirty ounce porterhouse that’s sure to land you in the hospital. Served with a smaller more manageable steak on the side.
BARONESS: Bruce! Bruce!
ARIADNE [whispering]: Who’s that?
COUNT: It’s the Baroness.
Baroness waves. Count waves her off politely. Count then waves to Murf in a garbled signal. Murf proceeds directly offstage.
COUNT: Stall.
ARIADNE: What?
JP: Excuse me.
COUNT: Just read the menu.
JP: Excuse me.
Ariadne reads from the menu silently.
COUNT: Out loud!
ARIADNE: Why?
COUNT: Just do it!
ARIADNE: [More items from the menu including such goodies as Garlic Mashers, Renfield’s Urban Game packets, Vegetarian Goulash, Outback Surprise, etc.]
JP: Excuse me.
Murf enters and waves somewhat frantically. Ariadne waves back. Murf continues to attempt a signal.
ARIADNE: [Several more items from the menu including such tasty dishes as the Sydney Greenstreet, the Kangaroo Jack Burger, Wombat Quesadillas etc.]
Baroness waves at Count. Count points out Ariadne and the menu with a shush signal and brushes off the Baroness.
JP: Excuse me.
ARIADNE: [Yet more favorites from the menu such as the Nosferatu platter, the G’Nightwalker special, Great Barrier Reef Shrimp Cocktail, Bloody Sundaes, Perth Perch, Draculattés etc.]
JP: EXCUSE ME! CAN I GET SOME SERVICE?!
COUNT: Why, of course.
ARIADNE: What would you like to order?
JP: I’ll have the Waltzing Matilda–medium rare.
ARIADNE: I’m sorry, sir. We don’t serve rare steaks.
JP: What?! What kind of freaks are you? Why don’t you serve rare steaks?
ARIADNE: I have no idea.
Everyone looks at Count.
COUNT: I have no idea.
JP [Bellowing]: DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!
ARIADNE [in tears]: No.
Everyone looks at Count.
COUNT: I have no idea.
Everyone looks at Murf. Murf shrugs.
JP: I’m J.P. Morgan!
COUNT: The J.P. Morgan?!
JP: Yes.
COUNT: Never heard of him.
JP: I’m going to the men’s room. When I get back there’d better be a rare steak here.
JP exits. Count collapses. Everyone rushes to him.
BARONESS: Bruce!
ARIADNE: Bruce!
COUNT: I’m alright–just hunky dory.
BARONESS: Bruce, I’m going to the ladies room. When I come back we have some things to talk about.
Baroness exits. Bruce collapses again.
ARIADNE: Who is she?
COUNT: That’s the Baroness. She’s my ex-fiancée.
ARIADNE: You have an ex-fiancée?
COUNT: Yes. The Baroness. She’s a bit controlling.
ARIADNE: She seems mad at you.
COUNT: She’s expecting me to propose to her.
ARIADNE: I thought she was your ex-fiancée.
COUNT: It’s because I never got around to proposing to her.
Murf keeps on trying to interrupt this whole time.
ARIADNE: That’s incredibly stupid.
COUNT: What is it, Murf?
Murf gestures incomprehensibly.
COUNT: Yes. We know you’re a mute.
Murf looks at the Count condescendingly, then pulls out a notepad and scrawls out a note for the count. The Count reads.
COUNT: We have no meat.
Pause.
COUNT: WE HAVE NO MEAT?!
Count falls asleep.
ARIADNE: What is wrong with you?
COUNT: Stress-induced narcolepsy.
ARIADNE: What are we going to do?
Count falls asleep.
ARIADNE [to Murf]: What are we going to do?
Count wakes up.
ARIADNE: What are we going to do?
Count falls asleep.
ARIADNE: What are we going to do?
Count wakes up.
ARIADNE: What are we going to do?
Count falls asleep. Pause. Ariadne looks frantically from Murf to Count and back.
ARIADNE [gently, like a lullaby]: What are we going to do?
COUNT: I’ll think of something.
JP enters.
JP: Man, that felt good. Where’s my steak?
COUNT: Murf, why don’t you take Mr. Morgan back and have him pick out his cut of meat.
Murf looks back in horror.
COUNT: WAIT!
Baroness enters.
BARONESS: Bruce, we need to talk.
Count falls asleep. Everyone waits for him to wake up.
COUNT: Welcome to The Wallaby Lounge. We have some great specials–
JP: I want my steak!
BARONESS: We need to talk!
Count whispers something to Murf. Murf steals a purse from a shill in the audience and runs out.
AUDIENCE SHILL: Oh my God! He just stole my purse.
COUNT: We have to go find this poor woman’s purse.
Count and Ariadne exit in pursuit of Murf.
Several moments pass as JP and the Baroness are left on stage alone. The audience gets the uncomfortable feeling that this isn’t part of the play as JP and the Baroness stand around growing impatient.
BARONESS: I’m going after them.
Baroness exits. After another few moments Murf, Ariadne and the Count try to sneak around the back of the audience. They sneak for a while unnoticed.
JP: Where do you think you’re going?
COUNT: Us? We’re going to–
Count falls asleep. Pause. Count wakes up. Pause.
COUNT: What?
JP: Is this a steakhouse?
COUNT: Yes.
JP: Where’s my steak?
COUNT: We were just going to…going to…
JP: Well?
COUNT: We were just going to put on a show!
JP: What?
COUNT: You can’t have your steak until you’ve seen the show.
ARIADNE: What show?
COUNT: You know…the show…that you do. You always said you wanted to be a performer.
ARIADNE: I never said that.
COUNT: Just try it.
JP: I want my steak.
COUNT: Not until you’ve seen the show. Hit it!
ARIADNE: What are you doing?
COUNT: Just dance.
Ariadne proceeds to do a routine around JP–something like "Hey Big Spender."
Ariadne ends up in the arms of JP–or vice versa. Song ends, Baroness enters.
BARONESS: What is going on here?
Count tosses a large Looney Tunes style mallet to Murf who bonks the Baroness on it as one would hit the mole in the Whack-a-mole. Baroness crumples into Murf's arms.
JP: What is going on here?
Ariadne doesn’t let go of JP, despite his half-hearted attempts to get away, maintaining an uneasy embrace.
ARIADNE: Isn’t this nice?
JP: Oh, yes…nice….very nice.
ARIADNE: That’s nice. You’re nice.
JP: That’s nice.
ARIADNE: Very nice.
JP: So nice.
ARIADNE: Nice, nice, very very nice.
JP: You know what would make this really great?
ARIADNE: What?
JP: A steak.
JP flings Ariadne away heads toward the Count.
COUNT: Wait!
Count falls asleep. Everyone waits. Count wakes up. He is disappointed to find the situation unchanged.
COUNT: One of these days when I wake up things will have worked themselves out.
JP: All I want is a steak.
BARONESS: My head hurts. Where am I?
COUNT: This is Murf. He’s a mute.
BARONESS: Murf. Hmm.
Murf smiles.
BARONESS: Are you really a mute?
Murf kisses her hand.
BARONESS: Oh! That’s so charming. I’m very…charmed.
Murf twirls her out then dips her, then pulls her back in–like an even more silent Rudolph Valentino.
BARONESS: He’s like a modern day Harpo Marx…without the horn. What else do you do?
Murf shrugs shyly.
ARIADNE: Card tricks…puzzles...juggling…shows.
Murf looks on in horror as Ariadne expands the last. His mute jaw is about to drop.
JP: Where’s my steak?
COUNT: There’s still more show. Hit it!
Music. Something like "Hot Stuff." As soon as the music starts Murf starts walking around with purpose. He sets up three cups and does a shell-game routine and then something with handkerchiefs and finally a few tricks with cards. The Baroness embraces him by the end of his card bit when he sends a deck or two of playing cards flying into the air.
JP: That was really nice. Now where’s my steak?
ARIADNE: Is this the man that stole your purse?
AUDIENCE SHILL: I guess so.
COUNT: Murf, call the police.
Murf just stares at him.
COUNT: Ariadne, call the police.
JP: I protest.
Count tosses the mallet to Ariadne who proceeds to bonk JP on the head with it.
JP collapses.
Pause.
ARIADNE: He’ll come around.
COUNT: Maybe by then our meat shipment will have arrived.
JP: Huh?
Ariadne bonks JP out again.
ARIADNE: We’ll just keep him knocked out until it gets here.
COUNT: Good idea. You know, things are finally looking alright.
Another woman enters.
NEW WOMAN: Bruce!?
ARIADNE: Who’s that?
COUNT: It’s the Duchess.
Count falls asleep. Blackout.